a lesson from my nieces...

I was talking to two of my nieces last night over the phone. Iree is 13 and Vicky is 8. They have a typical sibling relationship, they love each other one minute then annoy the heck out of each other the next. Last night when I was talking to Iree she was telling me about an argument that her and Vicky just had...it was the same argument I've been hearing from them since Vicky became old enough to help her sister with the chores...Iree needed help...and Vicky didn't want to help. So Iree proceeded to tell me the story..finally Vicky did get up to help her sister but Iree wasn't about to let her get away with all the back talk that apparently occurred... So Iree gave Vicky the silent treatment..which didn't sit well with Vicky so she started to apologize to Iree...which Iree was not having...In Iree's words this is what happened, "She kept saying sorry and I told her I was not ready to forgive her, then Vicky said "Come on Iree it's been 10 minutes can you just forgive me because I want to go watch my tv show" That had me laughing. So then Miss Vicky gets on the phone and proceeds to tell me her side of the story...but she doesn't try to defend herself...she admits to talking back and giving Iree a hard time...then she asked me a question in such a serious voice. She asked, "Aunty do you think I need to talk to somebody about my madness?" She was so sincere and seemed so earnest it just broke my heart so instead of giving her a hard time about talking back to Iree I told her that when she feels angry or "madness", instead of blurting something out that could hurt her sister she should first count to ten or sing a primary song in her head to calm herself down. She seemed excited to try it out and told me that she would keep me posted on how it helped her.

This talk got me thinking about my own ways of dealing with anger or being hurt....it's easy to lash out ..or lash back ..it's easy for the split second it takes to hurt someone, sometimes all it takes is a few words that could potentially ruin a friendship, or relationship. But was it worth it? Sometimes the situation isn't as it appears, or maybe we don't know the whole story or maybe you don't realize what the other person is going through at the time...and yet you lash out anyway..for me the guilt that comes afterward from hurting someone can last past any memory of the event....and in some instances no amount of "I'm sorry's" can erase the hurt and damage you have caused. I've learned this lesson the hard way in the past and I really try not to say or do anything that can hurt someones feelings even if at the time I feel they are deserving of it. I am so proud of my nieces for trying to learn this lesson early on in their lives.

...pushing pause

Yesaterday I went and took a session at the Bountiful temple. My cup was full and I was feeling drained....I have a lot going on this week and just needed to do something that would give me the energy I needed to face the rest of my week....So I went to Bountiful...this was my time to commune with the Lord...to re-evaluate, to re-energize, to re-fcous, to really think about choices that are coming up in the near future. It was my time to put my load at His feet and pray for direction and peace. I pray everyone takes that time for themselves...with whatever you believe... to push pause on the craziness of life....and take a minute to just be.

THE POLY MOVEMENT...

So a few weeks ago Omi asked what I thought the Poly movement meant to P.A.L.E (www.palefoundation.org). I gotta tell you initially I was at a loss, first off I just became a part of P.A.L.E so I'm not too sure I can speak for them but at the same time it really made me think. Here is the quote I gave her of what I think the "Poly Movement" is to me.

For me it's a move "UP". A move up from the negative media stereo type of our people. It's a move up from the limited mentality of what we can do, accomplish, and be. It's a move up from the couch :) so many of our people on public assistance although they are more than capable of holding a job. A move up from thinking that furthuring your education is a waste of time...and that our kids should just go to work after high school...Also I hope it's a move "CLOSER" to what all poly cultures have always had in common but has been lost in the recent years....respect, service, humility, perseverance, hard work and a love of God and family.

In Hawaii I didn't really feel a "poly movement" I mean don't get me wrong there was always the sovereignty issues that were in the news, but nothing that I felt connected to me fully. Coming to Utah has really made me redefine what I think about being polynesian in America. I am a minority. I've never felt that way anywhere I have lived before. It has made me sit up and take notice of the issues polynesians and primarily our polynesian youth are facing here. What are our struggles as a people? What are we doing to contribute to the stereotypical view of how people see polynesians? How can we help our children to dream beyond the barriers of their current situation? How can we teach our children to keep the very best things about our cultural while also striving and succeeding in America? How can we re-introduce the core teachings of every polynesian culture to a youth that feels no connection to the islands except for sitting around a bucket of kava? I don't know the answers to all these questions....but the questions are being asked and more people are getting involved with finding the answers. But maybe the most important question is "What am I doing to help?"

mind scabies

beaten down today,
flaws magnified,
can't get it right,
can't measure up,
tired of measuring.
uncomfortable in my skin,
not smart enough,
not being an example,
struggled in school,
how will I finish,
money problems,
letting my dad down,
can't take care of him,
isolated,
fraud,
not helping anyone,
beaten to the ground,
beaten to the ground,
beaten to the ground,
CAN'T GIVE UP,
WON'T GIVE UP,
WON'T STAY DOWN.

YOU CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN!
NOT SCARED OF THE DARK,
NO MATTER HOW DIM MY LIGHT MAY BE RIGHT NOW,
I WILL SUCCEED!
I WILL TRIUMPH!
I WILL CONQUER!
MY GUIDE WILL GET ME THROUGH,
MY GUIDE HAS LIT THE WAY,
TRUST...I WILL MAKE IT.

...update

So it has been quite awhile since I put my thoughts on ...line :) A lot has happened since I last posted. Gained some friends, lost some friends, gained perspective, lost perspective, loss some weight, gained it back :), decided the kinds of things I didn't need in my life, and realized yet again what the most important things in my life are.

So hmmmm what to write about first..."Gained some friends and lost some friends" well I've always felt that you'll be able to count on one hand the friends that you'll =be able to count on. The ones that'll be there for you and know you enough to cut through your bullcrap to get to what you really mean or really need. The ones who need no convincing when it comes to the kind of person you are. Well unfortunately alot of my really close friends do not reside in this state...so I thought to myself...it's time to branch out, and make new friends...I found a couple that I thought were promising new friends...but I definitely think some people come into your life just to teach a lesson...and then they bounce right out...that's how it was with these friends. They taught me a lot of things but probably one of the most important things I re-learned was the kind of people I want...and don't want in my life. They made me grateful for the people in my life who are honest, straight up, and genuine.
I'm still open to meeting new people and gaining new friendships..I definitely love meeting new people...but believe me I'll be more cautious from here on out.

Now the whole "perspective" thing...well my whole reason to come to Utah was for grad school. I've been here for a year and a half and was seriously trying to figure out why I'm still here...I couldn't figure out what to go into, I've been having doubts about being able to go to school and work full time, I've also just been doubting whether it is worth it.. Can I be happy with where I am at right now?. As all of these things were running through my head... I realised that what I have right now is not enough....and to be able to progress and become a better case manager, couselor, or whatever else I want to be...I need to go back to school. I have finally decided to go to school to get my MSW. I am really excited and feel more focused then I have been... I spoke to a co-worker of mine and just got really excited about the program. So cross your fingers, wish me luck, and send some prayers my way...I'll need as many as I can get.

Okay the "loss weight, gain weight" thing is....ummm self explanatory :) Now it's back on the wagon again...and hopefully I can get myself back on a routine. I really want to go hiking..I'm not a big fan of the treadmill....I can't tell you how many times I have fallen off of one. I like being outside...loved biking and going for walks outside. So I'm trying to get back on a schedule...and we'll see how it goes. I'm optimistic and feeling rather happy about it :)

Now the "most important things in my life". Well my faith and my family are the most important things to me. As for my faith...my testimony is still rock solid...but have I been doing everything I need to do to continue to nurture it?...the answer to that is no. I've been traveling a lot on the weekends and have missed more church then I care to admit. My prayers have been rushed and my scripture study has been...nonexistant as of late. I have been leaning on my own understanding for awhile...and believe me it has not served me well..I have been longing lately to go to the temple, but have felt unworthy to go because of all that I have not been doing....and yet the longing gets stronger and stronger each day. The blessing of the gospel is that the Lord meets us where we are at....and right now I'm pretty low....yet today my heart feels light and I feel that it's time to get things back in order. I love My Heavenly Father and the gospel and am thankful for yet another opprotunity to change my course.

My family...what can I say about them...I love them all. They inspire me and just thinking about them makes me want to be better and do better. I think about them especially when I want to throw in the towel out here..and it gives me the strength to try again. Thank you guys for your prayers on my behalf..I have needed every single one of them.