"O uo mo aso uma, a o uso mo aso vale ".

The literal translation of this phrase is "friends for all seasons and kin or family in moments of crisis".  My dad would say this to us on occasion...and it would usually be when he thought we were putting our friends before our responsibilities or before each other.

The thought is that all friends are "fair weather friends". Meaning when the weathers great...they are there...but when the crap hits the fan and life gets a little stormy...they can't book out of there fast enough. (For the record I don't have friends like that.)

  But my experience this Saturday does illustrate this phrase perfectly. My friend Angie gave me tickets to go to BYU's homecoming game against the Oregon State Beavers. I'm not a fan of either of these teams but I am a huge fan of sporting events. I love the excitement and energy in the stadium and love watching a good game. And by all standards this was a pretty good game. It was a close game both teams seemed to be hustling. The entire stadium was filled with BYU fans..and there were small pockets of orange representing OSU. It looked lilke the Cougars had a real shot until the close to the end of the 4th quarter. The 4th quarter is where the crap hit the fan...Oregon scored again and BYU got a few penalties...at that point a quarter of the stadium started to stand up and leave. A QUARTER OF THE FANS LEFT THE STADIUM!!!! I was texting my friend Scott and was telling him about how disappointed I was in the fans.. he called them "Fair weather fans".  So BYU was down by about ten with about 5 minutes remaining. Do you know how many miracles or touchdowns can happen in a 5 minute period?? BYU needed Montana and Rice..add in Lott as well...if they were there they would create some miracles. No doubt.

Unfortunately Montana, Rice and Lott are retired and no one on that BYU field came close to their athleticism and chemistry...So 5 and a half minutes left on the clock and Oregon intercepts the ball. As soon as that happened HALF of the stadium got out of their seats to head towards the parking lot. I was definitely one of them..mostly because I am not a BYU fan and didn't want to get caught up in traffic. But if the Niners were playing I would've stayed til the end. Rain or shine...win or lose.. When "your team" is playing...you ride it out with them.

Now getting back to the whole "Uso aso vale" thing..I don't totally agree with that phrase. I have friends that I have been blessed with that are more like family to me that have truly been there for me that I love like family (you know who you are :)). 

But I am also very blessed to have siblings that without doubt would be there for me...rain or shine...win or lose. When I'm emotional and feel like I hit a wall...or if I crashed through a gate and hit a house (hypothetically)...or if I decide to move to a very far and strange place..or when it's the holidays and I'm missing home..or when I'm doubting myself...or when I get in trouble for trespassing etc...my siblings would be there for me without question. (Well actually there may be many questions, but they would still be there....most them :)) I love them more than I can possibly express.

Its my little sisters birthday tomorrow. She will be 30 years old. I have been blessed to see her grow into a beautiful, passionate, confident, funny, loving...sometimes scary when she's mad, amazing young woman. I am so proud of her and all that she is accomplishing. She is definitely one of my siblings that without fail would be there for me.  Happy Birthday Uso  love you so so much:)

"Someone has to come down": Advice from my Dad

I had a dream last night about my dad. He was working out in the yard trying to move this boulder to the corner of an unfinished rock wall. He was wearing an ie lava lava and no shirt and pushing against this boulder to get it in place. I came out with some kool-aid for him. He stopped what he was doing and came and sat on a large tire with me...He started to talk...but the only thing I remember him saying when I woke up is..."Someone has to come down".

My dad would always say that when me and my siblings would get into arguments...or in Tita and Ati's case... fights with machete's and crow bars (still not sure who won that one).

In essence what my dad was saying was that someone has to be humble...someone has to be the first to say sorry.

When we were younger I'm sure in our minds we were like "Whatever dad, I'm not about to say sorry.It's their fault...." Of course we would never actually say that in my dads presence, mostly because talking back could have been hazardous to our health.

But now as an adult I see the wisdom in his words...it made me think this morning if there is anyone out there who I have offended or have lost contact with due to a disagreement or misunderstanding... I couldn't think of any right now..though that's not to say that there may be people out there. If so I am determined to find them and try and right that situation...
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It also made me think of my siblings... my brothers and sisters whom I love, who are so far away from me physically. Flash backs of moments with them and my dad are filling my mind and I wanted them to know just how much I love them and how grateful I am to be their sister, how I so pray that their lives are happy and fulfilling..and that they are surrounded with people who love and care for them.

And how that may mean I will attempt to call and stay in contact more (Yes that means stop screening my calls Tita!). :)

Thank you Dad for your advice...the scene in my dream was pulled from a real memory of him. All the work he does.. is for his family. He is who I set my work ethic by, his voice rings in my ear about being grateful when I forget how blessed I am.

My dad like everyone else has faults and flaws, but I love him so much and am so grateful for his advice, example and love. He has definitely helped me become the person I am today.

The Kindness of a Stranger...

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

I saw this quote and thought it was pretty funny. I had a typical crazy Monday. Tons to do...never know where to start..a lot of people to check in with and tasks to get done but all of that really wasn't what was heavy on my mind.

Last Friday I had decided to do something today that I have been nervous about doing.  Not just nervous I was really down right scared...this something that I planned to do...caused me so much stress and anxiety that it kept me up at night...a lot of nights...but I had procrastinated enough and it was time to deal with it head on.

To my utter amazement, my anxiety and fear was met with kindness and understanding. I wasn't expecting that at all. And it wasn't your ordinary "someone being nice"... it was true and genuine kindness and compassion. It seemed like an instinctual thing for this person. After this experience I just wept because of this unexpected kindness and comfort that I got from a complete stranger. Although I thanked her for her kindness I don't think she realizes how profoundly that affected me today....and how I so needed it.

I want to be like that. I want my automatic reaction for anyone I meet or interact with to be that of kindness, compassion and love. It was pretty humbling.

Unfortunately after that I was driving home and got cut off by this....person and had some pretty choice words for him... Well I'm a long way from perfect... I'll just try again tomorrow...kindness begins with me :)

the me I know....

Ever feel like you are a different version of yourself?...a lesser version..a sadder version...not the "you" that you know...not the "you" that's natural...Maybe if I sleep things will look different..better...maybe I'll wake up ...and I'll be me again.

Tongue Tied...

Today I did something really scary...not "go into a dark creepy house as spooky theme music is playing and a psychotic maniac killers on the loose" kind of scary

...it wasn't even the "I just hit black ice and now I'm fish tailing on Bangerter during rush-hour" kind of scary.

It was the "crap I'm going to do something that I am not good at" kind of scary. So what was it?...What was so scary that it topped being in the next horror flicc or almost dying on Bangerter Hwy?.....I took part in a presentation. 
 
Not scary you say? Perhaps. It was a 7 hour presentation and I spoke may be at most about a 45 minutes....I can understand people not feeling like it's such a big deal.
 

But it was for me.

 
I prepped for this for weeks no actually for months. It was information that I knew...information I believe was important. Yet I was just mediocre. I'm not being modest...or fishing for compliments...I was 100% mediocre.

Even though I believed in what I was saying and knew the information...I was less than average. There are some things I excel in...like working with people. I love it..I think I do it well. It is an area that I feel confident in. Power point presentations and public speaking....not so much. But I really want to get better at it.

After the presentation I just couldn't stop thinking about why I sucked so bad. It wasn't like I didn't know the information I shared. (It was on individual meetings with staff)It's stuff that I know and that I do however when I got up there..in front of 8 people and all of them I know well....I choked.

 

I stuttered through it, forgot a bunch of things to say...and really just had no flow. It seriously baffled me. Just like a scout, I WAS PREPARED!!!!!! So what happened??!! I have no clue, but I have decided that I just need to present and speak in front of crowds more often. I hate it and I suck at it....but I really want to change that.

This is not just a self improvement kind of thing; I am the program director of a detox facility in Salt Lake City..we serves over 1600 clients a year which 85 to 90% of our clients are homeless. This is a population that I love and am honored to advocate for, I am passionate about educating the community at large about addiction and the barriers and challenges that my clients face on their journey of recovery.

But if I can't even speak well in front of people I know, about a topic that I actively take part in on a weekly basis...How can I advocate well for my clients???? If I don't try my very best to get better at this ...I have done them and my program a disservice. 

So this is my plan of action:
1. Do more presentations and never turn down an opportunity to speak! (even though writing that already causes me some anxiety)
2. Conduct a monthly training at my agency's training institute..this will force me to get up in front of people every month to present.
3. Study up on techniques and strategies people use that may have the same problem.

Just because something is hard and not fun most of the time and causes insomnia and major anxiety is no reason not to do it :)

I can do this! I just have to work at it. Wish me luck!

Paths...

I have had "paths" on my mind lately...I like taking pictures of paths or roads leading to somewhere...somewhere better..somewhere else..somewhere healing..somewhere challenging..somewhere safe

Some may say that a persons socioeconomic status, the neighborhood they grew up in, the type of environment they lived in (whether it was abusive or not), their family dynamics, their ethnicity, their school district etc., can determine the type of life they will most likely live. I know these studies can be fairly accurate and that they are done to provide information and help in some way etc, etc..but there is something in me that fights against it.

The mere fact that some feel that they can look at my life put all the facts in a blender and suddenly determine the life I most likely will have. Pisses me off. It reeks of arrogance, judgement and a disregard of the intangibles. Intangibles, like the strength of a persons determination, their hope, drive and passion, courage, faith or just sheer stubbornness.

I know that the paths I may want for myself may be made more challenging because of all of those factors mentioned earlier.. but they are not closed off to me...I may have to go through a few more obstacles than others...but I will get there...and the challenges will just make me stronger.

I have really been blessed to be surrounded with people who have helped me along my chosen paths. Friends and family who celebrate with me when I accomplish things, encourage me when I have set backs, and kick me in the butt when I get lazy. To these amazing people I want them to know the depth of my gratitude and love. I do not think they realize how their kind and positive words helped me as I struggled in my journey...but there have been others who would have discouraged me, or counted me out, or bypassed me all together... to them I say...

I determine my path. I make the choice. I am responsible for where I am and where I want to go. Either help me...or get out of my way

Esther

I was at a meeting last night and saw this painting of Queen Esther from the Old Testament. It is one of my very favorite paintings.

To me Esther is the epitome of courage and strong character. She had made the decision to risk her life to save her people from genocide.

Anywhere along her path she could've decided that she loved her life as Queen and wouldn't jeopardize that for others, or that it was too hard to do, or that she'd rather do something else.

But she didn't...she put the needs of others above her own "If I perish, I perish". This artists rendition captures Esther's resolve. Her posture and her eyes reveal her strength. She has made her decision, she will stay the course...come what may.

She's pretty awesome.