My Rock.....

Temporary setbacks..
unexpected trials..
self doubts & frustrations..
new lessons learned..
humbling experiences..
yet He continues to lift me up..
I am grateful that He is mindful of me...
especially on my most trying days..
even if I am undeserving
of such love and comfort..
He remains my rock.

The Soundtrack of my day...

LAKE MERRITT, OAKLAND CALIFORNIA

So I'm just strollin' by the Lake and Smokey's distinct voice flow through the ear phones I'm wearing...."baby let's Cruise away from here"..It's a typical San Francisco song..oldies always remind me of the Bay area...I grew up listening to them and where ever I'm at if an oldie comes on I'm taken back to the Bay..memories of my time growing up here come to my mind. Rollerskating around our block, playing "high jump" downstairs or basketball with my cousin Monte...the good memories are encompassing my mind today..as Earth Wind and Fire ...start to sing about September..."Some bells were ringing, Our souls were singing, Do you remember,never a cloudy day?"...and my little sisters smiling face comes to mind...this song takes me back to Hawaii on the day my little sister became eternally connected to my brother in law Allen..for her reception my family was on the dance floor bustin' out all the moves that should've stayed in the past, but it was one of my favorite memories of that day all my siblings dancing with my sister everyone smiling and just enjoying being together as a family...then the soothing sounds of Angie Stone fill the air..."my sunshine has come, and I'm all cried out and there's no more rain in this cloud"...it's a song of healing after you've been hurt.. being able to stand back up, dust yourself off and move on....though this is a fairly recent song it definitely brings images of my mom to the forefront of my mind..she endured a whole lot in her young life..yet no matter what her set backs were, she stood back up and kept moving on...the heartache and pain she must've felt during her life is unfathomable to me...but not only that, I think of my own loss...a loss of a mother who would've walked with me through all the different phases and experiences in my life...my heartaches, my triumphs, my accomplishments...and I feel the void in my heart that is familiar yet still painful...and in that moment I make a promise to myself, to my mom, and to my future children to be there for them like I know my mom would've loved to have been for me...I'm watching the sun slowly disappear here at Lake Merritt and her face is imprinted in the sunset... as the Cranberries start to sing.."But I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you,you got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger, do you have to, do you have to let it linger"...this song reminds me of my brother Alo because it was one of his favorite songs...I was looking at his certificate this morning that says him and his partner of ten years (Lea) are Domestic Partners. I think of all they have been through together, all the hate they have seen, and all the obstacles they have overcome together as a couple. Alo and Lea are two of the very best people I know and I love them with all my heart and I hope they know how so very grateful I am to have them in my life... Now Janet starts to sing..."Living everyday like it's my last,I refuse to be stuck in the past, people actin like machines, cause they're scared to live their dreams,no not me" ...as the song continues I think of my own life as I see it illuminating before me, revealing everything I have to be grateful for and the hope and promise of every new day that I am blessed with..my past strengthens me but I don't live there...my vision is on my future and what I need to do everyday to make it as promising as i see it can be.

...unconditional love..

I'm glad this week is over...it was a rough one for me...until I talked to my niece last night and this is how our conversation ended....

VICKIE: "Love you all the way to Jupiter".

ME: " Love you all the way to Venus"
(Unfortunately "Venus" is what I blurted out even though it is closer to the earth then "Jupiter" which would infer that I love her less then she loved me...which is not the case at all..I love my niecee..and in my defense..the planet thing totally caught me off guard...we usually use countries..Anyways by her next comment you'll see that I chose the right planet...:))

VICKIE: "AUNTY!? How did you know that was my favorite planet!!!??"
Then she proceeded to tell me all she knew about Venus:)

There is nothing so healing and uplifting then someone who loves you unconditionally sharing that feeling with you. Vickie's candidness is inspiring.

Why do we hold back so much?....saying a kind word..or expressing our love for others...or even building someone up when you've seen them do well.

All I know is when I grow up I want to be just like my Vickie.

All wrong turns lead to Kearns....

So I have been living in Utah for a little over a year and a half...that should've been ample time for me to learn and understand the grid system (which is the way the roads are set up), right? It seems easy enough when it's explained to me ...but for some reason I still get lost on a daily....no maybe bi-weekly basis. I use to always end up in Kerns every time I got lost(hence the title)...don't even ask me how or why but it is a true fact.

When I was living in Hawaii there was no way I could get lost. I could navigate around the island on auto pilot..but this is not Hawaii and I am wasting a ton of gas getting lost...so what is my solution? Well I was thinking of getting a GPS....but I fear I will mess with it too much when I'm driving...which is unsafe. (That being said I also text while I am driving which is ABSOLUTELY unsafe and I am desperately trying to rid myself of this habit...starting today :)) A lot of times I get distracted or I start singing a song that's playing on the radio and totally miss my turn or exit, then I don't know how to get back to where I need to be. I'll eventually find my way but it would be nice to know where I need to go and be able to go straight there.

I know you gotta be feeling a life lesson coming up next right :) ....

I know exactly where I want to be, what I want to be and what I want in my life....but my interpretation of the directions and my own distractions make getting to THAT PLACE (the place I need and want to be) a little difficult...will I eventually find my way?..Yes, however if I eliminate a lot of the distractions I might be able to get there quicker. So what should I let go of, or even add to my life to make my journey to THAT PLACE..less confusing, more efficient, and possibly more enjoyable? Well you're just not going to get an answer to that question today...but it definitely is something that is heavy on my mind.

I'll tell you one thing though I will forever be grateful to those who care enough to help me get back on track..AND have reminded me that I am on a journey...and not yet at THAT PLACE... Settling is for SUCKAS y'all.

Vivid & beautiful...

I always seem to have a lot on my mind....today was no exception. So as always driving and music were a must...those two things always seem to settle my mind down...so I decide to finally go down south and check out the Alpine Loop. I've been meaning to go for the past two weeks but something else always came up...anyways it was such a beautiful day today..the leaves are changing to vivid shades of orange, red, yellow and brown...so you set that against a stunning azure sky and you got a picture perfect day. Unfortunately I only have an old school Pentax SLR so since the film is still in my camera bag with the 4 other rolls of film I need to develop I'm only posting the ones I took with my cell phone.


The drive through Provo Canyon was breathtaking, and healing. I am amazed at Heavenly Fathers creations...what He has in trusted us with...to take care of, to love, to appreciate, and to cultivate...this thought also reminds me of the nieces and nephews I've been blessed to have in my life. They are so precious and beautiful, unique and special..they have been the source of so much joy in my life and I have been so fortunate to be touched by the hope I see in their countenances. They are meant to do great things...I know this in my heart and I am in awe of all they can accomplish if they are given the chance and the tools to reach their potential. I pray they my grow strong, steadfast and immovable despite the trials and storms that they will encounter in this life...I know the Lord has them in His hands and will continue to lead and protect them. I love them all beyond measure and will do anything I can to be there for them whenever they need me.

I found a poem years ago when I was going through a difficult time that came into my mind as I was driving through the canyon..thought I'd share...

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

MY NEICE BRIANNA FIDOW



ONE MY FAVORITE PICTURES OF VICKY AND IREE



MAHEA & MOKU STONE



EZRA, VICKY, AND ALVIN @ TEMPLE SQUARE



TAUTE & KUSO

Happy Birthday Tai!!

In a half hour it will be my little sisters birthday, and since I can't sleep I thought I would write about her. She was born Fa'afetai Makanani Ativalu...but we just call her Tai. Even though we are 9 years a part in age we are very close. Tai reminds me of my mom. My mom was beautiful,fiercly loving and affectionate,but at the same time... you did not want to get on her bad side. Everyone that meets me and my sisters always say Tai must be the nice one....they obviously have been blessed to stay on her good side :) No actually Tai is very nice, but she is also very protective of those she loves. She is one of my very favorite people. Let me tell you a typical Tai experience. One night at about 1:00 in the morning Tai comes to me and wakes me up and says, "Hey Sue you know that Seinfeld episode where they are talking about the muffin tops..well THEY ARE the best part!". Now I thought this was strange but I went back to sleep. Then I wake up in the morning to my older sister screaming.."WHO THE HELL ATE ALL THE TOPS OF MY MUFFINS!!!" Apparently she had bought 6 big muffins and all the tops were missing. Of course Tai was long gone, and at school by the time my sister found out. :) Tai loves the history channel and math...and has gone back to school to get her degree in Math education. I miss talking with her. Like most of my siblings I can talk to Tai about anything and everything. From local news, to spiritual matters, to politics, to some weird information she got off the history channel. Tai has this laugh that can make you cry...meaning if you do something that she thinks is funny, she will laugh so hard until you want to slap her ..no joke. I was so happy that Tai found someone that could appreciate all of her...all her quirkiness, humor, thoughts, and feelings. Allen and her totally match :) ...They laugh constantly and have a really strong friendship as well as relationship. I love my sister and wish I could be there with her on her day..like I said before she is one of my favorite people and I am so thankful that I am her sister. Love you Tai!

a restless night....

You were in my dreams last night. I couldn't sleep again. I probably slept a total of 2 hours ...but somewhere in that time...I was sitting with you and you were brushing my hair like you use to when I was little...and you were humming a song...that I can't recall...I felt so at peace..and safe..I miss you mom...more than my heart can express.