Why do people try and give advice to people who are grieving someone who has passed? My friend and I were talking about this the other night. She tragically lost her brother to gang violence two years ago..I have also lost people that I love...and we both agree that people say the stupidest things to those that have lost someone they love. For instance my friend David...actually he is more like a brother to me...we've gone through many similar trials he's been there for me through a lot of difficult times. His beautiful sister Teena passed away in a car accident at the age of 24. Now I'm not going to fully go into his family history but biologically he was Teena's first cousin but they had grown up as brother and sister. Anyway, after she had passed someone made this comment to him. "Well she wasn't your real sister so..." I forgot the rest of the sentence or maybe when David told me he left that part out...my hope is that David cracked him before he finished his sentence..But can you believe that!?! When Kona passed away (refer to earlier blog if you don't know who Kona is)I was serving a mission in Chicago and one of the missionaries ...I suppose in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere said this " Gosh I wonder what he was thinking when he fell...he was probably like "whoooooah" Splat!" She said it with hand gestures and everything. She said this to me the day after he passed. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?
Granted I know it's hard when a friend or even a family member loses someone close to them...It's hard to know what to do or what to say. So let me give you the inside track on a couple things that you shouldn't do..
Don't say.."Don't cry you have to be strong for your family."
Are you freaken kidding me?! Here's my thought, crying over the death of someone you love is natural and also honors them. I mean not to get all scriptural but Jesus cried over Lazarus right before he raised him from the dead...now why would he do that? Well as our ultimate example maybe he's letting us know...it's okay to shed tears for those we love.
Don't....keep talking and saying things like.." They are in a better place.", " Well your a member...so that should give you comfort", and all that advice you think will help....Let me tell you right now.... all your words are falling on deaf ears.
Here's what you should do...Give them a hug, let them know you're there if they need anything....you can sit with them and let them talk about their loved one..or if you have stories about the loved one and your friend looks open to hearing them share those...but take your cue from them...also you should let them cry if they want...(whatever you do don't Shush them when they are crying...That's hella irritating!)...But other than that ...put your casserole, or jello, or whatever you brought by on the counter and shut your pie hole....okay I'm sorry that's a little mean...but pretty much true.
Nothing you could possibly say no matter how inspired you feel you are ...can help with the gaping hole that was ripped in their heart when their loved one died.
If you want to do something for them ...just be there...preferably with your mouth closed.
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