"Warrior"

I watched a movie Saturday night called "Warrior". My sister Tai loved this movie and told me I had to watch it. She said it was an inspirational movie about two brothers who were mixed martial arts fighters but said little else.

I've decided that I liked this movie...but I had to sleep on it before I fully came to that conclusion.

From Scene 1 this movie was heavy. The dad played by Nick Nolte is an alcoholic and from what I gather he was a very abusive father and husband...but close to his 1000 days of being sober his younger son Tommy, comes back to get his fathers help in training for this mixed martial arts tournament. Meanwhile the older brother who is a physics teacher, is close to losing his home so he begins to train for the same fight. The story line isn't the greatest but the overarching theme was the broken relationship between this father and his sons and the consequences of abuse. Which was portrayed heavily in Tommy's character. Tommy's anger was palpable in every scene he was in.

The interaction between the sons and their father was painful to watch. I felt like they were resolved to this estranged, raw and heart wrenching relationship. This movie was saturated with pain, anger, and regret. During a difficult scene where Tommy yet again verbally attacks his father I turned to my friend and said.."Why do we chose to hurt eachother so much?"

In the last few months I have had friends pass away, family become ill, friends dealing with painful medical issues or the loss of a child, as well as my own trials. No one in this life gets a pass on difficult and often times agonizing events that we have to deal with. So I think its fair to say that there is no reason for us to keep creating and perpetuating painful or hurtful situations...this journey we're on has it built right in. It made me reflect on my own actions...the words I use and the things I do that could affect another....that could hurt another. With reflection comes an awareness which hopefully leads to change.

The last scene of the movie the brothers walk out together...pain hopefully evolved into healing:) I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

So why did I decide that I liked "Warrior"?...the sliver of hope that was evident in both brothers towards the end. Even in the darkest and bleakest of situations I believe there is hope, light and forgivness. My cousin and sister both think I can be pretty gullible...which very well may be true..but I'm cool with that.

...Hold on...

I decided to go up by Red Butte gardens to the Livingroom Saturday morning. I wanted to be in the mountains but couldn't go far from Salt Lake. It was a beautiful morning. It had rained during the night but the sky was clearing up and it was nice and cool. I had started on the trail and passed a few people. This is a pretty busy trail with people biking or running up and around the area and Saturday morning was no different. There were a few spots in the beginning of the trail that were blocked off...so I had to take an alternate route. I didn't think it was that big of a deal...if I just keep going up I would eventually get there. Right?!?? I had my ipod on and I was listening to a talk from the last general conference...Elder Bednar was speaking about personal revelation...it made me think about my own communication with the Lord..

Sidenote: So those who know me well... know that on very rare occasions I can get distracted...and may at times get lost due to this problem. Well this was one of those extremely rare occasions.

Somehow I found myself off the trail and in the middle of a forest...ok so it wasn't a forest but there was brush all around me and I really couldn't see where I was going. I couldn't see far behind me...nor could I see much in front of me...all I saw was this...

....Yup a whole lotta trees and shrubs. So I decided I would follow my earlier plan and keep going up....I must have been walking in the "forest" for a good 20 minutes...before realizing that I hadn't seen anyone in that amount of time. Not one single person on this normally busy trail. I sat on a rock and was trying to decide what to do...the trees seemed to be closing in on me....:) ok not really...but there was this very "alone" feeling that I got all of sudden, After much deliberation I decided that I would continue going in the direction that feels "up"...then after about 30 minutes of wandering in the forest I finally walk out on to a path that looks familiar to me

...I finally knew exactly where I was. I was so surprised because I thought I was so far off the mark and that I wasn't even close to my destnation...but I was closer than I realized.

Ever feel like you are knee deep in it??...and by "it" I mean any dificult time, or trial, sadness or illness or just anything that feels like it may be too difficult to bear? Like you can't see the end anywhere in sight? I've had many times when I've felt like that...when I was in the thick of things...I couldn't see which way to go and I felt like I was the only one on this trail..but somehow...mostly when I'm just about to throw in the towel...something happens...like you finally find yourself back on a familiar trail and realize that the end really is in sight. Things do eventually get better...even though it may not feel like it when you're in the midst of it all...in the corny words of the 90's pop group Wilson Philips If we can "hold on for one more day"...we may be able to actually pull through. (That quote was for you Donald..I know how much you love them :)) Hopefully we have people on the trail with us, helping us along, sharing the load, or just making us laugh so even the most difficult trails are bearable. You will get through this...things will get better...I promise.

.

Boys, Spidey Sense & Stupid Ice Cream Trucks...

Last week Saturday I took my nephews (Ezra 11, Alvin 7, and Kuso 5) to Bridal Veil Falls in Provo.

This was their first time hiking EVER. So I wanted to do one that wasn't hard or long so that they could have a good first experience.

We hung out at the bottom of the waterfall for a little bit just hanging out before starting on the trail. Beforehand we decided that Ezra would lead us, Alvin would follow behind him and Kuso and I would take the rear.

I totally wished I had a scout manual on me!!...I know the motto is "Be prepared" but what is their advice and direction when a kid is on his/her first hike?? I really wanted the boys to have an awesome experience because if it sucked, they may not want to go again. And the thing that has been so relaxing and healing to me since moving to Utah is being able to explore in nature. Anyways without a scout manual I was left to wing it, so we discussed the importance of paying attention and staying focused, not running, helping eachother, sticking close together and the things that could happen if we don't follow direction....and yes I did mention falling to your death.

What?! I think transperancy is important.

Anyways I asked if they understood and they replied in unison exactly what I wanted to hear. "Yes Aunty we understand".

So for the most part everything went smoothly. Until we were at a somewhat sketchy part of the trail. There is one spot where you have to scramble across this very short area thats a gap in the path with some loose gravel. With a little direction and help Ezra went first. I helped him part way and he was very careful. He got across with no problems at all. Even though he was confident and the gap in the path was just a few feet..I found my whole body tense up in worry as he crossed. But besides the whole tense thing I felt like I had this amplified awareness of how he was moving and could almost predict what his next step was going to be. It was like a spidey sense. I think parents may be secret super heros with special powers in regards to their kids. (Maybe unbeknownst to me Pam might've loaned me some of her secret spidey powers when i came to pick up the boys.)

Anyways, Alvin was next...he kept looking down and seemed hesitant to cross. So I talked with him a bit about what to do, helped him part way across and told him Ezra would help him at the other end. So he starts across very slowly but steadily. He is not to far off from Ezra, who seems focused on him and ready to reach out to help him across...but then the sound of this stupid ice cream truck fills the air and Ezra looks away from Alvin for a second...As soon as I hear that blasted song I immediately look at Alvin who became nervous because Ezras attention for that second is not on him and he moves faster then he intended and slips. LUCKILY he slips after he crosses the gap but it scares him nonetheless (and scared the crap out of me as well). Alvin stood up and quickly gave Ezra a couple of punches in the gut. I was beyond grateful that I was looking at Alvin pummel his brother instead of being hurt from a fall.

Suffice it to say we had a very lengthy conversation about safety and staying focused. But I also told them how great they did helping eachother and looking out for one another. We all had a great time and they asked when are we going again.. but this time on one thats longer :) Hopefully it'll be soon...possibly after i get a scout manual.

:(

Have you ever messed up but couldn't take it back? Couldn't make it better, or say sorry any more sincere? You can't rewind the clock so you don't say what you shouldn't have said. I messed up today. I mean I really jacked up...and sorry just doesn't cut it. Doesn't cut it at all.

just behind the clouds....

The first time I experienced a hurricane was while I was living in American Samoa. This hurricane was slow moving but caused a lot of damage while it traveled through the other Pacific islands. That entire week before it hit the sky was overcast, the winds were gusting and the clouds were moving by quickly...It was a scary time. The reports would come in over the radio about the speed of the winds increasing as the hurricane moved closer and closer to our island. During this long stormy week.. the sun didn't come out once.
I get meloncholy and restless when it's gloomy for too long...but I remember something clicking and finally having the realization that even though I don't see the sun, that it's still there...just out of sight behind the clouds...for some reason that made me feel so much better.

This memory came to my mind as I have been struggling for the last little while. I prayed a lot for direction and comfort and have felt the heavens were silent. Yet in the midst of all of this I know..that even though I felt like I've been flying solo...He is there for me.

So last night I sang at a fireside. It was the first time I sang a solo part in church for many years. It is one of my favorite songs written by a friend of mine..this was the verse I sang:

He hears your plea,
He's never left your side,
He's watched you wade through the darkness in search of light,
When He says He loves you,
It means He will never leave you,
Comfortless through your,
time of need..

While we were singing...there was a quiet peace that entered my heart and I knew...that He continues to be there for me, just like the sun was there during that hurricane. He is there.. even though the clouds or storms of life may make it difficult to remember that at times.

"Only connect..." ~E. M. Forster

So the past 2 weeks I've thought a lot about how I connect with others. At times I have found that I'm not really present when interacting with friends, family, coworkers etc...I find myself going through the motions with my mind in other places, or going down my to do list, or planning my next road trip etc.

As this weighed on my mind more and more I thought about people who have wandered in my life and have wandered out for whatever reason...and I felt this sense of loss. I possibly missed out on my chance to really have a meaningful experience with them.

Which made me think about life..one thing that I feel brings lasting joy in this life is the relationships and connections we make with others. I interact with a ton of different people daily...and granted not all of those interactions will be full of joy and actually some of them might be downright difficult or annoying...but there are a lot that aren't.

Am I even fully present in the moment to determine what kind of experience it is?

There are 100 and 1 small moments that happen throughout my day...

Theres bound to be some joy in a couple of those moments right?

But if I'm future tripping or list checking or off on a beach in my head...I've missed out.

So these last 2 weeks I've really focused on staying present and engaged and ...what do you know...

found me some joy.

I played 31 with a coworker and kicked his trash..I danced and sang with my brothers to some Janet Jackson (I really need to learn the Miss U Much dance routine..that would up my joy exponentially)...had lunch with a wonderful friend...played catch with a great dog...memorized my favorite song and played it on my uke for a friend...played with my beautiful niece...hung out with my family...rocked out to a middle school band with coworkers...talked with different clients...had a ton of great conversations...got some great advice from someone I consider to be a mentor...took a walk with a friend...bowled a 77 and got schooled by some of my amazing staff... and the list goes on and on.

Only connect y'all...that's what its about.

...Are you for real???!!!

I got a call today and here is how the conversation went:
Me: Hello this is Sue...
Caller: I was wondering where you work?
Me: The Homeless Youth Resource Center
Caller: Soooo....are you for real?
Me: Yup pretty much.
Caller: No I mean is this for real?...
Me: Ummm I am not sure what you are referring to..
Caller: There aren't really homeless youth in Utah right? I mean there just can't be, because if there were "we" wouldn't stand for it.
Me: Yes ma'am there are homeless youth in Utah...837 unduplicated clients walked through our doors last year for services and at our half way mark this year our numbers were up 25%
Caller: I just can't believe it!!!...BECAUSE if people knew that this was happening in Utah "we" would do something about it!!
Me: You would think right?
Caller: WELL HAVE YOU TOLD ANYONE ABOUT THIS??!!!! This just isn't right!!!...people would help if they knew!!!! people would give money...people need to know so they can help get these kids off the street!!!
Me: I agree..
Caller: WELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT THIS IS HAPPENING??!!THIS IS ALL OF OUR PROBLEM!!PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!!!

So the conversation continued on. The lady that called me was upset and shocked that there were homeless youth in Utah...she initially was looking online for ways she could help homeless youth in New York because she felt bad that New York had this problem.

Then she found a link to our program and felt she just had to call because...it just coulld not be true that there were youth living on the streets so close to home. She seemed like she sincerely wanted to help and was very genuine in her desire to jump in and do something. It was a great opportunity to educate her on homeless issues in Salt Lake County and specifically with youth.

So just in case you didn't know...

There are youth that are homeless in Utah.

It is an issue that belongs to all of us...and will affect everyone regardless of whether "we" know about it or not.

What really shocked me about the call was... the fact that she was so shocked.

Individuals that are experiencing homelessness..are not invisible. Their stories are covered in the news and in the papers. All you need to do is take a walk to the nearest mall, library, bus stop, shelter etc. and you will find them. The question is ...now that "we" know the problem exists...what are "we" going to do about it?

April Fools Day

So at the end of a very long week...at about 5:00pm on Friday I walked into my office and found this hotdog guy as well as 4 others sitting around my office hanging out. My staff had done this for me...and for some reason...it made me very happy...and a little grossed out. It was probably the best April Fools moment I've had in a long time.

Kites, Swings, & Confidence...

Today was a perfect day to fly a kite. Unfortunately I do not at this time own a kite, but I did get to go out to Sugarhouse park and hang out there after work. Which is where I located a swing!!! So I did the obvious... I swinged? swung? How ever you say it....thats what I did :) It made me extreamly happy! Some may say that it's childish or immature to do something like that...but who really cares what those people say.

I think at times because of the way we would like our friends, family, or acquaintances to perceive us, or maybe because of the positions or roles that we have...we set these parameters on what is acceptable behavior. Which is a good thing...strong boundaries are important and helpful, but I think there are times when in all of the rules that we set up for ourselves for whatever reason

...if we're not careful...we can lose vital pieces of who we are... that make us unique.

I was talking to a friend today and she said that she had tried to blend in with her other friends growing up and that she suppressed pieces of herself to fit in...then she said something that really hit me...

"I tried so hard to blend in and was miserable about doing it, but I realized that I was meant to stand out".

She didn't say it in a cocky way at all...she was just stating her truth.

I respect that.

She is confident in who she is. I waver on this sometimes..I'm not exactly sure why. A part of it may be my upbringing, but at some point everyone needs to step out of whatever shadow they've been behind and confidently come into their own.

I think at times I saw my own confidence as conceit...and I worried about feeling self-important, being self absorbed, and oblivious to the source of all I've been blessed with. I realize now that I can remedy that by always remaining grateful..and aknowledging the Lords hand in my life as well as being the source of all that is good.

So I am going to do my best to be confident in who I am and the direction I am going in and if that includes a little kite flying and swinging then so be it :)

The Widows Mite...

A man came by my work today and donated a loaf of bread and some milk. I know this man. He is homeless and is struggling with addiction yet with what little he had he saw someone that might need it more than him. He said he wanted to "help the kids".

It was the "widows mite".

He gave it freely and without hesitation. It reaffirms my hope and faith in the human spirit. It also makes it evident to me that we all can do our part in helping someone else that might be in need. What an amazing example of charity.

..the sun..

THE SPIRAL JETTY

I woke up and the day was gray...and my heart was heavy with things that I knew had to be done today. It started with me going to court to support someone who needed to be there. I don't like court. Many people that came out of the court rooms were either crying or pissed. I didn't like the vibe of the place. I walked away with my heart heavier than before. Then I came back to work and needed to talk to some staff about their concerns. I listened and hopefully they felt heard. I really do have an amazing staff...but felt tired and drained soon after meeting with everyone.

Then I walked outside...and for a little while the sky was blue and the sun was shining. My heart and my environment had been gray the entire day...but that had all changed when I went outside and felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I felt whole and healed and loved.

I'm grateful for God, the gospel, His creations, the mountains, the sun, hope, music, laughter, good friends and family...and everything else that makes me happy.