...too many thoughts...

I WOULD LIKE TO PREFACE THIS NEXT ENTRY BY JUST SAYING THAT...THERE IS NO PLOT, LESSON OR DEEP MEANING BEHIND IT...IT IS WHAT IT IS..AND THERE ARE A LOT OF WORDS TO READ. A COWORKER TOLD ME MY BLOG HAD TOO MANY WORDS IN IT.. SO THOUGHT I'D WARN YA...BEWARE MANY WORDS BELOW! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

It is 3:50am and I can’t sleep. I tried to I swear…I finished my laundry and went to bed at about 12:30ish...but at 3:45 my mind is suddenly awake with a million and one thoughts…did I clean the lint off the lint trap thingy for the dryer, what was that strum that Kaui taught me to go with the song I am learning, which clients do I meet with first when I get to work, how is my dad doing, why isn’t the Gold’s gym in Sugar House open at 5 like the one in West Valley, how do I quit a job I just started yesterday, when am I going to finish my grad school application, where is the nearest library, I love Liberty Park, Is the song I’m learning for my friend appropriate...and the list goes on and on.

I started this job yesterday…it’s a part time job just something to help me save, possibly pay some bills. I’ve almost always had two jobs it seems…you would think I would’ve saved a lot...but that is not the case. Anyways so I’m sitting in the office getting trained by one of the nicest ladies, the work is easy enough and it would be just 3 hours a night. It would be perfect with my schedule at detox, yet I’m sitting there feeling claustrophobic. I usually feel like this when I've made a wrong choice or I feel like I have to speak up about something. So like I said I’m sitting in this office listening to her training which was nice and thorough. And all the while my heart is clenching inside until I make the decision that I would not be returning to this job. Immediately I feel better and I relax. Now my thoughts are how do I quit after working one day and not sound like a jerk when trying to explain myself? Good question I think. But no answer has come to mind as of yet.

My friend Aaron will be leaving soon to go to the military. Since I’ve been at my current job he has been such a great support and friend we’ve gotten closer the past few weeks because now I live down the street from him. I will miss him tons. He’s like a little big brother and a pit bull all rolled in one. He’s tough. He’s been through some crap and I really respect that. I’ve been trying to learn the song “In my life” by the Beatles on my ukulele to sing at his farewell party. I’ve always loved this song…but it sounds funeralish and that’s the last thing I want to think about with him going to the military.

The ukulele is a beautiful instrument. I know when people think of the Uke they hear that childish picking (which sounds totally cheesy) that they play on commercials when they are talking about Hawaii...but I’ve heard the ukulele played beautifully. I have a tenor concert uke which has a deeper sound and singing to it has become one of my favorite things to do…I’ve always loved singing. I don’t do it wonderfully like I would like to …but for the most part I think I’m able to stay on tune. I love singing in the car…which I do every time I’m in there. I have a wide range of music on cd…and am always looking to add to my collection. For me music heals. Music brings out what I feel in my heart …that I wouldn’t be able to explain with my own words. Being able to play the ukulele has given me the opportunity to sing outside of my car and not look like a crazy person... :)or maybe now I just look like a singing crazy person with a uke.

I have bills to pay and school to save for yet…I don’t want to get an extra job. I want to utilize my time after work to do the things I love to do. Hanging with friends, exploring Salt Lake, going to the gym (or walking down at the park…Did I mention I LOVE LIBERTY PARK!!!), learning how to play the ukulele, reading, going to the temple, etc. I feel a little selfish about that …but at the same time. I feel like its okay to take care of me for a little bit… I know it won‘t last forever …hopefully I’ll be going to school and everything will change…but for now I want to take this time for me.

Usually when I write in my blog I’ve learned some life lesson (it’s usually a repeat lesson because I don’t listen good the first time the Lord tries to teach me something). But I don’t think there is a lesson here…just my random thoughts that are crowding my mind and needed a release. It’s about 4:44am and my alarm is going to go off in about 15 minutes…finally my eyes are getting drowsy…so I’m going to try and crash for a minute. Goodnight /good morning…