Tongue Tied...

Today I did something really scary...not "go into a dark creepy house as spooky theme music is playing and a psychotic maniac killers on the loose" kind of scary

...it wasn't even the "I just hit black ice and now I'm fish tailing on Bangerter during rush-hour" kind of scary.

It was the "crap I'm going to do something that I am not good at" kind of scary. So what was it?...What was so scary that it topped being in the next horror flicc or almost dying on Bangerter Hwy?.....I took part in a presentation. 
 
Not scary you say? Perhaps. It was a 7 hour presentation and I spoke may be at most about a 45 minutes....I can understand people not feeling like it's such a big deal.
 

But it was for me.

 
I prepped for this for weeks no actually for months. It was information that I knew...information I believe was important. Yet I was just mediocre. I'm not being modest...or fishing for compliments...I was 100% mediocre.

Even though I believed in what I was saying and knew the information...I was less than average. There are some things I excel in...like working with people. I love it..I think I do it well. It is an area that I feel confident in. Power point presentations and public speaking....not so much. But I really want to get better at it.

After the presentation I just couldn't stop thinking about why I sucked so bad. It wasn't like I didn't know the information I shared. (It was on individual meetings with staff)It's stuff that I know and that I do however when I got up there..in front of 8 people and all of them I know well....I choked.

 

I stuttered through it, forgot a bunch of things to say...and really just had no flow. It seriously baffled me. Just like a scout, I WAS PREPARED!!!!!! So what happened??!! I have no clue, but I have decided that I just need to present and speak in front of crowds more often. I hate it and I suck at it....but I really want to change that.

This is not just a self improvement kind of thing; I am the program director of a detox facility in Salt Lake City..we serves over 1600 clients a year which 85 to 90% of our clients are homeless. This is a population that I love and am honored to advocate for, I am passionate about educating the community at large about addiction and the barriers and challenges that my clients face on their journey of recovery.

But if I can't even speak well in front of people I know, about a topic that I actively take part in on a weekly basis...How can I advocate well for my clients???? If I don't try my very best to get better at this ...I have done them and my program a disservice. 

So this is my plan of action:
1. Do more presentations and never turn down an opportunity to speak! (even though writing that already causes me some anxiety)
2. Conduct a monthly training at my agency's training institute..this will force me to get up in front of people every month to present.
3. Study up on techniques and strategies people use that may have the same problem.

Just because something is hard and not fun most of the time and causes insomnia and major anxiety is no reason not to do it :)

I can do this! I just have to work at it. Wish me luck!

Paths...

I have had "paths" on my mind lately...I like taking pictures of paths or roads leading to somewhere...somewhere better..somewhere else..somewhere healing..somewhere challenging..somewhere safe

Some may say that a persons socioeconomic status, the neighborhood they grew up in, the type of environment they lived in (whether it was abusive or not), their family dynamics, their ethnicity, their school district etc., can determine the type of life they will most likely live. I know these studies can be fairly accurate and that they are done to provide information and help in some way etc, etc..but there is something in me that fights against it.

The mere fact that some feel that they can look at my life put all the facts in a blender and suddenly determine the life I most likely will have. Pisses me off. It reeks of arrogance, judgement and a disregard of the intangibles. Intangibles, like the strength of a persons determination, their hope, drive and passion, courage, faith or just sheer stubbornness.

I know that the paths I may want for myself may be made more challenging because of all of those factors mentioned earlier.. but they are not closed off to me...I may have to go through a few more obstacles than others...but I will get there...and the challenges will just make me stronger.

I have really been blessed to be surrounded with people who have helped me along my chosen paths. Friends and family who celebrate with me when I accomplish things, encourage me when I have set backs, and kick me in the butt when I get lazy. To these amazing people I want them to know the depth of my gratitude and love. I do not think they realize how their kind and positive words helped me as I struggled in my journey...but there have been others who would have discouraged me, or counted me out, or bypassed me all together... to them I say...

I determine my path. I make the choice. I am responsible for where I am and where I want to go. Either help me...or get out of my way

Esther

I was at a meeting last night and saw this painting of Queen Esther from the Old Testament. It is one of my very favorite paintings.

To me Esther is the epitome of courage and strong character. She had made the decision to risk her life to save her people from genocide.

Anywhere along her path she could've decided that she loved her life as Queen and wouldn't jeopardize that for others, or that it was too hard to do, or that she'd rather do something else.

But she didn't...she put the needs of others above her own "If I perish, I perish". This artists rendition captures Esther's resolve. Her posture and her eyes reveal her strength. She has made her decision, she will stay the course...come what may.

She's pretty awesome.

"Warrior"

I watched a movie Saturday night called "Warrior". My sister Tai loved this movie and told me I had to watch it. She said it was an inspirational movie about two brothers who were mixed martial arts fighters but said little else.

I've decided that I liked this movie...but I had to sleep on it before I fully came to that conclusion.

From Scene 1 this movie was heavy. The dad played by Nick Nolte is an alcoholic and from what I gather he was a very abusive father and husband...but close to his 1000 days of being sober his younger son Tommy, comes back to get his fathers help in training for this mixed martial arts tournament. Meanwhile the older brother who is a physics teacher, is close to losing his home so he begins to train for the same fight. The story line isn't the greatest but the overarching theme was the broken relationship between this father and his sons and the consequences of abuse. Which was portrayed heavily in Tommy's character. Tommy's anger was palpable in every scene he was in.

The interaction between the sons and their father was painful to watch. I felt like they were resolved to this estranged, raw and heart wrenching relationship. This movie was saturated with pain, anger, and regret. During a difficult scene where Tommy yet again verbally attacks his father I turned to my friend and said.."Why do we chose to hurt eachother so much?"

In the last few months I have had friends pass away, family become ill, friends dealing with painful medical issues or the loss of a child, as well as my own trials. No one in this life gets a pass on difficult and often times agonizing events that we have to deal with. So I think its fair to say that there is no reason for us to keep creating and perpetuating painful or hurtful situations...this journey we're on has it built right in. It made me reflect on my own actions...the words I use and the things I do that could affect another....that could hurt another. With reflection comes an awareness which hopefully leads to change.

The last scene of the movie the brothers walk out together...pain hopefully evolved into healing:) I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

So why did I decide that I liked "Warrior"?...the sliver of hope that was evident in both brothers towards the end. Even in the darkest and bleakest of situations I believe there is hope, light and forgivness. My cousin and sister both think I can be pretty gullible...which very well may be true..but I'm cool with that.

...Hold on...

I decided to go up by Red Butte gardens to the Livingroom Saturday morning. I wanted to be in the mountains but couldn't go far from Salt Lake. It was a beautiful morning. It had rained during the night but the sky was clearing up and it was nice and cool. I had started on the trail and passed a few people. This is a pretty busy trail with people biking or running up and around the area and Saturday morning was no different. There were a few spots in the beginning of the trail that were blocked off...so I had to take an alternate route. I didn't think it was that big of a deal...if I just keep going up I would eventually get there. Right?!?? I had my ipod on and I was listening to a talk from the last general conference...Elder Bednar was speaking about personal revelation...it made me think about my own communication with the Lord..

Sidenote: So those who know me well... know that on very rare occasions I can get distracted...and may at times get lost due to this problem. Well this was one of those extremely rare occasions.

Somehow I found myself off the trail and in the middle of a forest...ok so it wasn't a forest but there was brush all around me and I really couldn't see where I was going. I couldn't see far behind me...nor could I see much in front of me...all I saw was this...

....Yup a whole lotta trees and shrubs. So I decided I would follow my earlier plan and keep going up....I must have been walking in the "forest" for a good 20 minutes...before realizing that I hadn't seen anyone in that amount of time. Not one single person on this normally busy trail. I sat on a rock and was trying to decide what to do...the trees seemed to be closing in on me....:) ok not really...but there was this very "alone" feeling that I got all of sudden, After much deliberation I decided that I would continue going in the direction that feels "up"...then after about 30 minutes of wandering in the forest I finally walk out on to a path that looks familiar to me

...I finally knew exactly where I was. I was so surprised because I thought I was so far off the mark and that I wasn't even close to my destnation...but I was closer than I realized.

Ever feel like you are knee deep in it??...and by "it" I mean any dificult time, or trial, sadness or illness or just anything that feels like it may be too difficult to bear? Like you can't see the end anywhere in sight? I've had many times when I've felt like that...when I was in the thick of things...I couldn't see which way to go and I felt like I was the only one on this trail..but somehow...mostly when I'm just about to throw in the towel...something happens...like you finally find yourself back on a familiar trail and realize that the end really is in sight. Things do eventually get better...even though it may not feel like it when you're in the midst of it all...in the corny words of the 90's pop group Wilson Philips If we can "hold on for one more day"...we may be able to actually pull through. (That quote was for you Donald..I know how much you love them :)) Hopefully we have people on the trail with us, helping us along, sharing the load, or just making us laugh so even the most difficult trails are bearable. You will get through this...things will get better...I promise.

.

Boys, Spidey Sense & Stupid Ice Cream Trucks...

Last week Saturday I took my nephews (Ezra 11, Alvin 7, and Kuso 5) to Bridal Veil Falls in Provo.

This was their first time hiking EVER. So I wanted to do one that wasn't hard or long so that they could have a good first experience.

We hung out at the bottom of the waterfall for a little bit just hanging out before starting on the trail. Beforehand we decided that Ezra would lead us, Alvin would follow behind him and Kuso and I would take the rear.

I totally wished I had a scout manual on me!!...I know the motto is "Be prepared" but what is their advice and direction when a kid is on his/her first hike?? I really wanted the boys to have an awesome experience because if it sucked, they may not want to go again. And the thing that has been so relaxing and healing to me since moving to Utah is being able to explore in nature. Anyways without a scout manual I was left to wing it, so we discussed the importance of paying attention and staying focused, not running, helping eachother, sticking close together and the things that could happen if we don't follow direction....and yes I did mention falling to your death.

What?! I think transperancy is important.

Anyways I asked if they understood and they replied in unison exactly what I wanted to hear. "Yes Aunty we understand".

So for the most part everything went smoothly. Until we were at a somewhat sketchy part of the trail. There is one spot where you have to scramble across this very short area thats a gap in the path with some loose gravel. With a little direction and help Ezra went first. I helped him part way and he was very careful. He got across with no problems at all. Even though he was confident and the gap in the path was just a few feet..I found my whole body tense up in worry as he crossed. But besides the whole tense thing I felt like I had this amplified awareness of how he was moving and could almost predict what his next step was going to be. It was like a spidey sense. I think parents may be secret super heros with special powers in regards to their kids. (Maybe unbeknownst to me Pam might've loaned me some of her secret spidey powers when i came to pick up the boys.)

Anyways, Alvin was next...he kept looking down and seemed hesitant to cross. So I talked with him a bit about what to do, helped him part way across and told him Ezra would help him at the other end. So he starts across very slowly but steadily. He is not to far off from Ezra, who seems focused on him and ready to reach out to help him across...but then the sound of this stupid ice cream truck fills the air and Ezra looks away from Alvin for a second...As soon as I hear that blasted song I immediately look at Alvin who became nervous because Ezras attention for that second is not on him and he moves faster then he intended and slips. LUCKILY he slips after he crosses the gap but it scares him nonetheless (and scared the crap out of me as well). Alvin stood up and quickly gave Ezra a couple of punches in the gut. I was beyond grateful that I was looking at Alvin pummel his brother instead of being hurt from a fall.

Suffice it to say we had a very lengthy conversation about safety and staying focused. But I also told them how great they did helping eachother and looking out for one another. We all had a great time and they asked when are we going again.. but this time on one thats longer :) Hopefully it'll be soon...possibly after i get a scout manual.

:(

Have you ever messed up but couldn't take it back? Couldn't make it better, or say sorry any more sincere? You can't rewind the clock so you don't say what you shouldn't have said. I messed up today. I mean I really jacked up...and sorry just doesn't cut it. Doesn't cut it at all.