My Rock.....

Temporary setbacks..
unexpected trials..
self doubts & frustrations..
new lessons learned..
humbling experiences..
yet He continues to lift me up..
I am grateful that He is mindful of me...
especially on my most trying days..
even if I am undeserving
of such love and comfort..
He remains my rock.

The Soundtrack of my day...

LAKE MERRITT, OAKLAND CALIFORNIA

So I'm just strollin' by the Lake and Smokey's distinct voice flow through the ear phones I'm wearing...."baby let's Cruise away from here"..It's a typical San Francisco song..oldies always remind me of the Bay area...I grew up listening to them and where ever I'm at if an oldie comes on I'm taken back to the Bay..memories of my time growing up here come to my mind. Rollerskating around our block, playing "high jump" downstairs or basketball with my cousin Monte...the good memories are encompassing my mind today..as Earth Wind and Fire ...start to sing about September..."Some bells were ringing, Our souls were singing, Do you remember,never a cloudy day?"...and my little sisters smiling face comes to mind...this song takes me back to Hawaii on the day my little sister became eternally connected to my brother in law Allen..for her reception my family was on the dance floor bustin' out all the moves that should've stayed in the past, but it was one of my favorite memories of that day all my siblings dancing with my sister everyone smiling and just enjoying being together as a family...then the soothing sounds of Angie Stone fill the air..."my sunshine has come, and I'm all cried out and there's no more rain in this cloud"...it's a song of healing after you've been hurt.. being able to stand back up, dust yourself off and move on....though this is a fairly recent song it definitely brings images of my mom to the forefront of my mind..she endured a whole lot in her young life..yet no matter what her set backs were, she stood back up and kept moving on...the heartache and pain she must've felt during her life is unfathomable to me...but not only that, I think of my own loss...a loss of a mother who would've walked with me through all the different phases and experiences in my life...my heartaches, my triumphs, my accomplishments...and I feel the void in my heart that is familiar yet still painful...and in that moment I make a promise to myself, to my mom, and to my future children to be there for them like I know my mom would've loved to have been for me...I'm watching the sun slowly disappear here at Lake Merritt and her face is imprinted in the sunset... as the Cranberries start to sing.."But I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you,you got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger, do you have to, do you have to let it linger"...this song reminds me of my brother Alo because it was one of his favorite songs...I was looking at his certificate this morning that says him and his partner of ten years (Lea) are Domestic Partners. I think of all they have been through together, all the hate they have seen, and all the obstacles they have overcome together as a couple. Alo and Lea are two of the very best people I know and I love them with all my heart and I hope they know how so very grateful I am to have them in my life... Now Janet starts to sing..."Living everyday like it's my last,I refuse to be stuck in the past, people actin like machines, cause they're scared to live their dreams,no not me" ...as the song continues I think of my own life as I see it illuminating before me, revealing everything I have to be grateful for and the hope and promise of every new day that I am blessed with..my past strengthens me but I don't live there...my vision is on my future and what I need to do everyday to make it as promising as i see it can be.

...unconditional love..

I'm glad this week is over...it was a rough one for me...until I talked to my niece last night and this is how our conversation ended....

VICKIE: "Love you all the way to Jupiter".

ME: " Love you all the way to Venus"
(Unfortunately "Venus" is what I blurted out even though it is closer to the earth then "Jupiter" which would infer that I love her less then she loved me...which is not the case at all..I love my niecee..and in my defense..the planet thing totally caught me off guard...we usually use countries..Anyways by her next comment you'll see that I chose the right planet...:))

VICKIE: "AUNTY!? How did you know that was my favorite planet!!!??"
Then she proceeded to tell me all she knew about Venus:)

There is nothing so healing and uplifting then someone who loves you unconditionally sharing that feeling with you. Vickie's candidness is inspiring.

Why do we hold back so much?....saying a kind word..or expressing our love for others...or even building someone up when you've seen them do well.

All I know is when I grow up I want to be just like my Vickie.

All wrong turns lead to Kearns....

So I have been living in Utah for a little over a year and a half...that should've been ample time for me to learn and understand the grid system (which is the way the roads are set up), right? It seems easy enough when it's explained to me ...but for some reason I still get lost on a daily....no maybe bi-weekly basis. I use to always end up in Kerns every time I got lost(hence the title)...don't even ask me how or why but it is a true fact.

When I was living in Hawaii there was no way I could get lost. I could navigate around the island on auto pilot..but this is not Hawaii and I am wasting a ton of gas getting lost...so what is my solution? Well I was thinking of getting a GPS....but I fear I will mess with it too much when I'm driving...which is unsafe. (That being said I also text while I am driving which is ABSOLUTELY unsafe and I am desperately trying to rid myself of this habit...starting today :)) A lot of times I get distracted or I start singing a song that's playing on the radio and totally miss my turn or exit, then I don't know how to get back to where I need to be. I'll eventually find my way but it would be nice to know where I need to go and be able to go straight there.

I know you gotta be feeling a life lesson coming up next right :) ....

I know exactly where I want to be, what I want to be and what I want in my life....but my interpretation of the directions and my own distractions make getting to THAT PLACE (the place I need and want to be) a little difficult...will I eventually find my way?..Yes, however if I eliminate a lot of the distractions I might be able to get there quicker. So what should I let go of, or even add to my life to make my journey to THAT PLACE..less confusing, more efficient, and possibly more enjoyable? Well you're just not going to get an answer to that question today...but it definitely is something that is heavy on my mind.

I'll tell you one thing though I will forever be grateful to those who care enough to help me get back on track..AND have reminded me that I am on a journey...and not yet at THAT PLACE... Settling is for SUCKAS y'all.

Vivid & beautiful...

I always seem to have a lot on my mind....today was no exception. So as always driving and music were a must...those two things always seem to settle my mind down...so I decide to finally go down south and check out the Alpine Loop. I've been meaning to go for the past two weeks but something else always came up...anyways it was such a beautiful day today..the leaves are changing to vivid shades of orange, red, yellow and brown...so you set that against a stunning azure sky and you got a picture perfect day. Unfortunately I only have an old school Pentax SLR so since the film is still in my camera bag with the 4 other rolls of film I need to develop I'm only posting the ones I took with my cell phone.


The drive through Provo Canyon was breathtaking, and healing. I am amazed at Heavenly Fathers creations...what He has in trusted us with...to take care of, to love, to appreciate, and to cultivate...this thought also reminds me of the nieces and nephews I've been blessed to have in my life. They are so precious and beautiful, unique and special..they have been the source of so much joy in my life and I have been so fortunate to be touched by the hope I see in their countenances. They are meant to do great things...I know this in my heart and I am in awe of all they can accomplish if they are given the chance and the tools to reach their potential. I pray they my grow strong, steadfast and immovable despite the trials and storms that they will encounter in this life...I know the Lord has them in His hands and will continue to lead and protect them. I love them all beyond measure and will do anything I can to be there for them whenever they need me.

I found a poem years ago when I was going through a difficult time that came into my mind as I was driving through the canyon..thought I'd share...

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

MY NEICE BRIANNA FIDOW



ONE MY FAVORITE PICTURES OF VICKY AND IREE



MAHEA & MOKU STONE



EZRA, VICKY, AND ALVIN @ TEMPLE SQUARE



TAUTE & KUSO

Happy Birthday Tai!!

In a half hour it will be my little sisters birthday, and since I can't sleep I thought I would write about her. She was born Fa'afetai Makanani Ativalu...but we just call her Tai. Even though we are 9 years a part in age we are very close. Tai reminds me of my mom. My mom was beautiful,fiercly loving and affectionate,but at the same time... you did not want to get on her bad side. Everyone that meets me and my sisters always say Tai must be the nice one....they obviously have been blessed to stay on her good side :) No actually Tai is very nice, but she is also very protective of those she loves. She is one of my very favorite people. Let me tell you a typical Tai experience. One night at about 1:00 in the morning Tai comes to me and wakes me up and says, "Hey Sue you know that Seinfeld episode where they are talking about the muffin tops..well THEY ARE the best part!". Now I thought this was strange but I went back to sleep. Then I wake up in the morning to my older sister screaming.."WHO THE HELL ATE ALL THE TOPS OF MY MUFFINS!!!" Apparently she had bought 6 big muffins and all the tops were missing. Of course Tai was long gone, and at school by the time my sister found out. :) Tai loves the history channel and math...and has gone back to school to get her degree in Math education. I miss talking with her. Like most of my siblings I can talk to Tai about anything and everything. From local news, to spiritual matters, to politics, to some weird information she got off the history channel. Tai has this laugh that can make you cry...meaning if you do something that she thinks is funny, she will laugh so hard until you want to slap her ..no joke. I was so happy that Tai found someone that could appreciate all of her...all her quirkiness, humor, thoughts, and feelings. Allen and her totally match :) ...They laugh constantly and have a really strong friendship as well as relationship. I love my sister and wish I could be there with her on her day..like I said before she is one of my favorite people and I am so thankful that I am her sister. Love you Tai!

a restless night....

You were in my dreams last night. I couldn't sleep again. I probably slept a total of 2 hours ...but somewhere in that time...I was sitting with you and you were brushing my hair like you use to when I was little...and you were humming a song...that I can't recall...I felt so at peace..and safe..I miss you mom...more than my heart can express.

...Daring to be different..

What a boring beige world it would be if we all stayed within the lines and were carbon copies of eachother.

So today a friend of mine made a comment to me....now I don't remember his exact words... but it had something to do with me trying to be different or trying to always do things my way....or something to that affect...now as always this got me to look inward and reflect upon the way I am and the way I act. Do I try to be different? Do I try and do things my way? and Is that a bad thing? As I contemplate further I realize that for the most part I try to be true to myself and my feelings on things...if that is not "popular" or the "norm" then...who cares? I mean I know he didn't mean it in a bad way at all and I am almost certain that he was joking with me but...I am who I am...I try to be respectful of other peoples opinions and ways ...but at the end of the day I have to live in my skin and I have to be okay with the things I ultimately decide to do. If that in and of itself makes me different....then I'm good with being different. I don't intentionally try and do things differently from others...just to be different. (Because that would be lame!) I do things, or say things, or act a certain way because I totally feel in my heart that is the way I should do them..if I am wrong or if my actions hurt anyone....then believe me I will do anything and everything to rectify the situation.. but until then I'm going to continue to be me..and be okay with that.

...Driving to Draper

Yesterday I had a rough day at work. It wasn't anymore stressful then a regular day at detox except that I was training a new employee and dealing with other staff issues. Which isn't a big deal really. Know that I walked into my position with my eyes wide open and with it very clear what would be expected of me. So I have no problem with doing my job or the work involved in it. But yesterday as I was going through the day and dealing with staff and clients....I felt a weight added on to my shoulders. I think partly it had to do with the fact that it was the end of the week, also I didn't get much sleep the night prior...so by the time I was walking out the door I could feel the stress of the day on my shoulders. So I started driving out to Draper to go to my friend Beckys house for dinner ...now normally the drive south on the 15 kills me...the traffic sucks...and it takes forever but yesterday...I just took my time driving out there. I was blasting three songs, 0ne was "Authority Song" by Jimmy Eat World, "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups, and "Phantom Limb" by the Shins. Now I don't know exactly what those songs are talking about but for some reason...those were the three songs yesterday that slowly started to release the tension of the day for me.

The sun was in a position in the sky that I just thought was beautiful and slowly on my journey to Draper I was letting go of every conversation, every interaction, every stress, every concern that I had that day. The windows were down, my music was blasting, and I was driving....and all of that floated out of my mind and from my shoulders...and escaped on the winds.

Minor Set Backs and realizations

Okay so my last post was pretty heavy....I'm not taking it back or explaining it...It is what it is...It was exactly what I felt when I wrote it...we all have those days when we see ourselves distorted and in a negative light....I have this mirror in my office that we call either "the ugly mirrior" or "the fun house mirror" It distorts and doesn't give an accurate picture of what you look like...but I think sometimes I can view myself in that way. The important thing is how I handle those times....are there tears and negative thoughts?...Sure are...but after the 1/2 hour I give myself to wallow there...the realization is ..those times are just minor set backs...and it's ultimately time to get on with it.

So just this week Sui, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Nu'uali'itia Carolina Naeata. After Sui's check up the doctors decided to induce her due to complications with her birth. Sui being the stubborn person she is didn't tell anyone the seriousness of the situation. Fortunately baby's birth was quick and both mother and daughter are doing well. But times like this you just realize what is most important. There is nothing more important to me than my faith and family. It doesn't matter how nice your house is, what kind of car you drive, or how much you get paid. Without my faith and the people in my life who I love....everything else would feel empty. I mean don't get me wrong...a nice house, car, job etc. is always nice and is good to have and work towards....but those things are not lasting, they don't fill your heart, or make you laugh, they don't comfort you when you're sad, nor do they inspire you to do better. They are just things.


Those things cannot compare to, laughing with my sisters, hearing my dad tell a story about his childhood, being around my brothers, a minute with my mom, and singing with my nieces and nephews.

So hopefully the things I aspire to do and accomplish in this life will enhance or make it easier to create those lasting relationships with my family and loved ones.

Picture Perfect

I JUST WANT TO PREFACE THIS NEXT ENTRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS HARD TO WRITE BUT HARDER TO ACTUALLY RELEASE INTO CYBERLAND...EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY BLOGS HAVE BEEN FROM MY HEART...IT IS MY TRUTH....EXACTLY WHAT I AM FEELING AT THE TIME.

I saw a few pictures of me today...that I hated....I totally hated it. I look terrible and I kept thinking ..who is that? and what made me think I deserve to be with anyone looking like that? What in my mind said that you can deserve someone looking like that? Who would want to be with what is in that picture? What have you done to yourself?...and what are you doing to improve that?...Who would be attracted to that person?...and why have I not seen myself clearly all this time? Who would want to be with me?..... I hate what I look like. I hate it. Any self esteem I had this morning disintegrated in a matter of seconds. I know it ain't all about looks and that I am a good person with a winning personality...blah blah blah..but that doesn't help much when you feel like crap.
But you know what? I don't like whiners...they get on my last nerves. Actually no, correction they fricken jump on my last nerve....So I'm going to do the only thing I can....pray to love myself regardless of that picture...and get my arse to the gym. If I don't like something about myself ..then I need to change it...(Now If I can only find a hottie sheriff with his own cabin in the mountains like Jill Scott did in Why did I get married?:))

This initially was only for my brother to read....and then I thought..maybe someone can get something positive out of this. For me I have the power to change my situation..So I'm going to do it.

Liberty Park

I took the day off today. It's SOOO BEAUTIFUL today!!!.. and I'm just hanging in the park. Just wanted to share what I was looking at.

Road Rage on Bangerter...

I had mad road rage today....This IDIOT in a Dodge Dakota maroon truck was trying to weave in and out of traffic on Bangerter HWY. Now traffic was pretty much bumper to bumper and yet this BUTTHEAD was trying to inch his way into whatever lane seemed to be moving...which none were at the time...but did that stop him? NO...of course it didn't. I mean I could understand if he needed to make a turn and was trying to position himself to make the turn...but this was not the case he went back and forth all the way right then...went all the way left again..AND he almost hit me...So of course there was a lot of "WHAT THE HELL!!!??"'s being said...so I tried to get a look at him and he or she ...was wearing a halloween costume...yes folks thats right I said A FRICKEN HALLOWEEN COSTUME!!! Which pissed me off even more for some reason!! Man I hate stupid people... and I think I just discovered that I hate stupid people more when they are wearing a Halloween Costume.

...too many thoughts...

I WOULD LIKE TO PREFACE THIS NEXT ENTRY BY JUST SAYING THAT...THERE IS NO PLOT, LESSON OR DEEP MEANING BEHIND IT...IT IS WHAT IT IS..AND THERE ARE A LOT OF WORDS TO READ. A COWORKER TOLD ME MY BLOG HAD TOO MANY WORDS IN IT.. SO THOUGHT I'D WARN YA...BEWARE MANY WORDS BELOW! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

It is 3:50am and I can’t sleep. I tried to I swear…I finished my laundry and went to bed at about 12:30ish...but at 3:45 my mind is suddenly awake with a million and one thoughts…did I clean the lint off the lint trap thingy for the dryer, what was that strum that Kaui taught me to go with the song I am learning, which clients do I meet with first when I get to work, how is my dad doing, why isn’t the Gold’s gym in Sugar House open at 5 like the one in West Valley, how do I quit a job I just started yesterday, when am I going to finish my grad school application, where is the nearest library, I love Liberty Park, Is the song I’m learning for my friend appropriate...and the list goes on and on.

I started this job yesterday…it’s a part time job just something to help me save, possibly pay some bills. I’ve almost always had two jobs it seems…you would think I would’ve saved a lot...but that is not the case. Anyways so I’m sitting in the office getting trained by one of the nicest ladies, the work is easy enough and it would be just 3 hours a night. It would be perfect with my schedule at detox, yet I’m sitting there feeling claustrophobic. I usually feel like this when I've made a wrong choice or I feel like I have to speak up about something. So like I said I’m sitting in this office listening to her training which was nice and thorough. And all the while my heart is clenching inside until I make the decision that I would not be returning to this job. Immediately I feel better and I relax. Now my thoughts are how do I quit after working one day and not sound like a jerk when trying to explain myself? Good question I think. But no answer has come to mind as of yet.

My friend Aaron will be leaving soon to go to the military. Since I’ve been at my current job he has been such a great support and friend we’ve gotten closer the past few weeks because now I live down the street from him. I will miss him tons. He’s like a little big brother and a pit bull all rolled in one. He’s tough. He’s been through some crap and I really respect that. I’ve been trying to learn the song “In my life” by the Beatles on my ukulele to sing at his farewell party. I’ve always loved this song…but it sounds funeralish and that’s the last thing I want to think about with him going to the military.

The ukulele is a beautiful instrument. I know when people think of the Uke they hear that childish picking (which sounds totally cheesy) that they play on commercials when they are talking about Hawaii...but I’ve heard the ukulele played beautifully. I have a tenor concert uke which has a deeper sound and singing to it has become one of my favorite things to do…I’ve always loved singing. I don’t do it wonderfully like I would like to …but for the most part I think I’m able to stay on tune. I love singing in the car…which I do every time I’m in there. I have a wide range of music on cd…and am always looking to add to my collection. For me music heals. Music brings out what I feel in my heart …that I wouldn’t be able to explain with my own words. Being able to play the ukulele has given me the opportunity to sing outside of my car and not look like a crazy person... :)or maybe now I just look like a singing crazy person with a uke.

I have bills to pay and school to save for yet…I don’t want to get an extra job. I want to utilize my time after work to do the things I love to do. Hanging with friends, exploring Salt Lake, going to the gym (or walking down at the park…Did I mention I LOVE LIBERTY PARK!!!), learning how to play the ukulele, reading, going to the temple, etc. I feel a little selfish about that …but at the same time. I feel like its okay to take care of me for a little bit… I know it won‘t last forever …hopefully I’ll be going to school and everything will change…but for now I want to take this time for me.

Usually when I write in my blog I’ve learned some life lesson (it’s usually a repeat lesson because I don’t listen good the first time the Lord tries to teach me something). But I don’t think there is a lesson here…just my random thoughts that are crowding my mind and needed a release. It’s about 4:44am and my alarm is going to go off in about 15 minutes…finally my eyes are getting drowsy…so I’m going to try and crash for a minute. Goodnight /good morning…

worth the risk...

...I am uncomfortable with what's comfortable...no not really. Actually before I moved to Utah I was really comfortable with comfortable...there is no guessing involved ...you know what you are doing day in and day out...your comfortable with the people around you and you don't really care about adding to the mix... comfortable reminds me of my dad's recliner...comfy warm and safe. But there is no growth in whats comfortable...and staying safe and comfy in your comfort zone...means you possibly could be missing out on what's beyond...wonderful experiences, new people that can strengthen and inspire you, places you've never been before...essentially things that can alter your life and take it in a totally different direction.... Now on the flip side of that, putting yourself out there.... IS A HUGE RISK. Are you willing to risk possible failure, embarrassment, rejection, and shame? Now before I give you my thoughts on that question...let me tell you a little bit about Thomas Edison the inventor of the light bulb...it is said that he had 10,000 failures before he finally invented a working light bulb...other reports claim that it was 3,000, but regardless of the number...that much failure has to start to weigh heavy on you. I don't know how he did it...but he never gave up. I'm sure he was ridiculed, laughed at, and disheartened by everything..but somehow he worked through it, he persevered..He did it! Now back to the question at hand..am I willing to risk possible failure, embarrassment, rejection, and shame? If you asked me about an hour or so ago my answer though in the affirmative...would've been a little weak and teary. But that was an hour ago... It'll get stronger by the minute. As hard as some attempts to put yourself out there are...it is inevitably worth the risk...comfortable is claustrophobic to me...Don't worry y'all imma get mine,... no matter how many times I have to try. One down 9,999 more to go! :)

a lesson from my nieces...

I was talking to two of my nieces last night over the phone. Iree is 13 and Vicky is 8. They have a typical sibling relationship, they love each other one minute then annoy the heck out of each other the next. Last night when I was talking to Iree she was telling me about an argument that her and Vicky just had...it was the same argument I've been hearing from them since Vicky became old enough to help her sister with the chores...Iree needed help...and Vicky didn't want to help. So Iree proceeded to tell me the story..finally Vicky did get up to help her sister but Iree wasn't about to let her get away with all the back talk that apparently occurred... So Iree gave Vicky the silent treatment..which didn't sit well with Vicky so she started to apologize to Iree...which Iree was not having...In Iree's words this is what happened, "She kept saying sorry and I told her I was not ready to forgive her, then Vicky said "Come on Iree it's been 10 minutes can you just forgive me because I want to go watch my tv show" That had me laughing. So then Miss Vicky gets on the phone and proceeds to tell me her side of the story...but she doesn't try to defend herself...she admits to talking back and giving Iree a hard time...then she asked me a question in such a serious voice. She asked, "Aunty do you think I need to talk to somebody about my madness?" She was so sincere and seemed so earnest it just broke my heart so instead of giving her a hard time about talking back to Iree I told her that when she feels angry or "madness", instead of blurting something out that could hurt her sister she should first count to ten or sing a primary song in her head to calm herself down. She seemed excited to try it out and told me that she would keep me posted on how it helped her.

This talk got me thinking about my own ways of dealing with anger or being hurt....it's easy to lash out ..or lash back ..it's easy for the split second it takes to hurt someone, sometimes all it takes is a few words that could potentially ruin a friendship, or relationship. But was it worth it? Sometimes the situation isn't as it appears, or maybe we don't know the whole story or maybe you don't realize what the other person is going through at the time...and yet you lash out anyway..for me the guilt that comes afterward from hurting someone can last past any memory of the event....and in some instances no amount of "I'm sorry's" can erase the hurt and damage you have caused. I've learned this lesson the hard way in the past and I really try not to say or do anything that can hurt someones feelings even if at the time I feel they are deserving of it. I am so proud of my nieces for trying to learn this lesson early on in their lives.

...pushing pause

Yesaterday I went and took a session at the Bountiful temple. My cup was full and I was feeling drained....I have a lot going on this week and just needed to do something that would give me the energy I needed to face the rest of my week....So I went to Bountiful...this was my time to commune with the Lord...to re-evaluate, to re-energize, to re-fcous, to really think about choices that are coming up in the near future. It was my time to put my load at His feet and pray for direction and peace. I pray everyone takes that time for themselves...with whatever you believe... to push pause on the craziness of life....and take a minute to just be.

THE POLY MOVEMENT...

So a few weeks ago Omi asked what I thought the Poly movement meant to P.A.L.E (www.palefoundation.org). I gotta tell you initially I was at a loss, first off I just became a part of P.A.L.E so I'm not too sure I can speak for them but at the same time it really made me think. Here is the quote I gave her of what I think the "Poly Movement" is to me.

For me it's a move "UP". A move up from the negative media stereo type of our people. It's a move up from the limited mentality of what we can do, accomplish, and be. It's a move up from the couch :) so many of our people on public assistance although they are more than capable of holding a job. A move up from thinking that furthuring your education is a waste of time...and that our kids should just go to work after high school...Also I hope it's a move "CLOSER" to what all poly cultures have always had in common but has been lost in the recent years....respect, service, humility, perseverance, hard work and a love of God and family.

In Hawaii I didn't really feel a "poly movement" I mean don't get me wrong there was always the sovereignty issues that were in the news, but nothing that I felt connected to me fully. Coming to Utah has really made me redefine what I think about being polynesian in America. I am a minority. I've never felt that way anywhere I have lived before. It has made me sit up and take notice of the issues polynesians and primarily our polynesian youth are facing here. What are our struggles as a people? What are we doing to contribute to the stereotypical view of how people see polynesians? How can we help our children to dream beyond the barriers of their current situation? How can we teach our children to keep the very best things about our cultural while also striving and succeeding in America? How can we re-introduce the core teachings of every polynesian culture to a youth that feels no connection to the islands except for sitting around a bucket of kava? I don't know the answers to all these questions....but the questions are being asked and more people are getting involved with finding the answers. But maybe the most important question is "What am I doing to help?"

mind scabies

beaten down today,
flaws magnified,
can't get it right,
can't measure up,
tired of measuring.
uncomfortable in my skin,
not smart enough,
not being an example,
struggled in school,
how will I finish,
money problems,
letting my dad down,
can't take care of him,
isolated,
fraud,
not helping anyone,
beaten to the ground,
beaten to the ground,
beaten to the ground,
CAN'T GIVE UP,
WON'T GIVE UP,
WON'T STAY DOWN.

YOU CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN!
NOT SCARED OF THE DARK,
NO MATTER HOW DIM MY LIGHT MAY BE RIGHT NOW,
I WILL SUCCEED!
I WILL TRIUMPH!
I WILL CONQUER!
MY GUIDE WILL GET ME THROUGH,
MY GUIDE HAS LIT THE WAY,
TRUST...I WILL MAKE IT.

...update

So it has been quite awhile since I put my thoughts on ...line :) A lot has happened since I last posted. Gained some friends, lost some friends, gained perspective, lost perspective, loss some weight, gained it back :), decided the kinds of things I didn't need in my life, and realized yet again what the most important things in my life are.

So hmmmm what to write about first..."Gained some friends and lost some friends" well I've always felt that you'll be able to count on one hand the friends that you'll =be able to count on. The ones that'll be there for you and know you enough to cut through your bullcrap to get to what you really mean or really need. The ones who need no convincing when it comes to the kind of person you are. Well unfortunately alot of my really close friends do not reside in this state...so I thought to myself...it's time to branch out, and make new friends...I found a couple that I thought were promising new friends...but I definitely think some people come into your life just to teach a lesson...and then they bounce right out...that's how it was with these friends. They taught me a lot of things but probably one of the most important things I re-learned was the kind of people I want...and don't want in my life. They made me grateful for the people in my life who are honest, straight up, and genuine.
I'm still open to meeting new people and gaining new friendships..I definitely love meeting new people...but believe me I'll be more cautious from here on out.

Now the whole "perspective" thing...well my whole reason to come to Utah was for grad school. I've been here for a year and a half and was seriously trying to figure out why I'm still here...I couldn't figure out what to go into, I've been having doubts about being able to go to school and work full time, I've also just been doubting whether it is worth it.. Can I be happy with where I am at right now?. As all of these things were running through my head... I realised that what I have right now is not enough....and to be able to progress and become a better case manager, couselor, or whatever else I want to be...I need to go back to school. I have finally decided to go to school to get my MSW. I am really excited and feel more focused then I have been... I spoke to a co-worker of mine and just got really excited about the program. So cross your fingers, wish me luck, and send some prayers my way...I'll need as many as I can get.

Okay the "loss weight, gain weight" thing is....ummm self explanatory :) Now it's back on the wagon again...and hopefully I can get myself back on a routine. I really want to go hiking..I'm not a big fan of the treadmill....I can't tell you how many times I have fallen off of one. I like being outside...loved biking and going for walks outside. So I'm trying to get back on a schedule...and we'll see how it goes. I'm optimistic and feeling rather happy about it :)

Now the "most important things in my life". Well my faith and my family are the most important things to me. As for my faith...my testimony is still rock solid...but have I been doing everything I need to do to continue to nurture it?...the answer to that is no. I've been traveling a lot on the weekends and have missed more church then I care to admit. My prayers have been rushed and my scripture study has been...nonexistant as of late. I have been leaning on my own understanding for awhile...and believe me it has not served me well..I have been longing lately to go to the temple, but have felt unworthy to go because of all that I have not been doing....and yet the longing gets stronger and stronger each day. The blessing of the gospel is that the Lord meets us where we are at....and right now I'm pretty low....yet today my heart feels light and I feel that it's time to get things back in order. I love My Heavenly Father and the gospel and am thankful for yet another opprotunity to change my course.

My family...what can I say about them...I love them all. They inspire me and just thinking about them makes me want to be better and do better. I think about them especially when I want to throw in the towel out here..and it gives me the strength to try again. Thank you guys for your prayers on my behalf..I have needed every single one of them.

What do you see when you look at me?

Heve you looked out your window this morning? Well if you are living in Salt Lake or the surrounding areas...if you took the time to go outside...you'll see what I saw. A BEAUTIFUL DAY!! The sky is blue, the sun is out and it feels like Bay weather...nice and cool. I stood outside for a minute and an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude filled my heart. I thought about all my blessings..my faith, my family, my friends, my job, my health etc...I could supply you with a whole list if you have the time. I'm humbled that the Lord has blessed me so so so much...and don't get it twisted I don't attribute anything I have, anything I've been blessed with, any person that I have been blessed to have in my life to anything but the Lord. You know actually if someone who didn't know me looked at me....they actually might see the total opposite. They might see a 30+, single, woman with not many accomplishments in a job that might not pay much, with minimal education, whose come from a dysfunctional family..(wow that's a little depressing when you look at it like that lol)...But the point is I don't. I have been blessed with the most down to earth real family who keep me in line and love me despite how quirky and weird I can be. I am blessed with a job that gives me the opprotunity to work with people who need someone who can see some hope in any situation...which I really try to do...not only at work but in my personal life. I am blessed with friends new and old...who I know love me and who I know I can turn to if I ever needed anything. I have been blessed with a knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who loves me and who I know wants me to be happy...despite all the mistakes of my past, despite all my flaws, despite all my short comings. I know this is true for all of us. Feel loved today my beautiful friends and family. My heart is overflowing with love for all of you!!!

...stepping away..

This past week and a half has been difficult for me....but today for some reason I feel better. More optimistic with more hope that all will be okay. A friend of mine last week told me that I can't control what others do or their reaction to things...and for some reason it didn't click until now. I'm a fixer by nature...so sitting back and just letting things go has never been easy for me...I'm usually the kind of person that likes to put everything on the table so any misunderstandings can be squashed...but soemtimes the answer is to step away. I'm not a quitter so regardless of the situation especially if it has to do with people I care about I will fight to make things right...but...maybe that is not always the answer. So I'm going to take my friends advice...finally :) and take my cue from the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Maybe the "wisdom" part is finally kicking in. Maybe this is just one of those things that I cannot change...

...a blessing

I just came back from a baby's blessing. My friend Becky, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Kingston Peniamina Brown. I listened as his father gave him his very first blessing...his words were humble, sincere, and heartfelt. Then he bore his testimony about family and his love for his own and of course his love for the Lord. It was beautiful and touching. The unconditional love of parents to their children is pretty awe inspiring.

A little Calvin & Hobbes....

...sometimes it's better to not say anything...

Why do people try and give advice to people who are grieving someone who has passed? My friend and I were talking about this the other night. She tragically lost her brother to gang violence two years ago..I have also lost people that I love...and we both agree that people say the stupidest things to those that have lost someone they love. For instance my friend David...actually he is more like a brother to me...we've gone through many similar trials he's been there for me through a lot of difficult times. His beautiful sister Teena passed away in a car accident at the age of 24. Now I'm not going to fully go into his family history but biologically he was Teena's first cousin but they had grown up as brother and sister. Anyway, after she had passed someone made this comment to him. "Well she wasn't your real sister so..." I forgot the rest of the sentence or maybe when David told me he left that part out...my hope is that David cracked him before he finished his sentence..But can you believe that!?! When Kona passed away (refer to earlier blog if you don't know who Kona is)I was serving a mission in Chicago and one of the missionaries ...I suppose in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere said this " Gosh I wonder what he was thinking when he fell...he was probably like "whoooooah" Splat!" She said it with hand gestures and everything. She said this to me the day after he passed. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?

Granted I know it's hard when a friend or even a family member loses someone close to them...It's hard to know what to do or what to say. So let me give you the inside track on a couple things that you shouldn't do..

Don't say.."Don't cry you have to be strong for your family."
Are you freaken kidding me?! Here's my thought, crying over the death of someone you love is natural and also honors them. I mean not to get all scriptural but Jesus cried over Lazarus right before he raised him from the dead...now why would he do that? Well as our ultimate example maybe he's letting us know...it's okay to shed tears for those we love.

Don't....keep talking and saying things like.." They are in a better place.", " Well your a member...so that should give you comfort", and all that advice you think will help....Let me tell you right now.... all your words are falling on deaf ears.

Here's what you should do...Give them a hug, let them know you're there if they need anything....you can sit with them and let them talk about their loved one..or if you have stories about the loved one and your friend looks open to hearing them share those...but take your cue from them...also you should let them cry if they want...(whatever you do don't Shush them when they are crying...That's hella irritating!)...But other than that ...put your casserole, or jello, or whatever you brought by on the counter and shut your pie hole....okay I'm sorry that's a little mean...but pretty much true.

Nothing you could possibly say no matter how inspired you feel you are ...can help with the gaping hole that was ripped in their heart when their loved one died.

If you want to do something for them ...just be there...preferably with your mouth closed.

My Dad...

Yesterday I was out with a friend going to garage sales. We found one that looked pretty promising but we had her little daughter in the car with us so I told her to go ahead and I would sit in the car with baby. While I was sitting there I was listening to some music...the familiar voice of Luther Vandross filled the car as he sang about his father...and my thoughts were turned to my sisters wedding day when she danced with my dad...and I found myself getting pretty emotional. I cried for a minute then decided to call my dad who is living in Samoa. We talked breifly about how he was doing and I was updating him on what was going on with me...but for the most part I just sat there listening to his voice with a huge smile on my face. I can picture my dad sitting on one of the many chairs he has made.. surrounded by a house that he built(and continues to add on to)for his kids, with his silver hair, and his hands worn by hard work that he has done all his life. As many stages as I have gone through in my journey, my dad has gone through just as many as a father. Our relationship has grown tons and I am so thankful for him. We literally lived in a shack in Samoa, no walls just some poles a tin roof and a wood floor. I remember my dad told me one day that it doesn't matter where you live just as long as you take care of it. So everyday after working on the roads in Samoa for 8 to 10 hours (getting paid $3 an hour) my dad would come home and work on building us a house and fixing the area around our house/shack at the time...he would work until the sun went down then he would repeat the process the next day. All the while trying to keep food on the table with 5 mouths to feed not even counting his own. Was our situation ideal or was he perfect as a father...no of course not but the lesson he taught me about hard work and sacrifice are in grained in me and is something that I pray to teach to my own family one day. I love you Dad...with everything I have I love you.

Not sure what to call this one....

OK so last night I was really missing my neices and nephews in Vegas so I decided to give them a call....here's how the conversation went.

Alvin (5 years old): Hello?
Me: Hi Alvin it's Aunty Sue?
Alvin: Hi Aunty When are you coming? (Okay I'm a sucker this totally melts my heart)
Me: Hopefully soon, maybe next weekend. How is school goiong?
Alvin: It's good.
Me: Oh good, do you have a girlfriend yet? (jokingly)
Alvin: Yes.
Me: Yes, you have a girlfriend?! (tripping)
Alvin: Yeah, she doesn't do everything for me in school but she's nice?
Me: So she's your girlfriend?! What's her name?
Alvin: YES Aunty! She's Diana.
Me: Well you make sure you're nice to her. Don't hit her or make her cry.
Alvin: OKay Aunty Love you Ezra wants to talk to you.
Ezra: (9 yr old) Hi Aunty, I have shocking news to tell you.
Me: Oh yeah what is it? You don't have a girlfriend do you?(jokingly)
Ezra: No I have two.
Me: What!? What are their names? (tripping)
Ezra: Daniella and Michelle, They are very nice to me.
Me: What do you mean nice to you?
Ezra: They do nice things for me. (I'm thinking...."Hoochies, trying to get up on my nephew!" What!? so I'm a little protective...I mean I'm not an idiot ..I didn't say that out loud to him.)
Me: Well make sure you treat them nice...and you better be doing your own school work.
Ezra: Don't worry Aunty I'm doing good in school. When are you coming? (Awwww.. again with the heart melting....yeah so I have embraced my own suckeriness...it's my blog I can make up my own words)
Me: Hopefully soon.
Ezra: Ok Aunty here's Iree, Love you.
Iree:(13 year old) Hi Aunty what are you up to?
Me: I'm just driving down to Lehi, how are you?
Iree: I'm good.
Me: Did you know your brothers have girlfriends?
Iree: Ewww Aunty!
Me: I'm serious! You know what you have to do right?
Iree: Eww...like be grossed out?
Me: No you have to go and check out these girls to make sure they are nice. (I'm really thinking...interrogate them to make sure they aren't Hoochies)
Iree: Aunty don't worry I think they might be imaginary.
Me: Iree I do not think your brothers have imaginary girlfriends. So you better handle that.
Iree: Eww aunty...the boys having girlfriends? Eww!! Okay I guess I can handle it.
Me: Anyways how are you?
Iree: I'm miserable! I hate it here I want to go back home to Hawaii. (I'm thinking...yeah I'd like to go back home too.)
Me: I know it's hard right now but give it some time you just need to find good friends and get use to Vegas.
Iree: I don't have good friends Aunty. One of my friends was smoking weed. (ALARMS GOING OFF IN MY HEAD)

OKay so obviously my conversation with my neice was a lot longer..I had to give her the whole "Drug" lecture. And how bad drugs are etc. (She assured me that she thinks drugs are stupid.) And all the while I'm praying she will feel like that ALWAYS!!. Then I was just trying to reassure her, that somehow no matter how hard or difficult her situation is that she'll make it through this. She cried, (yes ..again my heart breaks because she's so hurt and I'm truly helpless to ease anything she's going through) She expressed to me how she hasn't found any good friends and how hard that is for her. I just listened to her (thinking to myself how have I always been blessed to have good people around me when my neice is struggling to find someone to connect with) I'm a fixer by nature...so seeing my neice or anyone struggle is hard ...especially when you want to just jump in and help and do anything you can do to ease their burden. But sometimes... maybe we just have to ride it out with them...and give them the opprotunity to vent about their situation without trying to fix everything...that's a lesson I'm still trying to learn.

So what is the morale of this blog....hmmm I think there might be a few...

1. Don't think you can date my nephews if you're a skank
2. I'm a sucker where my neices and nephews are concerned
3. DRUGS ARE BAD
4. Being helpless to do anything when someone you love or care about is in pain...SUCKS!!


Here are some pictures of my neices and nephews who live in Vegas:

EZRA & VICKY AT THE POINT



EZRA & ALVIN



ME, IREE & VICKS



KUSO & TAUTE

Friends.... Part 2

So if you haven't read my friends blog below...you might want to take a quick glance before you read this one....

So I am not recanting anything I wrote about what I think a good friend is BUT....I have come to the realization that if I am being a "TRUE FRIEND"....an Honest to goodness "True Friend" (mind you this is my definition...y'all can define it any other way you want)I would not expect the same in return. Reciprocity is a beautiful thing...but it's not that easy to come by. I mean I'm sure if you really think about it you can count on one hand your friends who by your standards are "true friends". But does that mean we should be less of a friend to those who don't find it a priority to see how you are doing, or are concerned with what you are going through. I don't know.... everyone will have to answer that on their own. I guess it's just whatever you are comfortable with, but for me it was an eye opening experience. My feeling is that we are here in this mess of a life to help one another out..to be there for eachother and to uplift one another. I think people come and go in our lives for a reason. A lesson for us to learn, an opprotunity to give help, a test in patience lol, to show us a better example...the list is endless...BUT.. My hope and my prayer this morning was to not put any expectations on any of my friends, but just to be there. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to my truest friends (you know who you are:)) who have stuck by me when I was not fit to be around. Thanks for your example and Love.

Fly Like A Bird...

Man today I woke up late...I've been staying in Lehi for the past few days. I'm house sitting for a friend of mine. Anyways while I was running around the house getting ready and trying to take care of the dogs...a whole "To Do" List was forming in my brain....
1. call the bank
2. pay one bill
3. put the other off til next week
(lol don't trip we all do it)
4. wash my car
5. get gas (for my car lol)
6. call my Dad
7. go to training at work...anyways you catch my drift. So while I was rushing about I didn't think about saying my morning prayer...I jumped into my car and started to find my way to the 15. As I was driving...as always I'm blasting my music. Then a song comes on ...Fly Like A bird by Mariah Carey..Here are the lyrics:


Weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning

Trust him.

Somehow I know that
There's a place up above
With no more hurt and struggling
Free of all atrocities and suffering
Because I feel the unconditional love
From one who cares enough for me
To erase all my burdens
And let me be free to

[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of you by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray you'll come and carry me home

Can we recover
Will the world ever be
A place of peace and harmony
With no war and with no brutality
If we loved each other
We would find victory
But in this harsh reality
Sometimes I'm so despondent
That I feel the need to

[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home

He says he will never forsake you
Or leave you alone
Trust him

[Choir enters]
I need You right here right now Lord
I need You right here by my side
(Keep your head up)
Keep your head to the sky
With God's love you'll survive
(With Gods love you'll survive)

Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now Lord (I need you now oh Lord)
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight (Please, don't You let the world, the world, the world break me tonight, tonight, tonight)
I need the strength of You by my side
(I pray, You're gonna take me home)



Of course I was singing at the top of my lungs lol (good thing I turned up the radio so loud I couldn't hear my own voice)...but anyways while I was singing ....this peace came over my heart...I just felt loved today...like He was mindful of me in my situation and in my struggles...even though I took no thought of Him this morning while I was rushing about my business. It made me think of a friend of mine...I recently heard part of his life story....and I was floored at the amount of trials he's been through ...and continues to go through....suffice it to say he's had it rough...yet, I met his family yesterday...his beautiful wife and his darling kids...and for me they glowed. I'm not sure if he sees that he is overcoming all the adversity he is facing...I think when we are in the situation we might not see things or ourselves as clearly... or we might not see that we are becoming stronger with every step we make in a forward direction...regardless of how small the step.

My philosophy on trials is...it's all relative to the person going through it. If there is one thing I can't stand it's when I hear people say "No one has gone through what I've been through" or "Please, that's nothing compared to what I've gone through". That's ignorant and irritating. Thinking about what my friend has gone through...I look at it and think I would've buckled under the pressure. But he's overcoming everyday. I hope he knows that.

Now going back to the song and my feeling today...I was half way through my journey on the 15...my eyes started to itch from allergies, I got a call from a collection agency (of course I said I wasn't home ...lol), and the "you need gas idiot" light went on....and yet I felt loved. My hope and prayer is that anyone going through the adversities of this life is feeling loved today...We'll get through it y'all. Especially if we reach out and help each other.

Friends....

I am not exactly sure why this is, but seriously all of my life I have been blessed to have great friends. What constitutes a great friend?....I'm sure the answer is different for everyone. For me a great friend....doesn't pull any punches....meaning when I'm acting stupid...they call me on it. When they feel strongly about something I'm doing or something I'm about to do they make sure they voice their opinion. They kick me in the butt...when I'm slacking...or just listen when I need to vent. They are my biggest supporters...but would also not hesitate to slap me in the head if that's what they feel I needed. On my blackest most darkest days...these friends have cried with me and prayed for me and were just there when I needed them. Without even having to be asked ...they are there with no thought about what they are giving or the time they are spending on me. I am not exactly sure why I've been so blessed but I am thankful for the examples that they have shown me....and I pray that I may be that type of friend to those around me to whoever I meet....because everyone deserves to have someone in their corner.

One good thing about music.....

One good thing about music....now if you're a Bob Marley fan you know how this ends. Music is powerful it has healing affects and can change how you feel in a matter of seconds. It can also trigger memories....some good, some bad, some happy, some painful....for me music has been my constant companion. I have turned to my favorite tracks when feeling happy, down, cold etc...for instance...on an especially cold, snowy Utah day when I was waiting for the bus and didn't get the forecast for the day. I was standing there wearing slippers, jeans, and a t-shirt. While everyone was in there parkas and had umbrellas...so I turned to my ipod and started to blast "Know That" by Next G and other island music and I immediately was passing the Koolau's on a sunny day. Now you never know what kind of music does it for different people. For instance I have a friend that LOVES..New Age music. NEW AGE MUSIC!!!!???? I was like...What the hell? When he started to play his "Celtic Woman" cds. But to each his own right? One day at work I was taking a clients vitals. He was an african american man who from all outward appearances looked pretty gangster. So I was in the middle of taking his blood pressure when he turned on his cd player. He had earphones on so I had to listen pretty closely to see what song he was listening to. I was so shocked to realize he was listening to David Archuleta. DAVID ARCHULETA from American Idol!!! He saw the look on my face and knew what shocked me. He started to laugh and then proceeded to tell me all about David Archuleta...it was a trip. But like I said you never know what music does it for people. I'm pretty eclectic in my music choices. I like some hip hop but after awhile it all sounds the same with the same message...either it's about money, or ho's, or money and ho's, or money and ho's who have big booty's or other big anatomy. So yeah...it gets old after a minute. I like a lot of alternative..I haven't jumped on the country train yet...there are a few songs I like but I can't really handle a lot of the majorly twangy stuff. I love oldies...There ain't nothing like blastin "I do Love you" by GQ or "I destroyed" by Terry Huff and Special Delivery while driving home. Or even putting on a little Marvin Gaye singing "Got to Give It up". I do like songs with a message like "Wonderful" by Everclear, "As Time Goes On" by Sean Paul, or "Africa Unite" by Bob Marley..but I also like songs that can hook you in by the beat...like "Doo Wah Ditty" by Zapp. So knowing all of this you can imagine when I'm listening to the radio I say "Dang that's my jam!" A LOT.

I like a ton of different songs but here are just a few of my favorites:

Alternative:
1. Amber - 311
2. Santeria - Sublime
3. Most No Doubt songs
4. Look After You - The Fray
5. Adele's Album 19

Reggae:
1. Stand Alone - Bob Marley (actually most Bob Songs)
2. Zimbabwe
3, Rastaman Chant
4. Kaya
5. Rollerskates- Steel Pulse
6. Lovers In A dangerous Time - Lucky Dube
7. Perfect Peace - Toots & the Maytals
8. Rock Steady - Small Axe

Rock:
1. Last Resort - Papa Roach
2. Alive - POD
3. One Last Breath - Creed
4. Breed - Nirvana (thanks to Guitar Hero :))
5. I Remember You - Skid Row

Gospel:
1. He Still Loves Me - Fighting Temptations
2. Change is Coming - Sounds of Blackness
3. Step Aside - Yolanda Adams
4. Just One Afternoon - Ma-V-Elle
5. Fly Like A Bird - Mariah Carey

R&B
1. Whenever Whereever Whatever - Maxwell
2. No More Rain - Angie Stone
3. Tell Him - Lauryn Hill
4. Change is Gonna Come - Lauryn Hill and Wyclef
5. Once in a Lifetime - Beyonce

and the List goes on....

My Mom...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and guess who is on my mind.....yup my Mom! If I had to describe my mom in a few words I would start with Beautiful, Fiesty, Strong, Loving...well "loving" might not be a strong enough word...Maybe "Fiercely Loving" especially to her children. She did everything for her children..and tried her best to do everything she could to take care of her family. Unfortunately at the young age of 49 Cancer took her life. My mom also had mental issues that plagued her from 1983 to the time of her passing. When I think of my mom I can't help but feel guilt...for not being a better daughter, for letting her down, and for not being there for her when I could have been. I was too caught up at the time in my own life and what I was doing, that I didn't take the time to write her or call her or just be with her in the last few days of her life. At the time no one really close to me had passed away....so I almost had this "it couldn't possibly happen to me" feeling. I remember when I heard my mom had cancer I just thought..."well it's in the early stages, I'm sure she'll be okay". My mom passed away 2 months after her diagnosis. You know I hear people say, "I have no regretts" or "You shouldn't have any regretts because those decisions helped you become the person you are today"...I think that's BULLCRAP! I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't take the first flight out as soon as I heard she was sick, I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't write her more, I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't tell her enough times that I love her. I will regrett for as long as I live that I didn't grab a hold of every moment I could, to be with her. So in my prayers every so often I speak to her....I apologize to her on my knees until all my tears are gone..and I see her beautiful face. Smiling...Beautiful... Whole...Well....without the cares of the world that were already on her shoulders, without illness, without pain...and I know that she hears me.

It is better to have loved and lost...

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Tennyson

On May 4th marked the anniversary of Kona's death. Vaikona Liufau Tuifua died at the age of 20. He was in the Missionary Training Center at the time. Him and two other missionaries decided to climb Rock Canyon (Behind the Provo Temple). From what his companion told me after it happened...they were about half way up (400 ft)and Kona was getting tired. So they rested on a ledge for a bit. Kona(being from Hawaii)wasn't use to the altitude and so he decided to not go any furthur. His companion and the other missionary decided to go the rest of the way but told Kona not to go down by himself but to wait for them. The last time they saw him he was taking pictures close to the end of the ledge. When they reached the top they heard sirens coming near the mountains. They were worried and started to climb down when they heard their names being called over a loud speaker. When they reached the bottom they were told that Kona had fallen. Another missionary that was close to the bottom had seen someone fall and hit the canyon floor then went to get help. Kona died instantly.

We had been dating for about a year, we had our ups and downs but I loved him very much and we had decided that we would be married when we got back from our missions. Unfortunately things don't always work out the way we plan. I was in Chicago, Illinois at the time serving a mission. That whole day I was pretty meloncholy without knowing why. We had some kind of dinner at the chaple that night where alot of the other missionaries would be at. I always loved these events because we got to see how everyone was doing. But that night inparticular I remember my heart being heavy. All the other missionaries were talking and laughing, but I couldn't be around them. So I walked into the chapel. All the lights were off except for a spot light on the piano. I walked over there and sat on the bench and flipped to some of my favorite songs "Where Can I turn for Peace?", "Abide With Me tis even' tide", and "I need the every hour"...and I sang them.... every word, every line, every verse...and my heart got lighter for a minute...and I knew though I wasn't sure why I was feeling down but I knew things would be okay.

When we got home we usually would be asleep by 930pm....but for some reason we all stayed up. We lived in this roach infested ghetto apartment on the West Side of the city. It was one room but 3 sets of missionaries lived there. It was about 11:30pm when the phone rang. I answered the phone and I heard a familiar voice. It was Nuku one of Konas best friends who was in Hawaii. I was so excited to hear his voice that I didn't realize he was crying. Finally he gave the phone to his sister Pua and she said, "I have to give you some bad news, Kona died today" She proceeded to try and tell me what had happened ...but I don't even remember how I got off the phone with her. I don't know how to describe that kind of pain...It was a physical pain...it was a void in my heart...I was empty. Our future was entwined...and imagining my life without him...was inconceivable at the time. Thinking about never being able to talk to him or hear his laugh destroyed me for a bit...but my mind kept going back to when I was sitting in the chaple singing...and the feeling that things would be okay.

Losing someone you love is probably one of the hardest things we will go through in this life...but I know the Lord is mindful of me and has me in His hands. I can now talk about him with a smile on my face...and think about the fun times that we had with a happy heart. I have dreams of him sometimes....most of the time it makes me happy to feel that he is looking in on me. It's been quite a few years since he has passed and I am still grateful everyday that I was blessed for the time we had together. I still haven't found anyone else yet....but I will forever be grateful for the chance that I had to love him.