Freeing....

...Today was okay....there has been some stuff that has been worrying me or on my mind but I'm learning more and more that no matter what I could do, or think I should do, or am aching to do...sometimes the answer is to...wait and see, or to just listen, or to walk away all together. That is difficult for a die hard "fixer" to do or even to admit...but it's also freeing to not feel responsible for every little thing that happens or to beat myself up over things that are out of my hands. That being said...I am still far from being a master at the whole "Let go, and Let God" thing; however .... I'm optimistic.

....Hard of Hearing....

So I finally got the call I've been waiting for, for the past 7 to 8 months. Skywest finally came a callin'. When I first got to Utah I applied everywhere I could but the first job that called me back was Skywest. I worked first in their cargo department, then in the bag rooms, and then finally on the ramp. It could be difficult at times especially when the weather was extreamly hot or cold, but for the most part it wasn't that bad at all, and I met some really cool people....I met some freaks too but that's a whole other blog.. So anyways I got furloughed in March and have pretty much been waiting to go back so I could fly again. No matter what the work was like, the flying benefits were more than worth it. To be able to travel when ever and where ever you wanted to is a pretty big perk and is the main reason people want to work there. So I should be happy right??... I mean I could jump on a plane this weekend if I wanted and go to Hawaii, California, Vegas, or New York or all of them...depending on availability.... (You can tell there is a big BUT coming right??)...BUT at the last minute I turned down the job.

For a few months now I've been praying for some direction on some decisions that are ahead of me...some inspiration...some guidance...some assurance that I'm where I'm suppose to be.... some big neon arrow from the heavens pointing me in the right direction would be great!!...but for some reason...it's been a little quiet. So I've also been praying to have the courage to act when I finally feel His promptings...even if it's scary or not something I would initially want to do. Not that I don't make decisions on a daily about my life, but I've just been trying to include the Lord in my process more.

So back to the call from Skywest...so I get the call and I'm ecstatic...visions of the beach and my family filled my head...yet I was getting a nagging feeling in my gut that I shouldn't take the job. I dismissed the feeling initially because;
1. I needed some extra income
2. I so desperately wanted to be somewhere else but here.
3. The opportunity to see my dad and sisters was too great to just pass up.


So I thought...if I still feel this way after I go to Hawaii then I'll quit. So I make an appointment with the Training person and go down and sign paper work. During the entire process I felt sick to my stomach. Not a nauseated feeling, but more like when you've hurt someones feelings and you feel really really bad about it...like this sinking bad feeling in your gut. Anyways I know what that feeling means to me, but I keep thinking "just one trip home and I'll be good, I'll quit right after".

At this point I already know that I should not take the job, but I dismiss that feeling with the rationalization that "I'll eventually quit"

So today I was set to train at 5:30 pm. The entire day my heart was heavy and the bad gut feeling was back but stayed with me the whole day. I'm not really good at hiding my feelings so I'm sure the fact that something was bothering me was written all over my face, but I just wasn't in the sharing mood today.

So I finish work at detox and jump in my car to head over to the airport...the feelings I was having did not subside at all, and I kept thinking..."I'll quit after I travel this weekend"..... So I was half way to the airport when a question came into my mind.."You've been asking for direction all this time So ...why are you fighting what the answer is?" ...I finally turn the car around and make the call to the training person to let them know that I would not be taking the job.

Now I'm sure you've heard of the still small voice....Well this answer was practically on a billboard with neon lights and being blasted through Bose speakers ON REPEAT.... yet it took awhile for me to heed it.

I'm not exactly sure why the airport job was not meant for me to take...but I trust that the Lord's vision of my life stretches so much further than I can see and that if I'm seeking His help I need to have a little more faith when I do get an answer. I know He loves me and wants me to be happy...so I pray next time heeding His promptings will be instinctual and that He won't have to yell so loud and so many times to get through to me.

Getting pounded...

....feeling overwhelmed today...you ever feel that way? Where your heart feels weird and a little heavy and your stomach is in knots...there is no more room in my head...today is strange...even my music isn't soothing me.

Have you ever gotten pounded by a wave?...It can be scary...as beautiful as the ocean is...it can be powerful and merciless...I use to boogie board all the time; however I don't know how to swim. I loved being out there in the water and riding those waves on the shore breaks..it is such a peaceful mellow feeling to be out there... just as long as I had a leash on my board I felt okay. But there was this one time in particular that I will never forget.

I went out to Hukilau Beach by myself. It was during Christmas and usually at that time the waves can get pretty big...it didn't seem too bad that day...I remember it was a bit overcast but the water was nice and warm. Nobody was on the beach that morning and I was just enjoying how quiet it was. I wasn't paying much attention and before I knew it I was taken out further than I was use to, but I didn't panic because I had my leash on and I figured I'd just take the next wave in closer to the shore.

The phrase "never turn your back on the ocean" is commonly heard in Hawaii...and unfortunately I did just that...I didn't see the 3 waves that were coming towards me in succession ..nor did I realize their size until I turned and the first one was right over me...I was pounded and pinned to the ocean floor one minute then flipped around the next and just when I thought it would let up the next wave hit....and then the last one...The leash and my board were ripped off of my wrist and I swallowed so much water and was flipped around so much I wasn't sure I would make it..I thought I was going to drown. Fortunately for me every wave that hit me moved me closer and closer to the shore and eventually I was able to stumble and drag myself out of the water and back to the beach.

That's kind of where I'm at right now ...the first wave has hit me and now I'm floundering and waiting for the next two to do it's damage...but eventually I will drag myself out of this...and though I'll be a little shaken...I'll come out of this ...better...wiser...and hopefully even more grateful for another chance to ride again. I still don't know how to swim and it's been a little while since I've been boogie boarding ...but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could..if you can handle getting pounded ...it makes riding a perfect wave all the more sweeter. You learn to appreciate the ocean for all it's beauty as well as respect all of it's power to bring you to your knees.

Life is not very different from the ocean. Here's hoping the waves hit me quickly so I can dust myself off and ride again.

....being Happy in 2010...

So on New Years Eve I went home and decided to try and reach my dad. I was pretty surprised to get through at around 3:00am (Which was 11:00pm in Samoa.) Anyways I had a good conversation with my dad, just talking about what he had been up to that day. In the last few months my dad not only joined Manumalo Baptist church but he has also done musical numbers for them almost every other week, and on this particular night he was asked to share his testimony, which he did.

Him agreeing to do that and then following through....was a HUGE thing for him. My dad is very quiet and pretty introverted, he'll only speak if it's necessary. He also was never very religious while I was growing up...I have never once seen my dad say a prayer and the only time he went to church was during the holidays. He is the kind of person that keeps a lot of things in and doesn't talk about what's going on with him. He'll shy away from crowds and talking in public. So this change in him is a major thing. He sounds happier, content, and even excited about the things he is doing. I'm not exactly sure what brought about the change but I'm glad that he is doing things that are challenging him...despite the fact that I am sure its scary for him...seeing as how he never would have done those things in the past.

So before I end my conversation with my dad I ask him, "Dad do you have any advice for me for 2010?" He paused for a minute..and in that brief time I imagined that he would probably say "Stop trying to go to school and go and get a job that pays more money". or "Move back home where you're close to family"....but that is not the advice he gave me.. he said, "Keep reaching for the things that will make you happy". He continued ...(because of course like the sap that I am, I started to tear up) "You always made your own way, and I know you're doing all these things for a reason, I just want you to be happy". My dad is a man of few words...so his words and confidence in me and my decisions meant more to me than I can begin to express.

So how do I incorporate his advice into my life in 2010? I am not big on "New Years Resolutions"...However my dad's words have inspired me to set some specific goals that will help me be a better version of myself than I have been in the past. I'll still be the same out spoken, goofy, stubborn, slightly ghetto person that I have always been :), I don't see those pieces of me changing... but I pray to be ...better. Better to those around me, better to my family, but most importantly better to myself.

I'm not sure what 2010 will bring, but I'm grateful for the promise this new year has to offer of new experiences and opportunities to learn, grow, and improve.

My Rock.....

Temporary setbacks..
unexpected trials..
self doubts & frustrations..
new lessons learned..
humbling experiences..
yet He continues to lift me up..
I am grateful that He is mindful of me...
especially on my most trying days..
even if I am undeserving
of such love and comfort..
He remains my rock.

The Soundtrack of my day...

LAKE MERRITT, OAKLAND CALIFORNIA

So I'm just strollin' by the Lake and Smokey's distinct voice flow through the ear phones I'm wearing...."baby let's Cruise away from here"..It's a typical San Francisco song..oldies always remind me of the Bay area...I grew up listening to them and where ever I'm at if an oldie comes on I'm taken back to the Bay..memories of my time growing up here come to my mind. Rollerskating around our block, playing "high jump" downstairs or basketball with my cousin Monte...the good memories are encompassing my mind today..as Earth Wind and Fire ...start to sing about September..."Some bells were ringing, Our souls were singing, Do you remember,never a cloudy day?"...and my little sisters smiling face comes to mind...this song takes me back to Hawaii on the day my little sister became eternally connected to my brother in law Allen..for her reception my family was on the dance floor bustin' out all the moves that should've stayed in the past, but it was one of my favorite memories of that day all my siblings dancing with my sister everyone smiling and just enjoying being together as a family...then the soothing sounds of Angie Stone fill the air..."my sunshine has come, and I'm all cried out and there's no more rain in this cloud"...it's a song of healing after you've been hurt.. being able to stand back up, dust yourself off and move on....though this is a fairly recent song it definitely brings images of my mom to the forefront of my mind..she endured a whole lot in her young life..yet no matter what her set backs were, she stood back up and kept moving on...the heartache and pain she must've felt during her life is unfathomable to me...but not only that, I think of my own loss...a loss of a mother who would've walked with me through all the different phases and experiences in my life...my heartaches, my triumphs, my accomplishments...and I feel the void in my heart that is familiar yet still painful...and in that moment I make a promise to myself, to my mom, and to my future children to be there for them like I know my mom would've loved to have been for me...I'm watching the sun slowly disappear here at Lake Merritt and her face is imprinted in the sunset... as the Cranberries start to sing.."But I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you,you got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger, do you have to, do you have to let it linger"...this song reminds me of my brother Alo because it was one of his favorite songs...I was looking at his certificate this morning that says him and his partner of ten years (Lea) are Domestic Partners. I think of all they have been through together, all the hate they have seen, and all the obstacles they have overcome together as a couple. Alo and Lea are two of the very best people I know and I love them with all my heart and I hope they know how so very grateful I am to have them in my life... Now Janet starts to sing..."Living everyday like it's my last,I refuse to be stuck in the past, people actin like machines, cause they're scared to live their dreams,no not me" ...as the song continues I think of my own life as I see it illuminating before me, revealing everything I have to be grateful for and the hope and promise of every new day that I am blessed with..my past strengthens me but I don't live there...my vision is on my future and what I need to do everyday to make it as promising as i see it can be.

...unconditional love..

I'm glad this week is over...it was a rough one for me...until I talked to my niece last night and this is how our conversation ended....

VICKIE: "Love you all the way to Jupiter".

ME: " Love you all the way to Venus"
(Unfortunately "Venus" is what I blurted out even though it is closer to the earth then "Jupiter" which would infer that I love her less then she loved me...which is not the case at all..I love my niecee..and in my defense..the planet thing totally caught me off guard...we usually use countries..Anyways by her next comment you'll see that I chose the right planet...:))

VICKIE: "AUNTY!? How did you know that was my favorite planet!!!??"
Then she proceeded to tell me all she knew about Venus:)

There is nothing so healing and uplifting then someone who loves you unconditionally sharing that feeling with you. Vickie's candidness is inspiring.

Why do we hold back so much?....saying a kind word..or expressing our love for others...or even building someone up when you've seen them do well.

All I know is when I grow up I want to be just like my Vickie.