....Hard of Hearing....

So I finally got the call I've been waiting for, for the past 7 to 8 months. Skywest finally came a callin'. When I first got to Utah I applied everywhere I could but the first job that called me back was Skywest. I worked first in their cargo department, then in the bag rooms, and then finally on the ramp. It could be difficult at times especially when the weather was extreamly hot or cold, but for the most part it wasn't that bad at all, and I met some really cool people....I met some freaks too but that's a whole other blog.. So anyways I got furloughed in March and have pretty much been waiting to go back so I could fly again. No matter what the work was like, the flying benefits were more than worth it. To be able to travel when ever and where ever you wanted to is a pretty big perk and is the main reason people want to work there. So I should be happy right??... I mean I could jump on a plane this weekend if I wanted and go to Hawaii, California, Vegas, or New York or all of them...depending on availability.... (You can tell there is a big BUT coming right??)...BUT at the last minute I turned down the job.

For a few months now I've been praying for some direction on some decisions that are ahead of me...some inspiration...some guidance...some assurance that I'm where I'm suppose to be.... some big neon arrow from the heavens pointing me in the right direction would be great!!...but for some reason...it's been a little quiet. So I've also been praying to have the courage to act when I finally feel His promptings...even if it's scary or not something I would initially want to do. Not that I don't make decisions on a daily about my life, but I've just been trying to include the Lord in my process more.

So back to the call from Skywest...so I get the call and I'm ecstatic...visions of the beach and my family filled my head...yet I was getting a nagging feeling in my gut that I shouldn't take the job. I dismissed the feeling initially because;
1. I needed some extra income
2. I so desperately wanted to be somewhere else but here.
3. The opportunity to see my dad and sisters was too great to just pass up.


So I thought...if I still feel this way after I go to Hawaii then I'll quit. So I make an appointment with the Training person and go down and sign paper work. During the entire process I felt sick to my stomach. Not a nauseated feeling, but more like when you've hurt someones feelings and you feel really really bad about it...like this sinking bad feeling in your gut. Anyways I know what that feeling means to me, but I keep thinking "just one trip home and I'll be good, I'll quit right after".

At this point I already know that I should not take the job, but I dismiss that feeling with the rationalization that "I'll eventually quit"

So today I was set to train at 5:30 pm. The entire day my heart was heavy and the bad gut feeling was back but stayed with me the whole day. I'm not really good at hiding my feelings so I'm sure the fact that something was bothering me was written all over my face, but I just wasn't in the sharing mood today.

So I finish work at detox and jump in my car to head over to the airport...the feelings I was having did not subside at all, and I kept thinking..."I'll quit after I travel this weekend"..... So I was half way to the airport when a question came into my mind.."You've been asking for direction all this time So ...why are you fighting what the answer is?" ...I finally turn the car around and make the call to the training person to let them know that I would not be taking the job.

Now I'm sure you've heard of the still small voice....Well this answer was practically on a billboard with neon lights and being blasted through Bose speakers ON REPEAT.... yet it took awhile for me to heed it.

I'm not exactly sure why the airport job was not meant for me to take...but I trust that the Lord's vision of my life stretches so much further than I can see and that if I'm seeking His help I need to have a little more faith when I do get an answer. I know He loves me and wants me to be happy...so I pray next time heeding His promptings will be instinctual and that He won't have to yell so loud and so many times to get through to me.

Getting pounded...

....feeling overwhelmed today...you ever feel that way? Where your heart feels weird and a little heavy and your stomach is in knots...there is no more room in my head...today is strange...even my music isn't soothing me.

Have you ever gotten pounded by a wave?...It can be scary...as beautiful as the ocean is...it can be powerful and merciless...I use to boogie board all the time; however I don't know how to swim. I loved being out there in the water and riding those waves on the shore breaks..it is such a peaceful mellow feeling to be out there... just as long as I had a leash on my board I felt okay. But there was this one time in particular that I will never forget.

I went out to Hukilau Beach by myself. It was during Christmas and usually at that time the waves can get pretty big...it didn't seem too bad that day...I remember it was a bit overcast but the water was nice and warm. Nobody was on the beach that morning and I was just enjoying how quiet it was. I wasn't paying much attention and before I knew it I was taken out further than I was use to, but I didn't panic because I had my leash on and I figured I'd just take the next wave in closer to the shore.

The phrase "never turn your back on the ocean" is commonly heard in Hawaii...and unfortunately I did just that...I didn't see the 3 waves that were coming towards me in succession ..nor did I realize their size until I turned and the first one was right over me...I was pounded and pinned to the ocean floor one minute then flipped around the next and just when I thought it would let up the next wave hit....and then the last one...The leash and my board were ripped off of my wrist and I swallowed so much water and was flipped around so much I wasn't sure I would make it..I thought I was going to drown. Fortunately for me every wave that hit me moved me closer and closer to the shore and eventually I was able to stumble and drag myself out of the water and back to the beach.

That's kind of where I'm at right now ...the first wave has hit me and now I'm floundering and waiting for the next two to do it's damage...but eventually I will drag myself out of this...and though I'll be a little shaken...I'll come out of this ...better...wiser...and hopefully even more grateful for another chance to ride again. I still don't know how to swim and it's been a little while since I've been boogie boarding ...but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could..if you can handle getting pounded ...it makes riding a perfect wave all the more sweeter. You learn to appreciate the ocean for all it's beauty as well as respect all of it's power to bring you to your knees.

Life is not very different from the ocean. Here's hoping the waves hit me quickly so I can dust myself off and ride again.