Tongue Tied...

Today I did something really scary...not "go into a dark creepy house as spooky theme music is playing and a psychotic maniac killers on the loose" kind of scary

...it wasn't even the "I just hit black ice and now I'm fish tailing on Bangerter during rush-hour" kind of scary.

It was the "crap I'm going to do something that I am not good at" kind of scary. So what was it?...What was so scary that it topped being in the next horror flicc or almost dying on Bangerter Hwy?.....I took part in a presentation. 
 
Not scary you say? Perhaps. It was a 7 hour presentation and I spoke may be at most about a 45 minutes....I can understand people not feeling like it's such a big deal.
 

But it was for me.

 
I prepped for this for weeks no actually for months. It was information that I knew...information I believe was important. Yet I was just mediocre. I'm not being modest...or fishing for compliments...I was 100% mediocre.

Even though I believed in what I was saying and knew the information...I was less than average. There are some things I excel in...like working with people. I love it..I think I do it well. It is an area that I feel confident in. Power point presentations and public speaking....not so much. But I really want to get better at it.

After the presentation I just couldn't stop thinking about why I sucked so bad. It wasn't like I didn't know the information I shared. (It was on individual meetings with staff)It's stuff that I know and that I do however when I got up there..in front of 8 people and all of them I know well....I choked.

 

I stuttered through it, forgot a bunch of things to say...and really just had no flow. It seriously baffled me. Just like a scout, I WAS PREPARED!!!!!! So what happened??!! I have no clue, but I have decided that I just need to present and speak in front of crowds more often. I hate it and I suck at it....but I really want to change that.

This is not just a self improvement kind of thing; I am the program director of a detox facility in Salt Lake City..we serves over 1600 clients a year which 85 to 90% of our clients are homeless. This is a population that I love and am honored to advocate for, I am passionate about educating the community at large about addiction and the barriers and challenges that my clients face on their journey of recovery.

But if I can't even speak well in front of people I know, about a topic that I actively take part in on a weekly basis...How can I advocate well for my clients???? If I don't try my very best to get better at this ...I have done them and my program a disservice. 

So this is my plan of action:
1. Do more presentations and never turn down an opportunity to speak! (even though writing that already causes me some anxiety)
2. Conduct a monthly training at my agency's training institute..this will force me to get up in front of people every month to present.
3. Study up on techniques and strategies people use that may have the same problem.

Just because something is hard and not fun most of the time and causes insomnia and major anxiety is no reason not to do it :)

I can do this! I just have to work at it. Wish me luck!

Paths...

I have had "paths" on my mind lately...I like taking pictures of paths or roads leading to somewhere...somewhere better..somewhere else..somewhere healing..somewhere challenging..somewhere safe

Some may say that a persons socioeconomic status, the neighborhood they grew up in, the type of environment they lived in (whether it was abusive or not), their family dynamics, their ethnicity, their school district etc., can determine the type of life they will most likely live. I know these studies can be fairly accurate and that they are done to provide information and help in some way etc, etc..but there is something in me that fights against it.

The mere fact that some feel that they can look at my life put all the facts in a blender and suddenly determine the life I most likely will have. Pisses me off. It reeks of arrogance, judgement and a disregard of the intangibles. Intangibles, like the strength of a persons determination, their hope, drive and passion, courage, faith or just sheer stubbornness.

I know that the paths I may want for myself may be made more challenging because of all of those factors mentioned earlier.. but they are not closed off to me...I may have to go through a few more obstacles than others...but I will get there...and the challenges will just make me stronger.

I have really been blessed to be surrounded with people who have helped me along my chosen paths. Friends and family who celebrate with me when I accomplish things, encourage me when I have set backs, and kick me in the butt when I get lazy. To these amazing people I want them to know the depth of my gratitude and love. I do not think they realize how their kind and positive words helped me as I struggled in my journey...but there have been others who would have discouraged me, or counted me out, or bypassed me all together... to them I say...

I determine my path. I make the choice. I am responsible for where I am and where I want to go. Either help me...or get out of my way

Esther

I was at a meeting last night and saw this painting of Queen Esther from the Old Testament. It is one of my very favorite paintings.

To me Esther is the epitome of courage and strong character. She had made the decision to risk her life to save her people from genocide.

Anywhere along her path she could've decided that she loved her life as Queen and wouldn't jeopardize that for others, or that it was too hard to do, or that she'd rather do something else.

But she didn't...she put the needs of others above her own "If I perish, I perish". This artists rendition captures Esther's resolve. Her posture and her eyes reveal her strength. She has made her decision, she will stay the course...come what may.

She's pretty awesome.