Tomorrow is Mother's Day and guess who is on my mind.....yup my Mom! If I had to describe my mom in a few words I would start with Beautiful, Fiesty, Strong, Loving...well "loving" might not be a strong enough word...Maybe "Fiercely Loving" especially to her children. She did everything for her children..and tried her best to do everything she could to take care of her family. Unfortunately at the young age of 49 Cancer took her life. My mom also had mental issues that plagued her from 1983 to the time of her passing. When I think of my mom I can't help but feel guilt...for not being a better daughter, for letting her down, and for not being there for her when I could have been. I was too caught up at the time in my own life and what I was doing, that I didn't take the time to write her or call her or just be with her in the last few days of her life. At the time no one really close to me had passed away....so I almost had this "it couldn't possibly happen to me" feeling. I remember when I heard my mom had cancer I just thought..."well it's in the early stages, I'm sure she'll be okay". My mom passed away 2 months after her diagnosis. You know I hear people say, "I have no regretts" or "You shouldn't have any regretts because those decisions helped you become the person you are today"...I think that's BULLCRAP! I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't take the first flight out as soon as I heard she was sick, I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't write her more, I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't tell her enough times that I love her. I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't grab a hold of every moment I could, to be with her. So in my prayers every so often I speak to her....I apologize to her on my knees until all my tears are gone..and I see her beautiful face. Smiling...Beautiful... Whole...Well....without the cares of the world that were already on her shoulders, without illness, without pain...and I know that she hears me.
2 comments:
You are entitled to feel those feelings of regret as they are a part of what you truly feel concerning your mother. So I won't tell you that you're not allowed to feel that way. I just want to tell you that I have similar thoughts and feelings about my own mother's passing and the experiences I had around her passing has given me peace and comfort in knowing that she has forgiven me. I know your mother loves you. Please don't let regret and guilt consume you.
xoxo
this is a tough one big sis because y'know I completely understand how you feel. when i was younger and we were all in samoa, to some degree i was hoping you all would feel this when we got older because i didn't like how mom turned out to be a burden for you all. i feel bad for wishing those things upon you guys because i see how it eats away at you ALL.
i know that no matter what i say will not change how you feel. i just want to reiterate what Ipo said, Mom loves you. She loved you Sue. No matter how you feel about the past she loves you. And if she loves you like I KNOW me and you both know, then that means she has forgiven you for anything you feel you have done.
You will never hear her forgive you Sue and you will never hear her say 'I Love You' again. This is where faith comes in Sue. You have to trust in your heart like I trust in mine that mom loved us and forgave everyone for everything. Sis, trust in the love that you have for mom otherwise you'll never be able to let go. And sis, it's time to let go. I love you.
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