:(

Have you ever messed up but couldn't take it back? Couldn't make it better, or say sorry any more sincere? You can't rewind the clock so you don't say what you shouldn't have said. I messed up today. I mean I really jacked up...and sorry just doesn't cut it. Doesn't cut it at all.

just behind the clouds....

The first time I experienced a hurricane was while I was living in American Samoa. This hurricane was slow moving but caused a lot of damage while it traveled through the other Pacific islands. That entire week before it hit the sky was overcast, the winds were gusting and the clouds were moving by quickly...It was a scary time. The reports would come in over the radio about the speed of the winds increasing as the hurricane moved closer and closer to our island. During this long stormy week.. the sun didn't come out once.
I get meloncholy and restless when it's gloomy for too long...but I remember something clicking and finally having the realization that even though I don't see the sun, that it's still there...just out of sight behind the clouds...for some reason that made me feel so much better.

This memory came to my mind as I have been struggling for the last little while. I prayed a lot for direction and comfort and have felt the heavens were silent. Yet in the midst of all of this I know..that even though I felt like I've been flying solo...He is there for me.

So last night I sang at a fireside. It was the first time I sang a solo part in church for many years. It is one of my favorite songs written by a friend of mine..this was the verse I sang:

He hears your plea,
He's never left your side,
He's watched you wade through the darkness in search of light,
When He says He loves you,
It means He will never leave you,
Comfortless through your,
time of need..

While we were singing...there was a quiet peace that entered my heart and I knew...that He continues to be there for me, just like the sun was there during that hurricane. He is there.. even though the clouds or storms of life may make it difficult to remember that at times.

"Only connect..." ~E. M. Forster

So the past 2 weeks I've thought a lot about how I connect with others. At times I have found that I'm not really present when interacting with friends, family, coworkers etc...I find myself going through the motions with my mind in other places, or going down my to do list, or planning my next road trip etc.

As this weighed on my mind more and more I thought about people who have wandered in my life and have wandered out for whatever reason...and I felt this sense of loss. I possibly missed out on my chance to really have a meaningful experience with them.

Which made me think about life..one thing that I feel brings lasting joy in this life is the relationships and connections we make with others. I interact with a ton of different people daily...and granted not all of those interactions will be full of joy and actually some of them might be downright difficult or annoying...but there are a lot that aren't.

Am I even fully present in the moment to determine what kind of experience it is?

There are 100 and 1 small moments that happen throughout my day...

Theres bound to be some joy in a couple of those moments right?

But if I'm future tripping or list checking or off on a beach in my head...I've missed out.

So these last 2 weeks I've really focused on staying present and engaged and ...what do you know...

found me some joy.

I played 31 with a coworker and kicked his trash..I danced and sang with my brothers to some Janet Jackson (I really need to learn the Miss U Much dance routine..that would up my joy exponentially)...had lunch with a wonderful friend...played catch with a great dog...memorized my favorite song and played it on my uke for a friend...played with my beautiful niece...hung out with my family...rocked out to a middle school band with coworkers...talked with different clients...had a ton of great conversations...got some great advice from someone I consider to be a mentor...took a walk with a friend...bowled a 77 and got schooled by some of my amazing staff... and the list goes on and on.

Only connect y'all...that's what its about.

...Are you for real???!!!

I got a call today and here is how the conversation went:
Me: Hello this is Sue...
Caller: I was wondering where you work?
Me: The Homeless Youth Resource Center
Caller: Soooo....are you for real?
Me: Yup pretty much.
Caller: No I mean is this for real?...
Me: Ummm I am not sure what you are referring to..
Caller: There aren't really homeless youth in Utah right? I mean there just can't be, because if there were "we" wouldn't stand for it.
Me: Yes ma'am there are homeless youth in Utah...837 unduplicated clients walked through our doors last year for services and at our half way mark this year our numbers were up 25%
Caller: I just can't believe it!!!...BECAUSE if people knew that this was happening in Utah "we" would do something about it!!
Me: You would think right?
Caller: WELL HAVE YOU TOLD ANYONE ABOUT THIS??!!!! This just isn't right!!!...people would help if they knew!!!! people would give money...people need to know so they can help get these kids off the street!!!
Me: I agree..
Caller: WELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT THIS IS HAPPENING??!!THIS IS ALL OF OUR PROBLEM!!PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!!!

So the conversation continued on. The lady that called me was upset and shocked that there were homeless youth in Utah...she initially was looking online for ways she could help homeless youth in New York because she felt bad that New York had this problem.

Then she found a link to our program and felt she just had to call because...it just coulld not be true that there were youth living on the streets so close to home. She seemed like she sincerely wanted to help and was very genuine in her desire to jump in and do something. It was a great opportunity to educate her on homeless issues in Salt Lake County and specifically with youth.

So just in case you didn't know...

There are youth that are homeless in Utah.

It is an issue that belongs to all of us...and will affect everyone regardless of whether "we" know about it or not.

What really shocked me about the call was... the fact that she was so shocked.

Individuals that are experiencing homelessness..are not invisible. Their stories are covered in the news and in the papers. All you need to do is take a walk to the nearest mall, library, bus stop, shelter etc. and you will find them. The question is ...now that "we" know the problem exists...what are "we" going to do about it?

April Fools Day

So at the end of a very long week...at about 5:00pm on Friday I walked into my office and found this hotdog guy as well as 4 others sitting around my office hanging out. My staff had done this for me...and for some reason...it made me very happy...and a little grossed out. It was probably the best April Fools moment I've had in a long time.

Kites, Swings, & Confidence...

Today was a perfect day to fly a kite. Unfortunately I do not at this time own a kite, but I did get to go out to Sugarhouse park and hang out there after work. Which is where I located a swing!!! So I did the obvious... I swinged? swung? How ever you say it....thats what I did :) It made me extreamly happy! Some may say that it's childish or immature to do something like that...but who really cares what those people say.

I think at times because of the way we would like our friends, family, or acquaintances to perceive us, or maybe because of the positions or roles that we have...we set these parameters on what is acceptable behavior. Which is a good thing...strong boundaries are important and helpful, but I think there are times when in all of the rules that we set up for ourselves for whatever reason

...if we're not careful...we can lose vital pieces of who we are... that make us unique.

I was talking to a friend today and she said that she had tried to blend in with her other friends growing up and that she suppressed pieces of herself to fit in...then she said something that really hit me...

"I tried so hard to blend in and was miserable about doing it, but I realized that I was meant to stand out".

She didn't say it in a cocky way at all...she was just stating her truth.

I respect that.

She is confident in who she is. I waver on this sometimes..I'm not exactly sure why. A part of it may be my upbringing, but at some point everyone needs to step out of whatever shadow they've been behind and confidently come into their own.

I think at times I saw my own confidence as conceit...and I worried about feeling self-important, being self absorbed, and oblivious to the source of all I've been blessed with. I realize now that I can remedy that by always remaining grateful..and aknowledging the Lords hand in my life as well as being the source of all that is good.

So I am going to do my best to be confident in who I am and the direction I am going in and if that includes a little kite flying and swinging then so be it :)

The Widows Mite...

A man came by my work today and donated a loaf of bread and some milk. I know this man. He is homeless and is struggling with addiction yet with what little he had he saw someone that might need it more than him. He said he wanted to "help the kids".

It was the "widows mite".

He gave it freely and without hesitation. It reaffirms my hope and faith in the human spirit. It also makes it evident to me that we all can do our part in helping someone else that might be in need. What an amazing example of charity.