Invisible Burdens of -isms...

Weighed down by the burden not seen
Because if you see it...I'm not passing.
Which is important too right?

It's important that my kids don't wear their poverty
Because that closes more doors
that actually wasn't available in my neighborhood anyway.

Why is it that my daughter will earn less than my son,
who didn't want the job in the first place

Where are those boot straps you keep talking about?
Oh that's right....you own them.

Rage against the box...

You built a box and said I belong there

That I would feel more comfortable, 

or was it you that would be comfortable

You said my family is there,

And those that look like me,

in this box-cage...where you say I belong

I know this cage,

It's familiar to me, 

I was born there but choose to leave it,

And from this cage that you made 

I take my family, faith, culture, and community

and leave instead your poverty,

and violence, your lack of opportunity 

and night without dreams...

and go help build the world 

for my future children

for my nieces and nephews

...their world will be different 

It will be better...

Trail blazer...

Today I did a tour of our detox facility for a few judges in the Salt Lake City area. I always get nervous doing tours because I want to make sure I portray my program and agency in the right way; and that I can articulate accurately what we do as a program to help our clients. But I was extra nervous because I was going to be touring JUDGES (who could put me in jail) and I was going to do it in front of the C.O.O of our agency.  No pressure right?

So I was pretty focused on the script in my head, when someone in the group said, “Are you Polynesian?”  I said yes, and then she asked if I was Samoan. When I said I was, she started speaking to me in Samoan, introducing herself and asking me what village my family was from.

I was shocked…speechless actually, and initially forgot how to respond to her. (I understand Samoan but am very limited in speaking it.) Luckily my brain started working again and I was able to respond to her in Samoan, but then I got all teary.

Before me was a Judge that shared my skin color and ethnicity IN UTAH !??; someone that is connected to the islands where I am from. It was an honor to meet her. I kept hugging her because… well..she’s awesome, but I was also so excited to see a Polynesian in such a prestigious position. I’m not sure I can explain what her example means to me...and what it could mean to young Polynesians that are trying to figure out what they want to become.  THEY CAN BE JUDGES!!!!... or whatever they want to be :)    It is always so great seeing a Pacific Islander really contribute to their communities and just doing some amazing things..it's inspiring!  I’m so proud and impressed by her and all that she has accomplished thus far. Thanks for blazing the trail Judge Trease…

Judge Vernice S. Trease was appointed to the Third District Court in November 2006 by Gov. Jon M. Huntsman, Jr. She serves Salt Lake, Summit and Tooele counties. Judge Trease graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in International Relations from Lewis and Clark College and received a law degree from the University of Utah College of Law in 1988. Prior to her appointment to the bench, Judge Trease served the community of Salt Lake County as a senior trial attorney, capital qualified attorney, and assistant director with the Salt Lake Legal Defender Assoc. She is a recipient of the Utah Minority Bar Association Community Service Award. Judge Trease has served as a member of the Utah Commission on Racial and Ethnic Fairness in Criminal and Juvenile Justice System, and the State of Utah Office on Domestic and Sexual Violence Domestic Violence Justice Planning Group. Judge Trease currently serves on the Supreme Court's Advisory Committee on the Rules of Criminal Procedure, the Judicial Council's Fine/Bail Schedule Standing Committee, and is the chairperson of the Judicial Council's Court Interpreter Standing Committee. She is the National Association of Women Judges and is a member of the David K. Watkiss-Sutherland II Inns of Court. 4/10

more than I should...

I should be asleep...I'm exhausted...and I work again in a few hours...but I keep thinking about this feeling I had last Friday...so I thought I'd write about it. It has to do with the song below.

I downloaded it a few weeks ago but didn't really listen to the lyrics...until Friday morning when I stopped by to see a good friend...as I drove away ...I put my earphones on and this song started to play.. I am not a country fan but the words of this song, on that day, strongly resonated with me...

I was overcome with this feeling of love and thankfulness for my life and the people in it. I got pretty emotional as a flood of faces passed through my mind...my heart was so full of gratitude in recognizing that I have more than I ever, in my life, thought I would have.

I truly do have a life that's good.

Are there things that I need to improve on and things that I wish for? Sure of course there are...but I can honestly say with all of my heart that if I were to die right now, I would do so with a full and happy heart.  I have had my fair share of days where I was so beyond broken...so painfully broken... and days where I just wasn't sure I'd make it...but those dark times can never overshadow the light and beauty of this very difficult, challenging, amazing life that I've been blessed with and the love I feel for the people in it.

...

Deflated...defeated...irrelevant...tired...sad...fraud. Tomorrow will be a better day...but this is where I'm at today.

Blessed to know them...

I’m getting’ old yo. I hit 40 this year. (What the what??!!!) I always thought 40 was old…and even though my knee is giving out on me and I’m dying my hair more frequently than I have in the past (don’t trip I know y’all do it to)… I still don’t feel a day over 29..ok 30 :) All that being said time is quickly passing and I’m pondering more on what that means in a larger sense .

Our older generation is leaving us… we've also lost some of my generation who passed before we were ready to have them go.  As I think of specific people that I have known and loved that have passed on ...I think of the massive hole they have left and the roles that they have played in my life as well as in the lives of many others. 

Who will fill those roles now? Who can possibly fill the shoes of these amazing individuals that have touched our lives? Who can now be the mentors and the examples of love, service, acceptance, and hard work? Who will with wisdom and understanding teach us how to hold on to the very best things about our culture in this ever changing world that wants us to assimilate? Who will correct us and our children about the little but important things that are slowly being lost…like saying “tulou” and bowing low when walking in front of anyone, how to put others needs before yourself, how to work your very hardest then put your trust in God, how to care for and respect your elders, how to take pride in where you live and what you have even if you have very little?

I guess we’re suppose to...but can we and are we?

 We have an obligation to the generations coming behind us…and we are blessed to have the teachings and examples of the generations that have preceded us. It’s a daunting responsibility and the shoes we have to fill are big. I guess its time to finally grow up. As I…As we…clutch on to our remaining elders...I hope to glean as much knowledge from them…to hear their stories…to learn at their feet… and to cherish those moments like we would the greatest treasure…Because they are.  I am so grateful for the legacy that they have left and are leaving for us.



Virginia "Tina" Ativalu

 I pray with everything in me that we…my generation and I…don’t jack things up :)

These are photos of many who have passed on, but have made a tremendous impact on my life. I am a better person because I was blessed to know them.

Kahi Ottley w/ my sister Tai 



Riki Peters

Kaui Sika

Vaikona Tuifua

Teena Fa'amaligi















 

Lisa Alai'asa





Bertha Samoa



Aunty Fau Galea'i





Uncle Lilo and Aunty Aiaga



My Grandpa Ativalu Tago



Luis Boton



  Aunty Vai Fa'amaligi

 

Dominina Taufa'asau





Aunty Vaitupu Vegas

Uncle Filifili Alai'asa

 

My "kind of" mother...

Yesterday was Mother's Day and my sister Edwina (Tita) was on my mind.
 I kept thinking of calling her, but I called her a few days ago, and we had text ed each other as well. So I just suppressed the feeling, but she was on my mind again this morning so I thought I'd write about her.

I love my sister. When Tita was 13 my mom became very ill and my dad was busy dealing with the things on his plate..so she became "kind of" a mother figure to us younger kids.

(PS. 1980 was my favorite year :) she reminds me of Brittney, one of the chipmunks girlfriends. SO CUTE!!)

I say "kind of" because she is also so many different things. She definitely could be the older caring, bossy, sarcastic, loving older sister, but she could also be something else...something sinister. Pam likes to call her evil...or does she call herself evil? I forget. Anyways ...she was pretty ruthless when it came to games. Once she was playing cards with my younger brother (Alo) and sister (Tai) and the loser had to drink 2 very large cups of dirty water. Alo does not remember this. Personally I think he blocked out the memory. I know I would've. She is also someone I would never play "Ka isu" with (Samoan card game where the loser is hit or gets cut on their nose with their remaining cards). The word "mercy" does not come to mind when I think of her playing cards. She also likes to play tricks on people. One day when I came back home to visit I asked her about this trail in Kaaawa valley (by Kualoa Ranch) where they use to film "Lost". I saw that there was a private property sign on there and before i dropped her off at work she said, "You should go there! Don't even worry about the sign, people go back there all the time". So off I went on this hike and then quickly got kicked off of the trail, by a guy yelling "Didn't you see the sign!!?? It says PRIVATE PROPERTY!!". When I called my sister to tell her she couldn't stop laughing on the phone. She said "Wow, Utah has made you soft. You actually believed me? Did you forget who I was?" :) I definitely did..for that moment at least.

Tita can also clown with the best of them. So you better have a pretty thick skin if you start a verbal and/or facebook joking feud with her.

All that being said she is also loving, and sensitive and has gotten me and I'm sure some of my other siblings and many of her friends out of more trouble than any of us care to admit. She doesn't say much about her feelings, she can be a pretty guarded person but she is someone solid that you would be able to turn to if you needed anything. She has supported me, been there for me, listened to me, encouraged me and pretty much kicked me in the arse if I needed it since we were kids.

 I love you Tita.Words can't express how much I love and appreciate all that you have done for me throughout the years. Don't know what I'd do without you.

  Happy Belated Mothers day to the best "kind of" mother I have ever had.