...blank pages...

I walked all over the city of San Francisco yesterday. Well maybe not all over...but a fair amount of downtown SF. It was overcast all day but it was nice...I find that I am more present when the weather is bad...then when it is sunny and beautiful. Probably because when the sun is out and the sky is blue...my thoughts turn to other locations and times I've been in. So yesterday I was keenly aware of my surroundings and the strangers that inhabited my space.

I like meeting new people. Everyone has a story and I think it's pretty facinating to hear others experiences and what they have done with their lot in life.

Most peoples stories are a mix of many different kinds of experiences, some are sad, humourous, exciting, boring..or even dramatic. I was walking by all these people milling around the streets of San Francisco wondering how their experience has been thus far..how they feel about their journey....and their quality of life. Would they change things?...or do they feel it's too late. Then of course my thoughts turned to my own jouney.

As far as stories go...mine has been interesting. There have been some twists and turns...blessing beyond measure, heart breaks and triumphs...but that is my past..those experiences can never be changed...So the question of the hour is,

"What will I choose to be written on the blank pages ahead of me?"

Found the Ocean in Utah...

I was in American Fork Canyon today..driving through Alpine Loop. I couldn't stay in the city any longer..I was feeling claustrophobic. It felt like my heart was being constricted..and nothing I did was relieving the pressure. So I went to see a good friend..then I went on my drive. When I use to feel this way in Hawaii..I would go to the beach and I always felt peace. Especially if it was early in the morning when the water is glassy and no one was there...just me and the ocean.

Didn't think I would ever find that in Utah...but I definitely found it today. I didn't even have my radio on...it was just me and the beautiful mountains. I felt all the tension leave my heart...I didn't even want to leave. These pictures don't do the canyon justice...the entire area is breathtaking. I am so thankful for the beauty of Heavenly Fathers creations and for helping me find the peace that I needed today..

Juggling Act...

Some people make juggling a million things look so easy...HOW DO THEY DO THAT!!?? Lately I've felt like the picture that is on this post...but I like the challenge of pushing myself to perform. The thing that is different from my previous juggling act...is my own well being, happiness and health is a main plate. In the past...if it was even one of the plates it would be a less important one. Not so any longer...balance can be a tricky thing...but I'm slowly working it out.

I am a hypocrite.....

So just recently I was talking to a friend about me moving...he says I have a difficult time asking for help...this is true. So anyways he gave me a hard time about it so I txt him about helping me. I got no response but that is not really a surprise...this friend doesn't seem to txt much...at least not as much as me. So the next time I saw him I said "So did you get my txt about helping me move?" He said he did and asked a couple of questions why I was leaving my place...and then a little bit after said. "I'm sure a lot of guys in the ward would help you move".

So this statement to any normal person wouldn't really mean much. I'm sure most people wouldn't even think twice about this; my brain works a little differently...because what I heard was "I'm sure other people would be willing to help you because I really don't want to".

(Again please note that...I have a difficult time asking for help)

So most of the time if I am asking for something for myself...I'll probably apologize a million times..then ask only once. If I feel there was any reluctance...whether in the tone of your voice or a facial expression that passes your face even for a brief second...I will find some other way to get whatever I need... done. Regardless of whether you have committed to help me or not. I just feel a lot of shame when I assume that I have put someone out.

So for instance my friend who said he would help me, would have probably heard one of these two excuses before moving day
1 "Hey so I got a bunch of people to come and help so you don't need to worry but thanks so much for being willing"
2."I was able to move in sooner so I got some friends to help with the move so you don't have to worry about it"

yeah I know it's dishonest and I really try not to go there...but I think sometimes my shame outweighs my judgement...Fortunately for me he asked me again about moving and asked why I didn't tell him. So I decided to just tell him that he seemed reluctant..he told me the only reluctance was in my head :) Which though hard to hear ....I knew was true.

So it is now 8:40pm and I need help. I forgot I needed to purchase a bed before my move and have not had time to do it. So I finally find one but I would need to get it tonight at 10:00pm in West Valley. I have been feeling sick all day. I am congested, feel achy, and have a really bad headache... I know I need help. So I'm looking at contacts on my phone as to who I can call at this time to help me haul a bed to my place, and I just can't bring myself to inconvenience anyone. I would have been pissed if one of my friends or family didn't ask for my help when they needed something...but here I sit...looking at my phone knowing I won't call anyone...and now trying to figure out where to get some rope so I can go get my bed.

Song of the Heart...

A friend of mine from work gave me a voice lesson today. She has to do it for a class and she picked me!! I was really embarrassed and nervous.

I love singing, but my range is super low and I just get so self conscious. The only time I don't get nervous singing is when I'm singing hymns in church. When I'm singing church songs ..especially in sacrament... it's like no one else is there but me and the Lord. When I'm singing in church hitting the notes is great...but what I am really focusing on is feeling the words in my heart. Though the hymns have been sung time and time again by hundreds of people...the words become very personal for me...every note that comes out of my mouth carries with it a piece of my heart..my pleadings with the Lord...my troubles..my triumphs and successes..my hopes.

Now that doesn't always mean I sing on key...you can just ask the people that sit next to me:)...but I'm sure the Lord hears my heart instead of my tone deafness :)

Anyways, I am excited to be doing these voice lessons...like I said I was really nervous, but my friend Madelyn is not only encouraging she's also a beautiful singer and really patient. Although she might be a little mean...she made me dance around the room while trying to sing like Julie Andrews on the Sound of Music. She asked what I want to get out of these lessons...I really had to think about it but if I am being totally honest...I just want to be able to convey my feelings... my testimony confidently through music. Madelyn really does have her work cut for her :)

Disconnecting....

There is something refreshing about going away and unplugging...from your everyday life...of work, responsibilities and obligations..and just being in the moment. I just got back from Goblin Valley State Park. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!! It really was like being a kid again..we spent most of the day climbing on weird rock formations and exploring. I know that must sound incredibly boring to some but I had such a great time. I was a little reluctant about going because of the fact that we would be camping overnight. Ever since I left Samoa I said I would NEVER EVER EVER on my own accord go camping, but it was SO MUCH FUN!! We roasted hot dogs and I had my very first S'more or is it shmore..whatever..the graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate thing and it was WONDERFUL!!! We played...laughed a lot...talked..ate..took pictures ..and just hung out. There was no cell phone reception in the area, which actually was a good thing. Sometimes u just want to disconnect and go somewhere to clear ur head and to just be... present. It was nice to see families out enjoying the park. In the morning when we were breaking camp these 4 little boys were playing tag on the mountain. It was nice to see kids having fun without being totally focused on their ipod, or nintendo DS, or attached to a cell phone. They were playing tag...not as a app on their iphone..or on the wii...but they were playing real honest to goodness old fashion tag.

It really was an amazing trip...I can't wait to go again!!!

...CHOICE...

Last year I was the heaviest I have ever been.. I have pictures that I can barely look at..I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin...a prison of my own making..the despair that comes when you, for the moment, don't see a way out..is depressing and soul destroying. There are tons of excuses I can use to rationalize letting myself go...we can talk about my ancestry ...my dysfunctional family experiences...my past issues...my loss...my big bones :)..but what it comes down to is ...my choice. So I spent many a year thinking about changing, trying and failing to change, and digging my way through a bucket of vanilla ice cream and a bag of Cheetos before I start "tomorrow". My yesterday is hard to revisit...but the memory of feeling so defeated is clear and is easy to recall...but today I choose to see the little successes that I am making...I choose to see myself clearer...I am beautiful..I am worthy...I am enough...I am intelligent. My past is my past...Every choice I make today will decide my future.

And I choose to have a happy future.

I am now healthier than I have been in a while..but more so I am just happy to be me. I am blessed with wonderful friends, I still have my dysfunctionally wonderful family and they love me and my quirkiness, I have a wonderful job, and a faith that strengthens and uplifts me everyday. I am not my weight..the number on the scale does not define the person that I am...it is just a part of me ...a very small part.

Random weirdness...

I've felt very weird and anxious the past 3 days. It wasn't a bad anxious feeling...it was a nervous anxious feeling...sort of like when you know you have to give a presentation in front of a grip of people and your palms get sweaty and you feel like you're going to toss your cookies. Yup that's exactly how I was feeling. It started later Friday night and then came in waves all weekend. No I'm not sick...and if you know me at all you wouldn't even ask me about being pregnant, also there is nothing that I am really worried about at this time. It came on and off today a little bit but not as strong...A friend of mine told me that I should assume that something good is going to happen. Like maybe something life changing is on the verge of occurring. I don't know...

On a totally different topic...I realized that I am deathly afraid of squirrels.

I was at Liberty Park Sunday morning writing in my journal and reading and this squirrel was on the tree in front of me...and it moved like it was tweekin'. I kid you not..IT FREAKED ME OUT...and then IT STARED STRAIGHT AT ME!!!!...with it's little beady freaky eyes and then came towards me. IT CAME RIGHT AT ME!!!! LIKE IT WAS COMING FOR ME SPECIFICALLY!!!!!!I've never booked it so fast out of that park. The end.

..Got some learnin' to do...

I have always loved school. My favorite subjects in school were english, speech, literature, social studies, creative writing and photography. I also read a lot. Reading was an escape for me. A time to be in a different world away from where ever I was at the time...My grades rarely reflected all the knowledge I was gaining. If you went off just grades...I would have to admit that I was a pretty mediocre student. I didn't mean to be..I tried hard in my classes..but I was easily distracted and bored in a traditional lecture setting. At the time it wasn't such a big deal to me because I got through middle school and high school. I had to appeal to get into BYU Hawaii because my GPA was low but I got in. Unfortunately the same struggles I had previously, followed me into college. I was easily distracted and did not do well when my exams were in the testing center...but I got through it. Again, No big deal right? WRONG!!!! Last year I had tried to get into grad school at the University of Utah.

I didn't get in. I was devastated. My main reason for moving to Utah was to go to grad school.

So I went up to the U to speak to someone on the admissions board. I wanted to know why I didn't get in so that I could reapply this year...she told me my application was "impressive", my references and essays were "fabulous"...they just needed to be longer..but other than that my application was great...so what was the problem?

My GPA was a 2.95 and they needed it to be a 3.0. That killed me...I was a half a point off???!!!! Frustrated but not defeated I asked for advice on what to do. Her suggestion was to take a standardized test, beef up my essays then resubmit my application. So I decided to take the Millers Analogy Test (MAT)...so here is an example of one of the questions..

1. Hobbes : Locke :: Byron : (a. Shelley, b. Picasso, c. Mantle, d. Bach)

So the point is to find how all the words relate and then to see which word would best fit into the relationship. (yup even as I typed that last sentence all I heard was "blah blah blah") :)



So I am going to take the test the first week in October. This will give me some time to study and to make sure my essays are on point, before I submit my application again.

MY GPA DOES NOT DEFINE MY INTELLIGENCE

But the score on this test is the deciding factor on whether I get into the U. I need to do well if I'm going to get in....and I NEED to get into grad school. WHY??? Because I believe It will help provide and teach me the skills, techniques and knowledge I need to be the best counselor/ social worker/ program manager etc.,that I can be and......I want to be the best. My clients and staff deserve the best from me and I can't settle for being mediocre in a job that I love.

So it's crunch time...I'm excited about learning and getting pushed outside of my comfort zone....It's definitely not going to be easy. I know I have certain difficulties that I'll need to overcome. I also have some challenges in regards to my memorization and also my attention span really needs to improve, but I know I can do this! I bought 2 dictionaries, 1 vocabulary builder and I'm working on my flash cards...yup folks...I said Flash Cards :)Wish me luck!!!

Unspoken Words.....take 2

Got news yesterday that someone I knew passed away.....

Life is short if you really think about it in terms of eternity. We have this little bit of time to live, love, and learn how to find true happiness.

And since my time is so limited am I handling situations that come up in the right way? For instance would I be so quick to spend so much time on petty stuff...like minor disagreements, or if someone offended me or hurt me in anyway would I concentrate so much energy on being upset and retaliating..or would I be more apt to let things go or try and resolve things quicker instead of letting all of those hurt feeling fester and increase.

Also I've asked this in one of my other blogs....but why do I hold back? Why don't I say "sorry" sooner when I am in the wrong? I've seen that simple phrase begin the healing process of years of past hurt...So why is it so hard to say?...And if I feel I am "in the right"...do I just wait on the other person to say sorry?...Or can I find a way to at least start a dialog...so I don't lose weeks, or months, or even years with those that I love? Also Why don't I give compliments more freely to those around me when it pop into my head? Do I say "I care" or "I love you" to those that I have those feelings for?

So one thought is that pride might be one reason...or maybe shame...or maybe I am afraid of looking foolish...or maybe I don't want to acknowledge that I might be wrong. Looking inward to see my part in a bad situation is not an easy thing. Sometimes I might feel it is easier to not deal with things that have hurt me..or maybe times when I have hurt others or even neglected to express my feelings. But is that easier really?

I have regrets that I live with daily....

I would give anything for a few minutes with my mom...just to make sure she knew that I loved her, how deeply sorry I am that I didn't write her more and how I wish I went to see her when she was sick.

I would give anything to go back in time to write a letter to my cousin who wrote me before her passing to let her know I got her letter, and that I love her, and that life gets better.

I would let my cousin Luis know how I looked up to him growing up and how great he was at trying to bring the family closer together.

I would let my client know that he did make so much progress from the first time he entered the doors, how much hope I see in him, and to never give up.

Those are just wishes...after thoughts..and "should haves"...but what I can do right now is try my hardest to say sorry sooner, genuinely compliment others, forgive quicker and tell the people that mean the most to me just how much I love them. DEFINTIELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE...but possible.

...Through the eyes of a child...

...So last week I sat in a class where they talked about what a child feels or sees going through the social services system and it took me back to my own feelings of being a child in an unstable family situation. I love my parents. They did the very best by us kids with what they knew. Though I will touch on a few of my own experiences I don't want to get too deep into their history right now...at least not at this time. But what I will say is they probably stayed together longer than they should have. I know they loved each other at different times in their marriage and their love for us kids was evident to me. But towards the end ...they were together probably just for us kids.

Before my mom got sick they would fight all the time. Its a sad but perhaps common story...that was probably duplicated many times, in different homes on our block, in our neighborhood, and throughout our community.

I remember staying up late at night just waiting to hear my dads car pull up in front of our apartment. Just to make sure he came back...and seeing my mom cook and clean and take care of us kids all day ...then stay up late playing solitaire all night in the kitchen while listening to Elvis or Conway Twitty and smoking her Benson and Hedges. In retrospect I wonder if my mom was waiting for him too. I have written much about my mom in my blogs...she was strong and loving and sacrificed so much for her family...but I know she loved my dad so much and did everything she could to try and salvage their relationship.

At one point I remember they had been fighting/arguing and my mom decided to stay at my uncles house a couple of blocks from our apartment. So she would be at home with all of us until my dad got home at night, then she would leave and he would watch us. I remember one night in particular. My mom had asked all of us kids if we wanted to go with her to spend the night at my uncles. Nobody wanted to go... I didn't really want to either but I didn't want her to feel that we didn't want to be with her...or that we were choosing my dad over her. I must have been 7 or 8 at the time.

So when my dad came home I waited until he was in the kitchen to walk out of the apartment. I didn't want him to see me, because I didn't want him to think badly of me or that I was choosing sides. So I waited in the car for my mom. When she finally came down she opened up the glove compartment where she pulled out some diapers for my baby brother and told me to go back upstairs to give them to my dad. I panicked...I didn't want to go back up there and see my dad...but you do not talk back to your parents in a Polynesian household. So I went back up to the apartment and knocked on the door ..my dad answered the door, but it looked like he thought I was staying and he began walking away...I stopped him and told him I just came to bring the diapers up and that I was going with my mom...now looking back he might not have even been bothered that I decided to go with my mom....but in the version in my head and what I remember..my dad didn't say anything but I will never forget the hurt expression he had on his face before walking away to go back in the kitchen. My dads expression is still seared in my memories.

That hurts my heart to think of that now...I remember deciding that night as I was lying down in my uncles house that in order for both of my parents to know that I love them and that I am not choosing sides I am going to love my mom one week, then love my dad the next week. I would just go back and forth, ...that way I'm not choosing sides and I show them that I love them equally. As I look back now I wonder how I came up with my plan? ...Or why did my 8 year old brain feel that would work?

Probably not the best idea I have come up with...but as a child you do what you can with what limited knowledge you do have. Children are resilient and they are smarter and are more observant than people give them credit for. If there is fighting, arguing, or even a change in the love you have for each other as a couple...kids know...then they try to make sense of it...and see if there is anyway they can fix things.

Why am I writing this???...probably to purge some of these old memories...but also to put it out there in hopes that it does some kind of good for someone else.

Thinking of my childhood makes me want to do so much for my future family, for my nieces and nephews and for any child I will be blessed to cross paths with. As hard as some of the things were that I went through as a child...if it at all assists me in helping a child now...it would have all been worth it.

I know some who read this might feel some sort of pity for me...Please do not for one minute feel sorry for me...I have said it before and I still feel just as strongly about this right now...my life...is bunch of miracles strung together by a few difficult times and opportunities to grow. I truly am so very blessed. I am who I am because of the experiences I have gone through. These have been my greatest teachers.

To close this monster long novel of a blog I just want to end with a quote by one of my favorite Presidents of the church...

Howard W. Hunter gave this counsel to husbands that also applies to wives: "One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

Ready?...Get set!!!!!...Goals!!

SUGAR HOUSE PARK

So for the last little bit I have been walking out at Sugar House Park. It has not been easy but it's essential if I am to reach some health goals that I have made. I really don't like running...but I desire to LOVE IT!! I dread it...I can barely do it...and right now if I am thinking about it ...I get tired already. However, I really want to lean how to love it. You know how there are those people that say weird stuff like...

"I love running!! I love to feel the burn!! or I cannot miss my run today!!"

Yeah...well I would like to be weird like that.

So I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and she says "You need to set a goal...and do it"....mainly because if I just say eventually I will...I most likely will never get around to doing it. So after much reflection and thought we made the decision that in 6 weeks I would be able to run all the way around Sugarhouse Park. Now that might be small kine to everyone else....but for me ...it's huge. So the date is set for the 27Th of July. I'm excited yet still feel that dread that comes when I start to put on my shoes to go out there...but I figure in time i will get use to it...and hopefully one day even look forward to it.

So that is the short term goal. The long term goal is next year I want to organize a 5k run/walk/bike/skateboard etc to end homelessness. Now there are a lot of 5K's that happen in Utah but none that I found to help end homelessness...and I want the money to go towards the Homeless Youth Resource Center (to help build a shelter) and to benefit the 2 detox facilities for Volunteers of America.

Now I have no idea how to do this. I don't know what it would entail, who to contact, or where even to begin, BUT when has my lack of knowledge ever stopped me before???:). So the search is on to figure out how to accomplish this. This would also help me in my health goal...because if you're going to organize a 5 k...I would think you better be prepared to run it.

So those are the two goals I came up with this week....And I have not forgotten my EVEREST GOAL...I'm still working on that and will be dying..opps I mean hiking to Lake Blanche on July 10th in an effort to prepare for Emerald Lake... Imma get there y'all,I might be struggling, out of breath, and swearing the whole way up there but Imma get there.. you watch.

..Joy..

DEFINITION:
1 a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety
2 : a state of happiness or felicity : bliss
3 : a source or cause of delight

Been thinking a lot about "joy" lately...if we are that we might have...why aren't we more joyful?? Now granted sometimes life freeken sucks lemons...and being "joyful" just ain't gonna happen..but what about other times? For me there are times that I am just going through the motions of what I need to do...but I think I need to take more time to enjoy my journey...to enjoy the people around me...to enjoy my environment..and the great learning opprotunities I've been blessed with.
...Anyways just one of my random thoughts that have been on my mind lately.

...Love...

I had dinner with a new mom. She looked... different. Not really physically different, but there was a marked difference in her eyes...there is this deep reservoir of love that wasn't necessarily there before. I not only seen it as she told me of all the things that have happened to her since the birth of her child... but I could feel it in my heart as she spoke. I have seen it when she has spoken about her husband...but it was especially evident tonight when she spoke about her child. Do all mothers have that? I am sure the love you would feel for your spouse would be equally as deep. I would suppose it is a feeling that involves loving someone so completely and unconditionally ....and with everything in your heart.

It was one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed today.

....UNCONQUERABLE...

Just saw one of the most beautiful sunsets...and now it looks like there is going to be a lightening storm....for some reason this poem came to mind. It's one of my favorites...Invictus is a Latin word meaning "unconquerable"...and one of my favorite lines in this poem is... "My head is bloody, but unbowed."

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

....Field of dreams....

I had a dream a number of years ago that was very vivid. If I close my eyes I can still see the golden colors and the blue sky as if it were real. I am not exactly sure why this is coming up now...but the images have been lingering in the peripheral of my mind lately. So here is a journal entry I wrote about it.....

I had a pretty intense dream last night...it started out just overlooking this golden wheat field...set against this intense and vibrant blue sky...it looks beautiful, but as the view goes closer and closer I see an opening in the wheat field and notice something like a black cocoon. I am maybe a few feet from this thing on the ground and notice that it is a person but not only are they wrapped in chains but they are also covered in tar. Then suddenly my view changes and I am the one that is tarred and chained. I struggle against the chains for what seems like a lifetime trying to somehow get lose. Because of the tar and the way I'm positioned my view of things around me is limited...but I can see that there is someone close by, but for some reason I refuse to ask for help. So I struggle, and twist and turn..for what seems like the entire night..my energy is spent and in tears I ask whoever it is to please help me...there is no immediate answer ..then again humbled and defeated I cry out for help. Then my vision of the dream changes and I am like an outsider looking in. I see myself lying there tarred, chained and crying then I see the end of the chain and I slowly follow it with my eyes and I see the person that is holding the chain...the one that I called out to...was me.

I remember I woke up from this dream in tears and I felt like I had to write it in my journal. So now looking back it makes me think of a few things.

1. I'm pretty stubborn and prideful at times... Even when I knew someone was close by I refused to ask for help at first....and instead spent the entire night (or so it seemed)struggling and trying to get free on my own.

2. I ultimately decide what will hold me back...I decide where and when to put down my pride and whether or not I let the obstacles in front of me become roadblocks that stop my progress or if I instead see them as an opportunity to become teachable and learn new ways to overcome, grow and be better.

Its definitely easy to recognize the things that might hold me back and say what I should do....The more difficult task will be actually putting what I learn into practice.... To really be teachable and be willing to do the work will take some time...but I'm grateful for the opportunity to try.

...I need to rent some space on Pandora

So I just watched Avatar a week or so ago...obviously you can tell that I am a fan. I loved the cinematography...or the effects that were used....but besides that I just thought that Pandora was beautiful...tropical, mystical...paradise. Neytiri...was pretty fierce too. I like that she was strong, passionate and smart. I cried when the idiot military guys attacked Pandora. It was so tragic, heartbreaking and pointless. Anyways I thought it was a good movie :)

...imprinted on my heart...

This past week has been pretty crazy for me. I had been waiting to hear if I got into grad school...and finally found out that ...I did not get in this year...It was a little hard to digest because grad school was the whole reason I came to Utah...at least that is what I thought...a friend of mine said "when a door closes a window opens"...now as corny as that may sound it definitely was true in this case because the next day I was offered a wonderful yet challenging position in my agency. I initially asked for a few hours to make a decision...but in my heart I knew that the decision was already made. I was pretty emotional about it. You know right after I interviewed for the position I walked out of there...extremely sad. Not sad because I bombed the interview...but sad because I felt I might actually have a shot at it. It made me think of all the staff at detox how they have become more like family to me. Then I thought about all my clients.. When I would work with them I would think about my mom..and all the trials that she went through in her life...Their faces and hers...are imprinted on my heart.

Though my mom did not have substance abuse addictions she did have mental health issues and someone or a bunch of someones took the time to help her...that warms my heart every time I think about it...and it makes it even more important for me to work hard for my clients. I will miss them all. In my new position I will be working with homeless youth. I am excited about this new position and will work just as hard for this program as I did for detox. I am grateful for all the people that I have met and all the experiences that I have had at detox. It has only made me a better person. Leaving detox is a bit scary...it feels like I'm leaving home and going off on my own again. I know that might sound a bit melodramatic..but it does feel like that.

I wish my mom was here to help me navigate through all these crazy life choices...you know sometimes a girl just needs her mother. I wonder if she would be happy with the life I am living and the paths I have taken..I wonder what kind of advice she would have given me. I know without a doubt..no matter what my choices are..that my mom would've supported me and loved me if she were here.
Actually I think she would've told me to cut the tears, fix my face, and get to work.
She did everything she could for her children..despite all the pain she went through with my dad ...that didn't stop her from sacrificing whatever she needed to to provide for us kids ...she worked, took care of us, and made sure we were happy...her needs always came second. I am so grateful for her...her memory continues to be a source of inspiration to me....and I know if I strive to work as hard as my mom did...in whatever I choose to do ..I'll be successful. Seriously, I would be lucky to be half the woman she was.

....a step backwards..

Okay so I have never been politically savvy...nor do I usually get involed in many political issues let alone comment on them...I mean I know most of the major issues. I like watching the news and am somewhat informed in what's going on in the world politically. I like to be an informed voter... I think it's ignorant and irresponsible to vote without at least studying up on all sides of any issue....but I definitely do not consider myself "politically involved" or even very knowledgeable when it comes to politics.

All that being said ...ARIZONA WHAT THE HELL!!!???

Okay so I'm not going to pretend to know how much Arizona spends on their border and illegal immigration problems..or how much their crime rate is due to illegal immigrants. I am sure it's significant and one of their most pressing issues in their state. That is evident by their rashness in signing into law a piece of legislation that definitely got the attention of everyone in the nation including President Obama (which is partly what I think she was trying to do), but also could put at risk the rights of anyone of color who decides to pass through their state.

"Arizona immigration law sb1070 will make it a state crime not to carry proof of legal immigration status and will require Arizona's state and local police to ask about a person's immigration status if there is "reasonable suspicion" that he or she is in the country illegally."

So who decides who is "reasonably suspicious"? Who trains these law enforcement personnel on how to weed out possible illegal immigrants? What is the criteria? How can you ensure that people will not be racially profiled,harrassed and/or discriminated against...and who do they inform when they are harrassed and discriminated against? The police?

I understand that Governor Brewer felt she was backed into a corner, with growing problems, outrageous crime rates and thousands of state dollars spent on their illegal immigration issues with no real help from the federal government. It's understandably a major issue that has plagued Arizona for some time now. I totally agree that something had to be done. So what else was she to do?

My answer: ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS!!!

Are you telling me with how far we've come and how much more informed and educated we are....with all that has happened in our countries past that they couldn't think of another way? Was there really nothing else they could think of? Was there no other solution to their problems?

This law is not progressive or cutting edge...what it does do unfortunately is make us take a step back about 50 years.



I'm not sure how this is all going to play out...all I gotta say to Governor Brewer is...Do you realize the ramifications of what you have just done?

Quotes by Martin Luther King Jr:

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. ~Martin Luther King Jr

History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

...the perfect day...

The energy here at Liberty Park is palpable. The park is packed full of people rollerblading, exercising, BBQ'ing pretty much just hanging out and having fun. If I could describe the park in a color I would say that it was yellow...not like mustard yellow...but bright sunshiny yellow. It feels happy here :) But let me back track because my perfect day wouldn't have been possible without the perfect sleep I had. I normally don't sleep very long. A normal night would range from 5 to 6 hours ...but for the past two weeks I would be lucky if I got that much sleep. Anyways I got a full 8 hours of sleep. Not really sure why..I didn't even dream much that I know of. So I woke up rested for the first time in awhile and then decided to go to my ward activity. The activity was put on by the guys in our ward and it was a sister appreciation brunch. They washed our cars and made some delicious food. It was nice to sit and talk with the other sisters and hang out...but then they gave all the sisters roses which in and of itself is way sweet but with it they also gave us this little card that had a quote by President Hinckley on it...

"He who is our Eternal Father has blessed you with miraculous powers of mind and body. He never intended that you should be less than the crowning glory of His creations."

That quote really touched my heart..it really made me feel like I was....enough.

The guys didn't even have to do the other stuff...If they gave me that card with a mango (sorry been craving Mangoes lately) I would've felt exactly the same way, but their effort and willingness to put this on for the sisters was amazing. (If you're single and in the Salt Lake area we got some great guys in our ward :)) So a few people in my ward were going to go out to SugarHouse Park for a walk...but I opted instead to come out here to Liberty. So I did some walking, and reading and now I'm writing this blog in the shade on a perfect spring day. I could stay out here forever .

So here is a weird and random fact about me.... I close my eyes sometimes when I'm walking. There is just something about listening to music, being out side with the sun shining on me, and a light breeze that touches my face, not really sure how to describe it. It's sort of like letting a wave wash over you...just calming and peaceful.

Surprisingly I do not fall down as much as you would think...but I do bump into people quite often. Anyways My heart is just happy and light and very grateful for all that I've been blessed with.

..laughter is the best medicine..

BEING SICK SUCKS...HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP MUCH...AND I FEEL LIKE I'M COUGHING UP A LUNG.....THANKFULLY I HAD A DVD OF SOME OLD SEINFELD EPISODES...AND I WATCHED THE ONE WHEN ELAINE SENT OUT A CHRISTMAS CARD AND IT SHOWED HER NIPPLE...AND THE ONE WHERE GEORGE PRETENDS TO BE A MARINE BIOLOGIST...THEN IS EXPECTED TO SAVE A BEACHED WHALE...HILARIOUS!!!! LAUGHTER IS DEFINITELY THE BEST MEDICINE...AND A LITTLE NYQUIL DOESN'T HURT. GOODNIGHT CYBERLAND.....ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

...My Everest...

My head is clearer when I am outside..enjoying nature and away from the noise of everyday life...I was feeling claustrophobic again inside. As soon as I got home from work I changed then went down to Liberty Park...it was pretty empty ...and it was quiet and peaceful. I put on my ipod and went for a walk. There are so many beautiful places in Utah that I would like to see.

This is a picture of Emerald Lake up by Mount Timpanogos. It's beautiful and I am going there....but I am far from in shape to reach this goal at the present time. I was initially going to go there this month. That was the plan...and like many ill conceived plans...if I were to go up there now I am unsure I would be able to complete it. So instead I am going to re look at my initial plan and factor in a few things that I did not.
1) Physical ability to do it...I am lacking in that area and need to change it or change my destination...since I REFUSE to change my destination..I obviously have to change my physical ability to make the trek. So I'm starting to exercise on a more consistent basis but I am also adding in small hikes every Saturday not only to get me ready...but also to see the end result of a hike...even if it's a small one. The stunning view at the end of a hike makes the journey worth it. (That's a good thing to remember when I'm half way through a hike and feel like I'm dying and want to give up). Giving up...not an option.
2) Time Frame...I said I would go up there this April, I don't think that was a realistic goal, but I am going to give myself until next April. That might seem like a long time to some but I want to make sure I am totally prepared for it. I will see how I feel about it in 6 months. If I feel good then maybe I will try in October.

When I feel something needs to happen...I tend to jump in and not let go until it does...which is mostly a good thing ...but a lot of times I refuse to see the obstacles that get in the way of completing what ever it is I'm trying to accomplish. Then when it doesn't happen I'm frustrated and defeated. I'm working on changing that about myself. To be open to see what the obstacles are and how to go about getting around them or over them or through them, but just acknowledging that obstacles exist is pretty important.

So for an experienced hiker I'm sure this particular journey is minor...but for me...at least for the next 6 to 12 months this hike is my Everest.

It's easy to get frustrated when trying to get something accomplished... I get frustrated with myself, with my progress... or lack there of, and I can get pretty impatient with where I am as opposed to where I think I should be...but I want this experience to be different...I hope to give myself and my body the time I need to not only get stronger but also just to enjoy the overall process.
If I can do that...this will be the first in a long list of Everest's I plan to conquer.

..poetry..

So I haven't read much poetry since college but just recently a friend of mine told me about a few poems that he liked...so I looked up the author and I liked a lot of his stuff so I decided to post some with a few of my old favorites.

A Question

A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.

Robert Frost

Silence

I catch the pattern
Of your silence
Before you speak

I do not need
To hear a word.

In your silence
Every tone I seek
Is heard.

Langston Hughes

This has always been one of my favorites..

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

Sick Room

How quiet
It is in this sick room
Where on the bed
A silent woman lies between two lovers-
Life and Death,
And all three covered with a sheet of pain.

Langston Hughes

The Dream Keeper

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamer,
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Langston Hughes

I know why the caged bird sings

A free bird leaps on the back
Of the wind and floats downstream
Till the current ends and dips his wing
In the orange suns rays
And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage
Can seldom see through his bars of rage
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill for
The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
And the trade winds soft through
The sighing trees
And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright
Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams
His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with
A fearful trill of things unknown
But longed for still and his
Tune is heard on the distant hill
For the caged bird sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

...all the day long

So someone at work asked me the other day if I thought that God listened to junkies...I said,"With all my heart I know that He does". He didn't ask any other question and seemed to take my answer well. So I didn't say anything else about it and we never spoke of it after...but his question...and more so the look he had on his face when he asked me is still imprinted in my mind.

That look broke my heart. I knew he wanted to hear my honest opinion...but I'm not sure if he trusted my answer. With everything in me I do not think our Heavenly Father sees labels when He is looking in on us, I think all He sees is His children. Some struggling more than others, some walking down some dark paths, some succeeding and being happy, some barely surviving, some raising families, some lost and lonely, some grasping for hope, some who have already given up,and some who have endured and excelled despite their trials...I think He sees us and where we are on our journey...and like any loving Father is mindful of us, He is aware of our needs and longs to bless and help us. I also think he blesses us with people in our lives that are going to strengthen us and help us when we are at our lowest point...I know this seems easy to say and don't get me wrong I have had my fair share of days where I felt alone and was unsure if I was worthy of those blessings...or even worthy of His time and concern..those were sad and lonely days...but I have never doubted His love... even for one like me.

There is a scripture in Jacob that says

"And how merciful is our God unto us, for he remembereth the house of Israel, both roots and branches; and he stretches forth his hands unto them all the day long..."

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that particular scripture has comforted me... to know that no matter what hour, no matter what the circumstance... His hands are stretched forth towards me..all the day long.

I hope he believed me when I answered his question...Because with everything in my heart I know that what I told him was true.

...Not such a bad choice...

So initially I wrote out this long play by play of what I did on my two extra days off..but I wanted instead to show you the pictures I took when I went up to Big Cottonwood Canyon and Ensign Peak. I also saw this graffiti art that was done on the side of a building that I thought was beautiful.

These pictures are far from great...and at first glance you might think that this particular day looks cold, gloomy, and sad..but in actuality despite it being overcast the day was stunning... I was in awe at how beautiful and majestic the snow capped mountains looked up there. The air was crisp and clean and it was peaceful and quiet. Ensign Peak was also AMAZING. Then to be in the heart of downtown Salt Lake and see this piece of art on the side of a building that hundreds of people pass by everyday. It was all just so ...beautiful.

Salt Lake really has the best of all things..the city is great with it's old buildings that have so much character and history, to it's diversity, to it's art and music scene...it's a great city without being too overbearing. Then all you have to do is travel about an hour and you'll be in some of the most amazing mountains I have ever seen in my life.

I stood up there at Ensign Peak and thought about all of that and I realized that I could actually see myself living here for a long time. A piece of my heart will always long for the simple life of the islands, the lush green mountains, and the healing powers of the ocean...but I have come to appreciate Salt Lake and Utah in general..and am grateful that I chose to live here.

... Sharing those talents...

Last Friday night I went to an art show featuring local artists. It was beautiful, haunting, disturbing, powerful, and inspiring. I was in total awe by how they could translate what they were feeling into these amazing works of art. I also just got back from touring the Utah Opera. Now I'm not really into Opera. I like some classical music and some instrumental tracks,but I was blown away when I sat in on their rehearsal tonight. Their skill, talent, dedication to their art and just their pure enjoyment in what they were creating was so moving. I'm grateful I live in a place that is so rich in diversity and culture.

PS. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for my talent of 'being a good friend" but sometimes I am a little envious...of those with the more obvious talents :)

Freeing....

...Today was okay....there has been some stuff that has been worrying me or on my mind but I'm learning more and more that no matter what I could do, or think I should do, or am aching to do...sometimes the answer is to...wait and see, or to just listen, or to walk away all together. That is difficult for a die hard "fixer" to do or even to admit...but it's also freeing to not feel responsible for every little thing that happens or to beat myself up over things that are out of my hands. That being said...I am still far from being a master at the whole "Let go, and Let God" thing; however .... I'm optimistic.

....Hard of Hearing....

So I finally got the call I've been waiting for, for the past 7 to 8 months. Skywest finally came a callin'. When I first got to Utah I applied everywhere I could but the first job that called me back was Skywest. I worked first in their cargo department, then in the bag rooms, and then finally on the ramp. It could be difficult at times especially when the weather was extreamly hot or cold, but for the most part it wasn't that bad at all, and I met some really cool people....I met some freaks too but that's a whole other blog.. So anyways I got furloughed in March and have pretty much been waiting to go back so I could fly again. No matter what the work was like, the flying benefits were more than worth it. To be able to travel when ever and where ever you wanted to is a pretty big perk and is the main reason people want to work there. So I should be happy right??... I mean I could jump on a plane this weekend if I wanted and go to Hawaii, California, Vegas, or New York or all of them...depending on availability.... (You can tell there is a big BUT coming right??)...BUT at the last minute I turned down the job.

For a few months now I've been praying for some direction on some decisions that are ahead of me...some inspiration...some guidance...some assurance that I'm where I'm suppose to be.... some big neon arrow from the heavens pointing me in the right direction would be great!!...but for some reason...it's been a little quiet. So I've also been praying to have the courage to act when I finally feel His promptings...even if it's scary or not something I would initially want to do. Not that I don't make decisions on a daily about my life, but I've just been trying to include the Lord in my process more.

So back to the call from Skywest...so I get the call and I'm ecstatic...visions of the beach and my family filled my head...yet I was getting a nagging feeling in my gut that I shouldn't take the job. I dismissed the feeling initially because;
1. I needed some extra income
2. I so desperately wanted to be somewhere else but here.
3. The opportunity to see my dad and sisters was too great to just pass up.


So I thought...if I still feel this way after I go to Hawaii then I'll quit. So I make an appointment with the Training person and go down and sign paper work. During the entire process I felt sick to my stomach. Not a nauseated feeling, but more like when you've hurt someones feelings and you feel really really bad about it...like this sinking bad feeling in your gut. Anyways I know what that feeling means to me, but I keep thinking "just one trip home and I'll be good, I'll quit right after".

At this point I already know that I should not take the job, but I dismiss that feeling with the rationalization that "I'll eventually quit"

So today I was set to train at 5:30 pm. The entire day my heart was heavy and the bad gut feeling was back but stayed with me the whole day. I'm not really good at hiding my feelings so I'm sure the fact that something was bothering me was written all over my face, but I just wasn't in the sharing mood today.

So I finish work at detox and jump in my car to head over to the airport...the feelings I was having did not subside at all, and I kept thinking..."I'll quit after I travel this weekend"..... So I was half way to the airport when a question came into my mind.."You've been asking for direction all this time So ...why are you fighting what the answer is?" ...I finally turn the car around and make the call to the training person to let them know that I would not be taking the job.

Now I'm sure you've heard of the still small voice....Well this answer was practically on a billboard with neon lights and being blasted through Bose speakers ON REPEAT.... yet it took awhile for me to heed it.

I'm not exactly sure why the airport job was not meant for me to take...but I trust that the Lord's vision of my life stretches so much further than I can see and that if I'm seeking His help I need to have a little more faith when I do get an answer. I know He loves me and wants me to be happy...so I pray next time heeding His promptings will be instinctual and that He won't have to yell so loud and so many times to get through to me.

Getting pounded...

....feeling overwhelmed today...you ever feel that way? Where your heart feels weird and a little heavy and your stomach is in knots...there is no more room in my head...today is strange...even my music isn't soothing me.

Have you ever gotten pounded by a wave?...It can be scary...as beautiful as the ocean is...it can be powerful and merciless...I use to boogie board all the time; however I don't know how to swim. I loved being out there in the water and riding those waves on the shore breaks..it is such a peaceful mellow feeling to be out there... just as long as I had a leash on my board I felt okay. But there was this one time in particular that I will never forget.

I went out to Hukilau Beach by myself. It was during Christmas and usually at that time the waves can get pretty big...it didn't seem too bad that day...I remember it was a bit overcast but the water was nice and warm. Nobody was on the beach that morning and I was just enjoying how quiet it was. I wasn't paying much attention and before I knew it I was taken out further than I was use to, but I didn't panic because I had my leash on and I figured I'd just take the next wave in closer to the shore.

The phrase "never turn your back on the ocean" is commonly heard in Hawaii...and unfortunately I did just that...I didn't see the 3 waves that were coming towards me in succession ..nor did I realize their size until I turned and the first one was right over me...I was pounded and pinned to the ocean floor one minute then flipped around the next and just when I thought it would let up the next wave hit....and then the last one...The leash and my board were ripped off of my wrist and I swallowed so much water and was flipped around so much I wasn't sure I would make it..I thought I was going to drown. Fortunately for me every wave that hit me moved me closer and closer to the shore and eventually I was able to stumble and drag myself out of the water and back to the beach.

That's kind of where I'm at right now ...the first wave has hit me and now I'm floundering and waiting for the next two to do it's damage...but eventually I will drag myself out of this...and though I'll be a little shaken...I'll come out of this ...better...wiser...and hopefully even more grateful for another chance to ride again. I still don't know how to swim and it's been a little while since I've been boogie boarding ...but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could..if you can handle getting pounded ...it makes riding a perfect wave all the more sweeter. You learn to appreciate the ocean for all it's beauty as well as respect all of it's power to bring you to your knees.

Life is not very different from the ocean. Here's hoping the waves hit me quickly so I can dust myself off and ride again.

....being Happy in 2010...

So on New Years Eve I went home and decided to try and reach my dad. I was pretty surprised to get through at around 3:00am (Which was 11:00pm in Samoa.) Anyways I had a good conversation with my dad, just talking about what he had been up to that day. In the last few months my dad not only joined Manumalo Baptist church but he has also done musical numbers for them almost every other week, and on this particular night he was asked to share his testimony, which he did.

Him agreeing to do that and then following through....was a HUGE thing for him. My dad is very quiet and pretty introverted, he'll only speak if it's necessary. He also was never very religious while I was growing up...I have never once seen my dad say a prayer and the only time he went to church was during the holidays. He is the kind of person that keeps a lot of things in and doesn't talk about what's going on with him. He'll shy away from crowds and talking in public. So this change in him is a major thing. He sounds happier, content, and even excited about the things he is doing. I'm not exactly sure what brought about the change but I'm glad that he is doing things that are challenging him...despite the fact that I am sure its scary for him...seeing as how he never would have done those things in the past.

So before I end my conversation with my dad I ask him, "Dad do you have any advice for me for 2010?" He paused for a minute..and in that brief time I imagined that he would probably say "Stop trying to go to school and go and get a job that pays more money". or "Move back home where you're close to family"....but that is not the advice he gave me.. he said, "Keep reaching for the things that will make you happy". He continued ...(because of course like the sap that I am, I started to tear up) "You always made your own way, and I know you're doing all these things for a reason, I just want you to be happy". My dad is a man of few words...so his words and confidence in me and my decisions meant more to me than I can begin to express.

So how do I incorporate his advice into my life in 2010? I am not big on "New Years Resolutions"...However my dad's words have inspired me to set some specific goals that will help me be a better version of myself than I have been in the past. I'll still be the same out spoken, goofy, stubborn, slightly ghetto person that I have always been :), I don't see those pieces of me changing... but I pray to be ...better. Better to those around me, better to my family, but most importantly better to myself.

I'm not sure what 2010 will bring, but I'm grateful for the promise this new year has to offer of new experiences and opportunities to learn, grow, and improve.