Random weirdness...

I've felt very weird and anxious the past 3 days. It wasn't a bad anxious feeling...it was a nervous anxious feeling...sort of like when you know you have to give a presentation in front of a grip of people and your palms get sweaty and you feel like you're going to toss your cookies. Yup that's exactly how I was feeling. It started later Friday night and then came in waves all weekend. No I'm not sick...and if you know me at all you wouldn't even ask me about being pregnant, also there is nothing that I am really worried about at this time. It came on and off today a little bit but not as strong...A friend of mine told me that I should assume that something good is going to happen. Like maybe something life changing is on the verge of occurring. I don't know...

On a totally different topic...I realized that I am deathly afraid of squirrels.

I was at Liberty Park Sunday morning writing in my journal and reading and this squirrel was on the tree in front of me...and it moved like it was tweekin'. I kid you not..IT FREAKED ME OUT...and then IT STARED STRAIGHT AT ME!!!!...with it's little beady freaky eyes and then came towards me. IT CAME RIGHT AT ME!!!! LIKE IT WAS COMING FOR ME SPECIFICALLY!!!!!!I've never booked it so fast out of that park. The end.

..Got some learnin' to do...

I have always loved school. My favorite subjects in school were english, speech, literature, social studies, creative writing and photography. I also read a lot. Reading was an escape for me. A time to be in a different world away from where ever I was at the time...My grades rarely reflected all the knowledge I was gaining. If you went off just grades...I would have to admit that I was a pretty mediocre student. I didn't mean to be..I tried hard in my classes..but I was easily distracted and bored in a traditional lecture setting. At the time it wasn't such a big deal to me because I got through middle school and high school. I had to appeal to get into BYU Hawaii because my GPA was low but I got in. Unfortunately the same struggles I had previously, followed me into college. I was easily distracted and did not do well when my exams were in the testing center...but I got through it. Again, No big deal right? WRONG!!!! Last year I had tried to get into grad school at the University of Utah.

I didn't get in. I was devastated. My main reason for moving to Utah was to go to grad school.

So I went up to the U to speak to someone on the admissions board. I wanted to know why I didn't get in so that I could reapply this year...she told me my application was "impressive", my references and essays were "fabulous"...they just needed to be longer..but other than that my application was great...so what was the problem?

My GPA was a 2.95 and they needed it to be a 3.0. That killed me...I was a half a point off???!!!! Frustrated but not defeated I asked for advice on what to do. Her suggestion was to take a standardized test, beef up my essays then resubmit my application. So I decided to take the Millers Analogy Test (MAT)...so here is an example of one of the questions..

1. Hobbes : Locke :: Byron : (a. Shelley, b. Picasso, c. Mantle, d. Bach)

So the point is to find how all the words relate and then to see which word would best fit into the relationship. (yup even as I typed that last sentence all I heard was "blah blah blah") :)



So I am going to take the test the first week in October. This will give me some time to study and to make sure my essays are on point, before I submit my application again.

MY GPA DOES NOT DEFINE MY INTELLIGENCE

But the score on this test is the deciding factor on whether I get into the U. I need to do well if I'm going to get in....and I NEED to get into grad school. WHY??? Because I believe It will help provide and teach me the skills, techniques and knowledge I need to be the best counselor/ social worker/ program manager etc.,that I can be and......I want to be the best. My clients and staff deserve the best from me and I can't settle for being mediocre in a job that I love.

So it's crunch time...I'm excited about learning and getting pushed outside of my comfort zone....It's definitely not going to be easy. I know I have certain difficulties that I'll need to overcome. I also have some challenges in regards to my memorization and also my attention span really needs to improve, but I know I can do this! I bought 2 dictionaries, 1 vocabulary builder and I'm working on my flash cards...yup folks...I said Flash Cards :)Wish me luck!!!

Unspoken Words.....take 2

Got news yesterday that someone I knew passed away.....

Life is short if you really think about it in terms of eternity. We have this little bit of time to live, love, and learn how to find true happiness.

And since my time is so limited am I handling situations that come up in the right way? For instance would I be so quick to spend so much time on petty stuff...like minor disagreements, or if someone offended me or hurt me in anyway would I concentrate so much energy on being upset and retaliating..or would I be more apt to let things go or try and resolve things quicker instead of letting all of those hurt feeling fester and increase.

Also I've asked this in one of my other blogs....but why do I hold back? Why don't I say "sorry" sooner when I am in the wrong? I've seen that simple phrase begin the healing process of years of past hurt...So why is it so hard to say?...And if I feel I am "in the right"...do I just wait on the other person to say sorry?...Or can I find a way to at least start a dialog...so I don't lose weeks, or months, or even years with those that I love? Also Why don't I give compliments more freely to those around me when it pop into my head? Do I say "I care" or "I love you" to those that I have those feelings for?

So one thought is that pride might be one reason...or maybe shame...or maybe I am afraid of looking foolish...or maybe I don't want to acknowledge that I might be wrong. Looking inward to see my part in a bad situation is not an easy thing. Sometimes I might feel it is easier to not deal with things that have hurt me..or maybe times when I have hurt others or even neglected to express my feelings. But is that easier really?

I have regrets that I live with daily....

I would give anything for a few minutes with my mom...just to make sure she knew that I loved her, how deeply sorry I am that I didn't write her more and how I wish I went to see her when she was sick.

I would give anything to go back in time to write a letter to my cousin who wrote me before her passing to let her know I got her letter, and that I love her, and that life gets better.

I would let my cousin Luis know how I looked up to him growing up and how great he was at trying to bring the family closer together.

I would let my client know that he did make so much progress from the first time he entered the doors, how much hope I see in him, and to never give up.

Those are just wishes...after thoughts..and "should haves"...but what I can do right now is try my hardest to say sorry sooner, genuinely compliment others, forgive quicker and tell the people that mean the most to me just how much I love them. DEFINTIELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE...but possible.