...Driving to Draper

Yesterday I had a rough day at work. It wasn't anymore stressful then a regular day at detox except that I was training a new employee and dealing with other staff issues. Which isn't a big deal really. Know that I walked into my position with my eyes wide open and with it very clear what would be expected of me. So I have no problem with doing my job or the work involved in it. But yesterday as I was going through the day and dealing with staff and clients....I felt a weight added on to my shoulders. I think partly it had to do with the fact that it was the end of the week, also I didn't get much sleep the night prior...so by the time I was walking out the door I could feel the stress of the day on my shoulders. So I started driving out to Draper to go to my friend Beckys house for dinner ...now normally the drive south on the 15 kills me...the traffic sucks...and it takes forever but yesterday...I just took my time driving out there. I was blasting three songs, 0ne was "Authority Song" by Jimmy Eat World, "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups, and "Phantom Limb" by the Shins. Now I don't know exactly what those songs are talking about but for some reason...those were the three songs yesterday that slowly started to release the tension of the day for me.

The sun was in a position in the sky that I just thought was beautiful and slowly on my journey to Draper I was letting go of every conversation, every interaction, every stress, every concern that I had that day. The windows were down, my music was blasting, and I was driving....and all of that floated out of my mind and from my shoulders...and escaped on the winds.

Minor Set Backs and realizations

Okay so my last post was pretty heavy....I'm not taking it back or explaining it...It is what it is...It was exactly what I felt when I wrote it...we all have those days when we see ourselves distorted and in a negative light....I have this mirror in my office that we call either "the ugly mirrior" or "the fun house mirror" It distorts and doesn't give an accurate picture of what you look like...but I think sometimes I can view myself in that way. The important thing is how I handle those times....are there tears and negative thoughts?...Sure are...but after the 1/2 hour I give myself to wallow there...the realization is ..those times are just minor set backs...and it's ultimately time to get on with it.

So just this week Sui, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Nu'uali'itia Carolina Naeata. After Sui's check up the doctors decided to induce her due to complications with her birth. Sui being the stubborn person she is didn't tell anyone the seriousness of the situation. Fortunately baby's birth was quick and both mother and daughter are doing well. But times like this you just realize what is most important. There is nothing more important to me than my faith and family. It doesn't matter how nice your house is, what kind of car you drive, or how much you get paid. Without my faith and the people in my life who I love....everything else would feel empty. I mean don't get me wrong...a nice house, car, job etc. is always nice and is good to have and work towards....but those things are not lasting, they don't fill your heart, or make you laugh, they don't comfort you when you're sad, nor do they inspire you to do better. They are just things.


Those things cannot compare to, laughing with my sisters, hearing my dad tell a story about his childhood, being around my brothers, a minute with my mom, and singing with my nieces and nephews.

So hopefully the things I aspire to do and accomplish in this life will enhance or make it easier to create those lasting relationships with my family and loved ones.

Picture Perfect

I JUST WANT TO PREFACE THIS NEXT ENTRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS HARD TO WRITE BUT HARDER TO ACTUALLY RELEASE INTO CYBERLAND...EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY BLOGS HAVE BEEN FROM MY HEART...IT IS MY TRUTH....EXACTLY WHAT I AM FEELING AT THE TIME.

I saw a few pictures of me today...that I hated....I totally hated it. I look terrible and I kept thinking ..who is that? and what made me think I deserve to be with anyone looking like that? What in my mind said that you can deserve someone looking like that? Who would want to be with what is in that picture? What have you done to yourself?...and what are you doing to improve that?...Who would be attracted to that person?...and why have I not seen myself clearly all this time? Who would want to be with me?..... I hate what I look like. I hate it. Any self esteem I had this morning disintegrated in a matter of seconds. I know it ain't all about looks and that I am a good person with a winning personality...blah blah blah..but that doesn't help much when you feel like crap.
But you know what? I don't like whiners...they get on my last nerves. Actually no, correction they fricken jump on my last nerve....So I'm going to do the only thing I can....pray to love myself regardless of that picture...and get my arse to the gym. If I don't like something about myself ..then I need to change it...(Now If I can only find a hottie sheriff with his own cabin in the mountains like Jill Scott did in Why did I get married?:))

This initially was only for my brother to read....and then I thought..maybe someone can get something positive out of this. For me I have the power to change my situation..So I'm going to do it.

Liberty Park

I took the day off today. It's SOOO BEAUTIFUL today!!!.. and I'm just hanging in the park. Just wanted to share what I was looking at.

Road Rage on Bangerter...

I had mad road rage today....This IDIOT in a Dodge Dakota maroon truck was trying to weave in and out of traffic on Bangerter HWY. Now traffic was pretty much bumper to bumper and yet this BUTTHEAD was trying to inch his way into whatever lane seemed to be moving...which none were at the time...but did that stop him? NO...of course it didn't. I mean I could understand if he needed to make a turn and was trying to position himself to make the turn...but this was not the case he went back and forth all the way right then...went all the way left again..AND he almost hit me...So of course there was a lot of "WHAT THE HELL!!!??"'s being said...so I tried to get a look at him and he or she ...was wearing a halloween costume...yes folks thats right I said A FRICKEN HALLOWEEN COSTUME!!! Which pissed me off even more for some reason!! Man I hate stupid people... and I think I just discovered that I hate stupid people more when they are wearing a Halloween Costume.

...too many thoughts...

I WOULD LIKE TO PREFACE THIS NEXT ENTRY BY JUST SAYING THAT...THERE IS NO PLOT, LESSON OR DEEP MEANING BEHIND IT...IT IS WHAT IT IS..AND THERE ARE A LOT OF WORDS TO READ. A COWORKER TOLD ME MY BLOG HAD TOO MANY WORDS IN IT.. SO THOUGHT I'D WARN YA...BEWARE MANY WORDS BELOW! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

It is 3:50am and I can’t sleep. I tried to I swear…I finished my laundry and went to bed at about 12:30ish...but at 3:45 my mind is suddenly awake with a million and one thoughts…did I clean the lint off the lint trap thingy for the dryer, what was that strum that Kaui taught me to go with the song I am learning, which clients do I meet with first when I get to work, how is my dad doing, why isn’t the Gold’s gym in Sugar House open at 5 like the one in West Valley, how do I quit a job I just started yesterday, when am I going to finish my grad school application, where is the nearest library, I love Liberty Park, Is the song I’m learning for my friend appropriate...and the list goes on and on.

I started this job yesterday…it’s a part time job just something to help me save, possibly pay some bills. I’ve almost always had two jobs it seems…you would think I would’ve saved a lot...but that is not the case. Anyways so I’m sitting in the office getting trained by one of the nicest ladies, the work is easy enough and it would be just 3 hours a night. It would be perfect with my schedule at detox, yet I’m sitting there feeling claustrophobic. I usually feel like this when I've made a wrong choice or I feel like I have to speak up about something. So like I said I’m sitting in this office listening to her training which was nice and thorough. And all the while my heart is clenching inside until I make the decision that I would not be returning to this job. Immediately I feel better and I relax. Now my thoughts are how do I quit after working one day and not sound like a jerk when trying to explain myself? Good question I think. But no answer has come to mind as of yet.

My friend Aaron will be leaving soon to go to the military. Since I’ve been at my current job he has been such a great support and friend we’ve gotten closer the past few weeks because now I live down the street from him. I will miss him tons. He’s like a little big brother and a pit bull all rolled in one. He’s tough. He’s been through some crap and I really respect that. I’ve been trying to learn the song “In my life” by the Beatles on my ukulele to sing at his farewell party. I’ve always loved this song…but it sounds funeralish and that’s the last thing I want to think about with him going to the military.

The ukulele is a beautiful instrument. I know when people think of the Uke they hear that childish picking (which sounds totally cheesy) that they play on commercials when they are talking about Hawaii...but I’ve heard the ukulele played beautifully. I have a tenor concert uke which has a deeper sound and singing to it has become one of my favorite things to do…I’ve always loved singing. I don’t do it wonderfully like I would like to …but for the most part I think I’m able to stay on tune. I love singing in the car…which I do every time I’m in there. I have a wide range of music on cd…and am always looking to add to my collection. For me music heals. Music brings out what I feel in my heart …that I wouldn’t be able to explain with my own words. Being able to play the ukulele has given me the opportunity to sing outside of my car and not look like a crazy person... :)or maybe now I just look like a singing crazy person with a uke.

I have bills to pay and school to save for yet…I don’t want to get an extra job. I want to utilize my time after work to do the things I love to do. Hanging with friends, exploring Salt Lake, going to the gym (or walking down at the park…Did I mention I LOVE LIBERTY PARK!!!), learning how to play the ukulele, reading, going to the temple, etc. I feel a little selfish about that …but at the same time. I feel like its okay to take care of me for a little bit… I know it won‘t last forever …hopefully I’ll be going to school and everything will change…but for now I want to take this time for me.

Usually when I write in my blog I’ve learned some life lesson (it’s usually a repeat lesson because I don’t listen good the first time the Lord tries to teach me something). But I don’t think there is a lesson here…just my random thoughts that are crowding my mind and needed a release. It’s about 4:44am and my alarm is going to go off in about 15 minutes…finally my eyes are getting drowsy…so I’m going to try and crash for a minute. Goodnight /good morning…

worth the risk...

...I am uncomfortable with what's comfortable...no not really. Actually before I moved to Utah I was really comfortable with comfortable...there is no guessing involved ...you know what you are doing day in and day out...your comfortable with the people around you and you don't really care about adding to the mix... comfortable reminds me of my dad's recliner...comfy warm and safe. But there is no growth in whats comfortable...and staying safe and comfy in your comfort zone...means you possibly could be missing out on what's beyond...wonderful experiences, new people that can strengthen and inspire you, places you've never been before...essentially things that can alter your life and take it in a totally different direction.... Now on the flip side of that, putting yourself out there.... IS A HUGE RISK. Are you willing to risk possible failure, embarrassment, rejection, and shame? Now before I give you my thoughts on that question...let me tell you a little bit about Thomas Edison the inventor of the light bulb...it is said that he had 10,000 failures before he finally invented a working light bulb...other reports claim that it was 3,000, but regardless of the number...that much failure has to start to weigh heavy on you. I don't know how he did it...but he never gave up. I'm sure he was ridiculed, laughed at, and disheartened by everything..but somehow he worked through it, he persevered..He did it! Now back to the question at hand..am I willing to risk possible failure, embarrassment, rejection, and shame? If you asked me about an hour or so ago my answer though in the affirmative...would've been a little weak and teary. But that was an hour ago... It'll get stronger by the minute. As hard as some attempts to put yourself out there are...it is inevitably worth the risk...comfortable is claustrophobic to me...Don't worry y'all imma get mine,... no matter how many times I have to try. One down 9,999 more to go! :)