..the sun..

THE SPIRAL JETTY

I woke up and the day was gray...and my heart was heavy with things that I knew had to be done today. It started with me going to court to support someone who needed to be there. I don't like court. Many people that came out of the court rooms were either crying or pissed. I didn't like the vibe of the place. I walked away with my heart heavier than before. Then I came back to work and needed to talk to some staff about their concerns. I listened and hopefully they felt heard. I really do have an amazing staff...but felt tired and drained soon after meeting with everyone.

Then I walked outside...and for a little while the sky was blue and the sun was shining. My heart and my environment had been gray the entire day...but that had all changed when I went outside and felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I felt whole and healed and loved.

I'm grateful for God, the gospel, His creations, the mountains, the sun, hope, music, laughter, good friends and family...and everything else that makes me happy.

...blank pages...

I walked all over the city of San Francisco yesterday. Well maybe not all over...but a fair amount of downtown SF. It was overcast all day but it was nice...I find that I am more present when the weather is bad...then when it is sunny and beautiful. Probably because when the sun is out and the sky is blue...my thoughts turn to other locations and times I've been in. So yesterday I was keenly aware of my surroundings and the strangers that inhabited my space.

I like meeting new people. Everyone has a story and I think it's pretty facinating to hear others experiences and what they have done with their lot in life.

Most peoples stories are a mix of many different kinds of experiences, some are sad, humourous, exciting, boring..or even dramatic. I was walking by all these people milling around the streets of San Francisco wondering how their experience has been thus far..how they feel about their journey....and their quality of life. Would they change things?...or do they feel it's too late. Then of course my thoughts turned to my own jouney.

As far as stories go...mine has been interesting. There have been some twists and turns...blessing beyond measure, heart breaks and triumphs...but that is my past..those experiences can never be changed...So the question of the hour is,

"What will I choose to be written on the blank pages ahead of me?"

Found the Ocean in Utah...

I was in American Fork Canyon today..driving through Alpine Loop. I couldn't stay in the city any longer..I was feeling claustrophobic. It felt like my heart was being constricted..and nothing I did was relieving the pressure. So I went to see a good friend..then I went on my drive. When I use to feel this way in Hawaii..I would go to the beach and I always felt peace. Especially if it was early in the morning when the water is glassy and no one was there...just me and the ocean.

Didn't think I would ever find that in Utah...but I definitely found it today. I didn't even have my radio on...it was just me and the beautiful mountains. I felt all the tension leave my heart...I didn't even want to leave. These pictures don't do the canyon justice...the entire area is breathtaking. I am so thankful for the beauty of Heavenly Fathers creations and for helping me find the peace that I needed today..

Juggling Act...

Some people make juggling a million things look so easy...HOW DO THEY DO THAT!!?? Lately I've felt like the picture that is on this post...but I like the challenge of pushing myself to perform. The thing that is different from my previous juggling act...is my own well being, happiness and health is a main plate. In the past...if it was even one of the plates it would be a less important one. Not so any longer...balance can be a tricky thing...but I'm slowly working it out.

I am a hypocrite.....

So just recently I was talking to a friend about me moving...he says I have a difficult time asking for help...this is true. So anyways he gave me a hard time about it so I txt him about helping me. I got no response but that is not really a surprise...this friend doesn't seem to txt much...at least not as much as me. So the next time I saw him I said "So did you get my txt about helping me move?" He said he did and asked a couple of questions why I was leaving my place...and then a little bit after said. "I'm sure a lot of guys in the ward would help you move".

So this statement to any normal person wouldn't really mean much. I'm sure most people wouldn't even think twice about this; my brain works a little differently...because what I heard was "I'm sure other people would be willing to help you because I really don't want to".

(Again please note that...I have a difficult time asking for help)

So most of the time if I am asking for something for myself...I'll probably apologize a million times..then ask only once. If I feel there was any reluctance...whether in the tone of your voice or a facial expression that passes your face even for a brief second...I will find some other way to get whatever I need... done. Regardless of whether you have committed to help me or not. I just feel a lot of shame when I assume that I have put someone out.

So for instance my friend who said he would help me, would have probably heard one of these two excuses before moving day
1 "Hey so I got a bunch of people to come and help so you don't need to worry but thanks so much for being willing"
2."I was able to move in sooner so I got some friends to help with the move so you don't have to worry about it"

yeah I know it's dishonest and I really try not to go there...but I think sometimes my shame outweighs my judgement...Fortunately for me he asked me again about moving and asked why I didn't tell him. So I decided to just tell him that he seemed reluctant..he told me the only reluctance was in my head :) Which though hard to hear ....I knew was true.

So it is now 8:40pm and I need help. I forgot I needed to purchase a bed before my move and have not had time to do it. So I finally find one but I would need to get it tonight at 10:00pm in West Valley. I have been feeling sick all day. I am congested, feel achy, and have a really bad headache... I know I need help. So I'm looking at contacts on my phone as to who I can call at this time to help me haul a bed to my place, and I just can't bring myself to inconvenience anyone. I would have been pissed if one of my friends or family didn't ask for my help when they needed something...but here I sit...looking at my phone knowing I won't call anyone...and now trying to figure out where to get some rope so I can go get my bed.

Song of the Heart...

A friend of mine from work gave me a voice lesson today. She has to do it for a class and she picked me!! I was really embarrassed and nervous.

I love singing, but my range is super low and I just get so self conscious. The only time I don't get nervous singing is when I'm singing hymns in church. When I'm singing church songs ..especially in sacrament... it's like no one else is there but me and the Lord. When I'm singing in church hitting the notes is great...but what I am really focusing on is feeling the words in my heart. Though the hymns have been sung time and time again by hundreds of people...the words become very personal for me...every note that comes out of my mouth carries with it a piece of my heart..my pleadings with the Lord...my troubles..my triumphs and successes..my hopes.

Now that doesn't always mean I sing on key...you can just ask the people that sit next to me:)...but I'm sure the Lord hears my heart instead of my tone deafness :)

Anyways, I am excited to be doing these voice lessons...like I said I was really nervous, but my friend Madelyn is not only encouraging she's also a beautiful singer and really patient. Although she might be a little mean...she made me dance around the room while trying to sing like Julie Andrews on the Sound of Music. She asked what I want to get out of these lessons...I really had to think about it but if I am being totally honest...I just want to be able to convey my feelings... my testimony confidently through music. Madelyn really does have her work cut for her :)

Disconnecting....

There is something refreshing about going away and unplugging...from your everyday life...of work, responsibilities and obligations..and just being in the moment. I just got back from Goblin Valley State Park. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!! It really was like being a kid again..we spent most of the day climbing on weird rock formations and exploring. I know that must sound incredibly boring to some but I had such a great time. I was a little reluctant about going because of the fact that we would be camping overnight. Ever since I left Samoa I said I would NEVER EVER EVER on my own accord go camping, but it was SO MUCH FUN!! We roasted hot dogs and I had my very first S'more or is it shmore..whatever..the graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate thing and it was WONDERFUL!!! We played...laughed a lot...talked..ate..took pictures ..and just hung out. There was no cell phone reception in the area, which actually was a good thing. Sometimes u just want to disconnect and go somewhere to clear ur head and to just be... present. It was nice to see families out enjoying the park. In the morning when we were breaking camp these 4 little boys were playing tag on the mountain. It was nice to see kids having fun without being totally focused on their ipod, or nintendo DS, or attached to a cell phone. They were playing tag...not as a app on their iphone..or on the wii...but they were playing real honest to goodness old fashion tag.

It really was an amazing trip...I can't wait to go again!!!